The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've not been feeling so depressed lately. Not happy mind you, although there have been some snippets of happy time here and there. But the absence of pain and depression is a blessing itself. I still feel frustrated at my recovery not speeding up (I know there's nothing I can do about it though, just don't give up). I'm not taking great care of myself lately and need to start eating well, exercising, getting enough rest etc. I am doing better setting boundaries for others, declining to be pushed into something if I simply don't want to.
Having a hard time with certain thoughts that I just can't rid myself of. They are not depressing me at this point, but they are "distracting me from being happy" as my therapist would put it. Here are some of them: 1. Others (not everyone, but most) have it better than me in their marriage. 2. Others make more money and can afford new cars and nice vacations...I can't. 3. Other's children are growing up in functional homes. 4. I'm not lovable (other than to my daughter and dog and I guess my mom - god bless her) and also: 5. Not attractive to others, that I'll never have a satisfying relationship in my life (I've given up on my marriage at this point) and this is exacerbated by: 6. ED, problems with intimacy especially sexual, and tastes in music, books, etc that make me feel different. 7. That somehow I've failed my daughter. Even her being in therapy now tends to make me feel like I failed as a parent.
Throw in the fact that my wifes untidy habits and lack of care of furniture etc cause the house to feel like an embarassment to me. Finally I'm not finding any real joy in anything other than playing the guitar (thank god for that but I wish I could do something more with it.)
Yank...I so love the responses you got from the sisters...those are what saved my butt early on in Al-Anon...different better perspectives.
Your share caused me to remember the long time I spent at the pity party and the "poor me" days which were just before I learned about "self" love and acceptance and focusing on gratitude lessons which you seem to have been working with already.
My way was to stay stop in my head and everything is ok. I do my very best to NEVER allow negative bolony, mean thoughts, non productive thoughts to continue in my head.
We have NO idea how things are with anyone else, really.
I can take my kiddo and dog and go walk, hike, go on day trips.I have a car that works, dependable.We have fun just playing games.
I am doing my best to help my girl grow up in as good a home as I can.
My dog, child and mother love me ,I love me.
I am choosing to stay in this situation, I am a good worthwhile, moral person, I am ok just how I am.
I am unique!I have tastes in things that are not the norm. Square pegs are the ones who invented flying, cars, having babies underwater....I am happy to be me. I am ok just how i am.
I care enough for my daughter that I am making it possible for her to understand herself and her life. She knows I love her.
It is just as easy to say stop and put the other side in, which is true!
I am NOT a polly anna. I will share with you, I wake up crying almost every morn. I want to love my loved ones, I want to go see them, listen to them, do stuff with them.
I want to hear my husband laugh, i dreamed of being with him all night. There are no letters in the maibox, no emails. House is quiet.
I think, why can't I just die? I fell again, hurt my other leg now. Cannot walk long.
I am almost 58, I am not pretty anymore, my skin looks funny, my hair, won't go there.
My adoptive dad did not call me back, my daughter did not call me back, my son had a tantrum when he was putting my slider in lost his temper, I had said nothing wrong, he was all upset already. but he won't call me now.
I am alone. very alone. I go have surgery, I take me and cannot figure out how to get home.
How can anyone love me when all my family died and left me, my own husband stopped loving me (brain tumor surgery, relapse)I have a very embarrassing physical problem, how could anyone want to be with me?
I fight to keep my home, it hurts to get in and out of my frigging car. I go days with no conversation, could be dead three weeks and no one would know.
I could go on. BUT I stop this insane talk! I put in this morn when I opened my eyes, all my crazy little dogs are all trying to lick my face at once, gross, my great Pyrenees is laying on my hurt legs, my basset is moaning for attention. I think about this neat sone online, utube. "God and Dog" it brings me back to all I have!
I am ok where I am. I am ok with who I am. I destroy all those bad bolony thoughts quickly. I take one step at a time.
Everyone has bad thoughts, and troubles, everyone. Does not make yours better, don't get me wrong.
BUT we can stay STOP and put in the good stuff. It is there. I am fortunate that I am so sure of the Bible and the promises there. That is NO question for me no matter what this old world throws at me.
I am here, I will glean the good, and I do. I limped down to that dang apple tree I shared I was going to crutch to. Well guess what?I got back, was carrying an armful of alfalfa, full of dry leaves, and my left legged tripped me, fell on my other leg that is now injured.
shaking head. So now well whatever.
Anyway this is our life, we have to figure it out for ourselves. It is not always easy. We have the right to tell ourselves and believe everything is ok, will be ok, I am making it as ok as I can!
Nothing is going to look good until we appreciate the self that HP gave us.
i am not kidding. I can see, walk, talk, laugh, smile, comfort others, I have options. I can turn on a faucet and get water.
i could say my washer died, unok. But I look for options. you looked for options, you got your kiddo to counseling, and one the wife did not like, that may be a plus as maybe the counselor will be one who sees the truth.
anyway me blabbing. I did wake up in tears. But the birds are at the feeder, no cats or guineas chasing them off, sun is coming out. little dogs are all around me, literally.
I am trying to figure out the bus system as I cannot drive right now to another town. It is almost impossible. So I will call and tell them and let them tell ME how to do it!
anyway I hope this helped some. I am not kidding, I invite you to paint a wall, have game day, go for lots of walks, exercise is sooo important, go to a healthfood store with daughter, or to a regular one and get good yummy food, and cook with her!
"STOP allowing the negative talk "honestly saved me. Well it was one thing, HP is the one who hangs on to me tight and blesses me with miracles.
Having a hard time with certain thoughts that I just can't rid myself of. They are not depressing me at this point, but they are "distracting me from being happy" as my therapist would put it. Here are some of them: 1. Others (not everyone, but most) have it better than me in their marriage. * You've no idea what go on behind others doors...people can put on the perfect show with the perfect marragie and children and behind closed doors it could be a very different reality
2. Others make more money and can afford new cars and nice vacations...I can't. * I have lost everything I own of value with the exception of holding on to my home. I was humiliated as I watched all my "things" be repod or sold and I still have no job
3. Other's children are growing up in functional homes. * Never been in a funtional home in my life we all come with and pass on our own baggage
4. I'm not lovable (other than to my daughter and dog and I guess my mom - god bless her) and also: * You are loved what could be more precious than a love of a child
5. Not attractive to others, that I'll never have a satisfying relationship in my life (I've given up on my marriage at this point) and this is exacerbated by: 6. ED, problems with intimacy especially sexual, and tastes in music, books, etc that make me feel different. * I'll put 5&6 together I have severe PTSD, I have scars on my face and neck from various injuirues...I am anorexic and people/strangers feel free to comment to me on my weight as they please...no one would ever approach and overweight person and make a snide remark but if your skinny wow you could be a crack whore and they think it is a complement. I have alot of body issues...I avoid mirrors after i am done getting ready for the day and what ever i look like on well
7. That somehow I've failed my daughter. Even her being in therapy now tends to make me feel like I failed as a parent. * I became severly depressed couldn't leave the house etc My beautiful adult daughter that has always stood by my side moved out stating "I was no longer the mother she knew" think that was a bit devestating? I keep in contact with her weather she responds or not and let her know how much she is loved..and I believe all things are subject to change...it may be down the road but I believe we will reunite
My message to you.... you are not alone my friend I know you want to get better and you want it NOW...if nothing else here you will learn patience and that things happen in HP's time not ours and if you are going to sit on the pity pot ( as we all do at times) set a timer for 10 or 15 min grieve or feel sorry for yourself but when the timer goes off...get off the pot and do something for you like play the guitar. Blessings to you
