My husband drank heavily for about 4 years. Then he became sober. The sobriety lasted about 4 years also. During that time I was so disappointed. I kept waiting for some great change to come over him. I don't know the answer to your questions, as I am still new to this Al-Alnon stuff. But what I do find is that I can't find any common ground with my husband because he is so far behind me maturity-wise. I feel like I am living with an older teenager as a mate and partner. My husband ended up drinking again. I feel "slighted" b/c I stuck with him through so much and feel no further ahead. Once again I am contemplating asking him to leave b/c I am just not happy. I keep wondering if I should just wait a little longer and give him a chance...but this has been the cycle for over ten years now. I think it's time for me to face the facts. Some people can learn to live a happy live with an alcoholic...I don't think I am one of them.

From what I've observed, alcoholics have spent all their drinking years relating to people only through the filter of drink, so they have to learn how to do it without alcohol.  That's a big task -- look how long it took most of us, and we didn't even have alcohol to slow us down!  And no doubt over the years resentments and problems have come up in your relationship, from her point of view as well as from yours -- because who doesn't have conflict come up?  The key is how you deal with conflict and resentment, and she doesn't have any way to process it.  Her old way of processing it was drinking.  (Not that that solves anything -- but it puts the problem off.)  Now -- she's stuck, is my guess.

I also know that it can be infuriating when alcoholics resent us -- I felt like, "I've put up with your unbelievable behavior all these years, and far from being grateful, you're mad at me?"  But an unhealthy dynamic does involve two people, and if nothing else, we get pulled into the insanity and start acting insane too.  So it's not inconceivable that there are real issues she's reacting to.  But how she reacts is a different matter.

My question would be: does she have a program of recovery?  If she's in active recovery, there are the tools there to cope with anger, resentment, and relationship difficulties.  She may not be perfect right away, but working the steps will help her figure out how to deal with sober life.

The other thing is that working on the tools will help you to weather whatever your relationship looks like, and to make it better from your end.  So I hope you can work on your own recovery and serenity.  It always feels counterintuitive to me -- "Deal with them by working on myself?  But --!"  But it's the only way I've found to make things better.

Unfortunately we have no control over the feelings and behaviors of others.  My "reasonably happy marriage" (i remember a time when I actually thought to myself that I was content and had everything I wanted in life) began falling apart as my wife decided that she could do and say whatever she wanted and then when I confront her, to demand a divorce.  At this point I don't know what will happen.  I'm hanging in there now and using the alanon tool to not rush into decisions.  A divorce will cripple me financially as the wife doesn't work much.  I feel cheated as well.  Unfortunately there's little I can do about it other than to try to learn not to let it devastate me.

What worked for me and then for us for the time that it did was getting into the
face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups and learing the same steps
and traditions and slogans and spirituality that the alcoholic was learning.  It didn't
bring us into the same shoes at the same time (impossible) but in the same
direction.   If you are not attending Al-Anon presently...I strongly suggest it and
the number for the central office is in the white pages of your local telephone book.
Call the number get the places and times we meet and come joing us.  (((hugs)))