The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need to talk about this. Unfortunately, I live in a very rural area (ugh) and the closest meeting is 2 hours away tonight.
I'm about 35 weeks pregnant. At about 20 weeks, my ABF relapsed. I moved to Amish country with my dad & stepmom so I could continue through my pregnancy to be a full time student. That's one of the main things (besides my little man on the way) that keeps my head up, knowing I'll be a social worker soon. Anyhow, after selling everything he owned & getting kicked out of rehab & winding up in jail, he got himself into a rehab and has been there for about 7 weeks now.
Today I took my labor/baby classes. A/BF couldn't be there because he is on restriction in his rehab. I understand that & I'm glad that he's working on himself. It still hurt to be the only mom in there without the daddy though. He has known that I was taking this 6 hour class today. He called while I was in the class though and left a snobby voicemail about me not answering. I brushed it off, he must have forgotten. He called later on this evening though & I told him why I didn't answer earlier & that I learned a lot in the class. He immediately asked who I went with & when I told him my stepmom, asked if I was sure. I said yes. He didn't ask what I learned or anything about the class or the pregnancy or anything. But then went on to ask if I cheated on him over a year ago while he was in a different rehab. What?? I said no & let him know it hurt me, I understand how insecure he is, but I have never given him any reason to think of me as being unfaithful. I've actually been faithful and supportive since day one.
I really do understand that it's scary to have me on the outside while he's inside & I understand his abandonment issues. I try to work with him on that & he knows he shouldn't act like that. I know I can't change that he does, so I just suffer through the trust issues.
But anyhow, I can't tell if this is pregnancy hormones or a real eye opener. Especially after his actions today, I feel like he's just a sperm donor. I know this is the wrong way to think. QTIP, quit taking it personally, yeah. But is this the drugs? Or is this just a drug addict who also happens to be very selfish and immature and won't ever truly give a crap about me or the baby, sober or using?
Just a real eye-opener to me but I'm not sure how to go about talking to him about my feelings or acting. So I probably won't act on it until I know what to do & I'm assuming when I figure it out, I'll know. Hormones make this extra painful. Maybe once the baby is born (so soon, :) hoooooray!) I'll stop caring about the daddy & just let things go. Don't know if I have the guts though.
Thanks for reading this. If you have any experience or a good quote or something or even something unrelated it'd be nice. I just really needed a meeting tonight.
Well you sure sound like you have your head screwed on well! (o:
I can tell you, your hormones will naturally change to mommihood. Your focus will be even more focused on your child first. Just the way it is! It is the nature of motherhood.
Also nature of the disease beast to care about their drug first. When in recovery that is first.
It is ok for a almost new mom or anyone for that matter, to take a break from the A. There is no law that says we have to answer their calls, or even think about them.
When someone says something that insane to me, I don't bother to answer.
`Susie my daughter is a strong lady, got her degree and taught at Uof O, always had more than one fun job going. She was smart, intuitive, all that. But she got mixed up with a guy who ended up being an A. She was pg. He assured her he would take care of her blah blah.
She was in a hormonal upheaval. I wish she would have come home but she really wanted him to be a dad and make that work.
He ended up being horribly abusive as soon as she got home from the hospital and the state payed for her to leave that city to get away from him!
She got right back to herself and is raising my warrior grandson. I am so proud of her.
She does not take any bolony from anyone. The dad, he is lost. She never includes him as she says he would just add problems.
Anyway I see you arezzz like her, you are wise to his bolony. One thing I always do my best to remember, an A can be a bad person or a good person without the drug. Just becuz he is using and mean, does not mean sober on program he or she will be a good person.
She tried at first take the boy to see him, supervised by gpa only. But now that our kiddo is 4 that has fizzled out. Our bug does not need that influence anyway. He even gripes about the child support. One of those types.
Anyway I have great faith in you. You cared enough about you and your kiddo to get out of there, move home and go back to school! That is huge!!
You remember sitting there with your big belly that there are people out there that have never met you who care very much!!! I hope you will have time to tell us when you go to have the baby, let us know how it goes!
I will definitely keep you in my prayers girl! Oh you are going to have soooo much fun. Babies are so cool.
This may be advice, but someone gave it to me and I always pass it on, "treasure every single moment, your time with the kiddo goes sooo fast!" Even when they are a teen driving you nuts, sit back and smile and remember they are suppose to hate you, it is all temporary. Hang on tight and enjoy the ride!
huggen ya sorta, lol debilyn
-- Edited by lyndebi on Saturday 9th of October 2010 08:33:10 PM
You got the immature part down pat!! Aloha Susie. part of my ESH comes from my experiences as a former substance abuse counselor. When the start using they stop growing. All of the energy goes into the using and the using surroundings and relations. Often times you'll get accused of behaviors they were envolved in themselves while using...It is what they know and what they know applies to every one. He's in rehab and he is worried, fearful, distrustful, sad, depressed and probably having trouble focusing on what the program is about while his head is miles away following you around to where he "thinks or fears" you might be. Bleah!! Thats his existence and doesn't have to be yours. What is good to practice is to continue to refer him back to his program and his counselors and ask him to address his concerns and fears up in treatment. There isn't much you have control over right now except your own condition and great job at doing it!! I remember after my blood father died that my mom remarried an alcoholic 9 years her junior. She certainly didn't get a grown up man but really an elder adopted male child and the kids didn't get much at all. He never grew up...sad to remember.
From my experiences keep referring your addict back to his program. You are not the reason he has to worry and his recovery is strictly his own responsibility.
We have on line meetings here...check into the chat room during meeting hours.
Congrats on the little guy and taking such good care of yourself and planning for your future.
I too have dealt with the accusations and paranoia. At first I had no idea how to deal with it. It warped my take on the world and made me a prisoner. He had cheated on me, he grew up with a mom who was not loyal, he was a habitual cheater - it is the only thing he had ever known really.
We were together for a couple of years, then apart for a year, then gave it one more try. I have nothing to hide and offer transparency and told him so. Then he started snooping and accusing again and I just put my foot down. I put passwords on all my computers and my phone - which hurt him and was my fault of course - not a consequence of his actions (sarcasm). I tried to communicate with him about it several times and the first couple it came out as anger - no messages about how I was feeling but just pure punches outward. Then I finally got across how his behavior made me feel and I believe he heard me. His behavior didn't change but I do believe for a moment he might have understood.
It didn't work out with us. To him I am too independent and for me I refuse to be a prisoner - to answer to a warden constantly who questions my every move - especially when I give someone who cheated on me freedom to be who he is and earn my trust back one day at a time. His behavior made me not trust him. Usually if he was off doing unsavory stuff - then his paranoia of what I was doing increased. But it felt really good to finally be able to communicate using I messages and not pointing my finger at him but truly stating the pain his behavior was causing me.
Sorry you had to go through the birthing class alone. I raised my 18 year old 100% on my own, she has never met her Dad. It is a challenge but they are so very worth it.
Please keep coming back. Take advantage of the online meetings if you can. We are here for you.
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Sounds like you are doing all the right things for you and baby...Kudos on that! Immature? You betcha!!! It has been said the the A stops growing emotionally around the time they start drinking or drugging. So in my case my son is an almost 22 yrs old addict, when talking or listening to him I have to remember that I am literally speaking to a 15 yr old immature mind. He has been on a jail rehab unit 10 months now and while he still exibits addict behavior he is also starting to mature and admit respondsibilites for his actions. If the A stays sober then they begin to start maturing again, but it sure doesn't happen overnite or in 30 days. It takes a while. Have to absolutly agree with Jerry here and suggest you refer him back to his program when he tries to load you up with his worries, fears or suspisions. They are his feelings to work through and he is in a place to do that. Please don't take them on your own shoulders. You have enough on your plate right now with school and your little guy on the way. That's where to keep your focus. Wishing you peace in recovery Blessings
One thing that I identify with is the way my wife can take a special occasion (Christmas, birthday, graduation, vacation etc.) and ruin it. I've felt so alone on so many occasions that should have been times of joy and togetherness.
lyndebi- it was good to hear your daughter's story- that she & your grandson made it out & are doing very well. thanks for the encouragement. & i know, every day i get more excited, thanks! :)
jerry- thanks for reminding me of what he's going through. i don't have to go through it with him!
tlcate- that's exactly what i decided to do. instead of talking about it over the phone, i wrote him a letter about how his behavior makes me feel. that way i won't say it 5,000 times & i'll let it go after that. if it doesn't work out, you did it, i can do it :) thanks.
xeno- he started using when he was 13. we're both 20 now. so it's like, i've had to grow up so much in the past year or so & he's still struggling at about a 15 now that he's working on himself. long road, but you're right, it's his.
yankees- i'm sorry, i hate how lonely we can feel even if we're not truly alone. last holiday season he was in rehab, now he's in rehab for his bday and mine and upcoming holidays, not to mention my pregnancy and son's birth. but if i can go through that stuff basically single now, i can probably do it with him or without him later too. my mom always ruined special family stuff too & i guess it's up to me to make things good for me.
