The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So tonight was an exact repeat of last Friday, which I posted about. ABF was supposed to go to the 8pm AA meeting. Came home at the regular time, but was clearly drunk. Again.
I didn't rant and rave. I simply told him he needed to leave. That I made it clear last week that he can do whatever he wants, but he will not live in my home while he's doing it, and he will not lie to me. He denied he'd been drinking. Again. I just continued to tell him that he needed to leave. He said, "What do you want from me?" Acted all angry at ME, as if I am the one who is causing a problem. He finally admitted he had been drinking (like I'm stupid -- like I couldn't smell it a mile away and like I didn't know from his obnoxious behavior). Again, I told him to leave. That I will not live like this and that I will not let my daughter live like this.
So he left. I honestly don't care what he does at this point. I cannot control him. I cannot help him. It's hard to let go of the guilt and the feelings of responsibility, being an ACOA, but I'm somehow managing.
I'm still angry, though. And I need to let that go. I know, if he could choose not to have this disease, then he would not have this disease. But the constant lying, disrespect, and emotional abuse when he's drinking has pretty much killed any feelings of love or concern for him. I am angry b/c I've been allowing him to live in my home, basically supporting him, b/c he is still waiting to get his job back. He works for the town, and they're dragging this out, demanding all kinds of paperwork, etc. He's protected by ADA, due to the alcoholism and his Anxiety disorder, but I think they're trying to drag it out long enough so that he gives up and looks for another job. He hasn't worked in nearly two months, and I cannot support him, my daughter and myself on my income. I'm angry b/c he has not expressed one iota of appreciation for anything that I've done for him. Which then makes me angry at myself, b/c it was my CHOICE to let him stay here. I shouldn't have expected anything from him -- appreciation, sobriety, etc. I knew what I was dealing with. I shouldn't be surprised by any of this.
But I'm still angry, angry, angry. For allowing myself to be hurt and used once again. I do know that this is it -- I gave him the benefit of the doubt that last Friday was a "slip", that he'd get right back on the wagon and be committed to sobriety. It's become painfully obvious over the last week, though, that he's not. Hard to explain, but he's just seemed to be the selfish, uncaring ABF again. He's supposedly been going to meetings and counseling this week, but I don't trust anything he says at this point. Tonight clinched it. The lies, the attitude, the total disregard for me and my daughter. I'm so done. (Yah, like I haven't said THAT before, but I'm really feeling so indifferent to him now. I just don't care anymore.)
So, onward and upward. I don't want him in my life at all. And I know I will have to put up with the guilt trips, the harassment, the emotional abuse. But I will NOT let him back into my life. It's a little scary, b/c there are things I was counting on from him (stupid, I know), like figuring out why my car didn't pass inspection and getting it taken care of b/c I can't drive to work without the car, and it needs to pass inspection by the end of November, and I have NO money to get it diagnosed or fixed. But how selfish is that -- to want to keep him around to take care of things like that? B/c honestly, that's the main thing on my mind right now. I'll have to put on my big girl panties and figure it out for myself. And it's the figuring everything out for myself that I need to focus on. No more excuses, no more codependency.
Sorry to ramble like this. I just had to get it out. I live, literally, on an island, and there is no f2f meeting until Sunday, so I just had to spew it here.
I will need a lot of inner strength, but I know I've got it in me. I will leave him to his higher power, and I will trust in mine. I'm officially off the roller coaster. I've given him more chances than I should have. Nothing I can do will help him. But I CAN help me.
Have been where your at, many times. I was married to the XAh for 26 years, we have been apart for two and I have filed for divorce. My only hope was that he would reach sobriety, but that never happened and it turn out he was not good for my health.
Cant tell you what you should do, but can support your decision. Know that we are here to listen and help in anyway we can.
You know the saying "Nothing changes, if nothing changes". Alcoholic sounds like he could use a good dose of consequences. But of course this journey is about us. You will figure out what to do about your car, trust your HP. Good that your turning him over to his HP.
Your sounding healthier and happier already.
Wishing you strength, luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Saturday 9th of October 2010 02:04:31 AM
You set a boundary and you followed through on it. That's how we take care of ourselves. It sounds as if your instincts are right on target and your BF has not hit his bottom yet, despite what he says. And as we all know, they find it (if they do) on their own timeline, not ours. So it sounds as if you were very realistic. And indeed nothing changes if nothing changes.
I know that anger and resentment so well. I always felt like, "I have stretched my patience and resources extra, extra far for you -- and you are still taking unfair advantage, and you're still not even grateful to me!" And then I learned the saying "My choices, my results," which is good because I realize I can control whether this happens to me again, but also I realize I let all of this happen. Well, I was hopeful and a little naive. But it is so exasperating when you realize you had invested all of this energy and emotion and the investment has totally tanked and you're left like all those folks who invested in the Ponzi schemes. !!
It's so good you're here. Hang in there. Take care of yourself. Keep coming back!
I don't blame you at all for making your decision.
As far as the car, if I were you I would start by calling whatever division that car thing is from. Tell them the situation. Maybe ask if there are any programs to help people like you who are in a bind.
The Salvation Army and St. Vincent De Paul may be able to direct you. Also you could ask on Craigslist. Just be careful!
I know you can do it.
We can only take the insanity of the disease so long. I am like you where I would not and did not put my kids thru it.
Thanks so much, guys. I'm doing okay today. No regrets. I'm feeling a little fearful, afraid. I can't put my finger on what exactly I'm afraid of. My guess is, it's the unknown. My new life without ABF. But I'm still feeling strong. Just very tired. I took my daughter and her friend to a local festival today, and it was good to get out in the sunshine and fresh air.
I will figure out what to do about the car. Honestly, if I were to put on a scale all the crap I would have to put up with if I had ABF still in my life, and put my money/car woes on the other side, the ABF side would be so much heavier. I can do this.
It means so much that I have all of you here, as well as my local f2f meetings. I think this would be so much harder all on my own.
