The material presented
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I posted last night how my AH was drunk and telling me I was a bad parent. I come home tonight and was telling him how I don't like the way he treated me and it was totaly unacceptable. Was I wrong?? All he could say was What about my feelings. He just kept repeating that over and over. What about my feelings. Gosh this is to stuipd. I think he proably has been drinking today cause he didn't work and of course he didnt go look for a job and was in the garage all day. Oh sure he mowed the lawn and did the dishes but we are drowning in debt here so where does he get the money for booze he proably does some carpentry work for friends and doesnt tell me and keeps the money. Anyway I couldnt talk to him because all he could say was What about my feelings. Holy cow he felt nothing he was drunk!!!
You can tell your alcoholic anything you want, its how we say it. Its usually better to wait for a moment when they are sober, but somtimes that moment never comes. What is it, "Say what you mean , just dont say it mean. "
Just stay with your program and concentrate on you and your serenity. You know they dont know what they are saying when they are drunk. Try not to react at that moment. I know, cause it would just set me off and we dont want to go there.
Its best not to engage in conversation when they are drunk, its insane.
Stay with the program and practice it as much as you can.
Wishing you strength and courage. Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 6th of October 2010 06:06:53 PM
I know just how you feel. It is beyond infuriating.
I like that, "say what you mean, just don't say it mean" - I've never heard that before. Even if he doesn't recieve what you have to say, and he probably won't, I think for your own sake, you should be able to tell him how you felt when he treated you badly.
My own AH is like, a brick wall? Nothing gets through to him, and he's got an excuse for everything. There is no reasoning with him when it comes to the subject of his addiction. It doesn't bring about change for me to "tell him how I feel" - but for my own sake, not wanting to turn into a doormat, I feel the need to tell him anyway. I just have to try to do it in a non-emotional, non-crying, way. Hard for me to do. ;)
I think it is absolutely ok to say whatever you feel. I dont think trying to have a logical conversation with an illogical person does much however. To expect an addicted to person to consider your feelings is most likely pushing the envelope, they are to absorbed in their own...Its good for you to say whatever you need to :) thanks and glad your with us here :) blessings
Thanks Bettina, I realize he had been drinking when he kept saying what about my feelings. The kids came straight home from school today because my parents were coming by with a b-day present. He wanted to say sorry to them for acusing them of smoking pot and drinking but they wont talk to him when he is drunk so they said sure ok and can we go to our friends now. I said yes and now he said I made him out to be an a hole and told me I really missed up big time. (does that mean he is leave finaly) not nice but it would be a dream come true. Sorry that my true feelings
Aloha Snodebb...what the Yank replied with is what I'd go with today after years in recovery. Where you wrong? No. Will you get validation from the alcoholic? don't expect it and it won't hurt that much more...you can come here for validation cause we know how the shoe fits. Does the alcohlic have feelings also? yes and are your responsible for his feelings? Not as long as he has choices of his own. I early recovery the insanity will remain as long as one or both of the players continue to do the same old behaviors expecting a different outcome. Attend to your own recovery and the situation will change for you. When you change you will be grateful for the sanity. If he isn't in recovery then he doesn't have a sponsor to talk about how he feels and why and how he reacts and why. Too early.
Jerry, Thanks you always have something great to say. My AH has been in recovery several times once he was sober for 3 yrs the last time after he spent 7 months in jail he was sober for 1yr and the kids and I threw a surprise party on his 1 yrs b day and the next day he was drunk and its been off and on now for the past 2 yrs. I'm trying to get my kids on the teen site and I leave it up on my lap top so they see it when they use it. anyway thanks for being here and Im sorry every time I post something its cause Im having a bad time. Next time I just going to see how everyone else is doing.
We all come here with whatever, that is why we are here! Please, never hesitate to share here.
We talk about boundaries a lot. I would make it clear, when someone,not saying you, speaks to me kindly I will also listen, but if I hear anything negative I am leaving the room.
So if anyone ever attacks my person, I leave the room. I am fortunate no one does, never has. My ex AH always threatened to burn the house down, kill himself, leave,(I always said there is the door)
I believe the message is clearer to A's, especially when they are under the influence,when we leave the room, ignore them, don't engage.
I mean when they are more sober, or when? The responses are, oh you may be right, that is how you feel, wow wonder what would make one stay with one when they feel like that about them.....
detach from the banter, it means NOTHING. It is coming from a brain that is being fed by molecules that are NOT nutritius hon! They are "retarded!!"
You know you are a good person! I invite you to go to face to face meetings, get books on loving yourself. Learn about your good qualities, find YOU. We cannot depend on our A's to be our mirrors.
Do you believe in those funny mirrors? That is how our A's see us, and the world!
It is up to us to change our world. How we do it is completely our path. We do not have to allow a brain damaged, retarded person to run our lives. How in the world can we ever expect to be ok allowing that?
It may take time too, and lots of growth on our part.
I am so glad you are here! When you share it encourages others to share and we learn from each other.
Even though I have zero A's in my life now, I still learn and am reminded.
Way easier said than done, but I hear you projecting and fearing the future - that has not yet happened.... IF the bad stuff you are anticipating does indeed happen, you will need all your wits, strength, and self-control to do what you need to do..... If it doesn't happen, think of all the wasted (negative) energy you are wasting right now....
I wish you peace, serenity, and the acceptance of ODAT (or one hour, or one minute - whatever it takes)
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
(((hugs))) Too new to offer much wisdom, but I'm going through the same thing, maybe it will help you to know you're not alone... I too think we have to be able to tell them how we feel, but accept that they are not going to validate us like we need.... maybe they are too sick. I will repeat something Canadian Guy said to me on my first post... (paraphrased) You don't go to the hardware store for a loaf of bread.... That's kind of like going to our sick alcoholics for emotional support. We have to find others to give that to us, I guess.
It's good you spoke up for yourself. And, perhaps, there could be something there for you to look at, as well, in whatever part you might have played, but do so with a rational, clear mind. The A's can be good at trying to make us take the blame for things that definitely are not our responsibility.
I remember one time being flabbergasted by my exAH's behavior at a Halloween party maybe three years ago. It was at his boss's place. He'd been drinking. I was standing next to a short flight of stairs (maybe three or four steps), looking at a picture on the wall when he came up and shoved me. I stumbled down the stairs and fortunately caught myself, but twisted my ankle.
I was furious. He was standing there laughing at me and my ankle was hurt and I was embarrassed on top of it all, having this entire situation play out in front of his employers and colleagues.
In stead of recognizing I was upset by the whole thing, he yelled at me and chose to be offended because I was upset.
I was glad we'd taken our own vehicles to the get-together. I went home early right after that. I was so hurt and furious and confused over the entire situation.
This was before Al-Anon and before I knew how screwed up the A's could behave. I pretty much received the same message from him... "But what about MY feelings?" He could care less about what I'd gone through, all he was concerned about was that I might embarrass HIM because I didn't appreciate being shoved down a set of stairs.
