The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am finally starting to see that maybe I am getting a little bit better. It seems like a very slow process some days but the program works when I honestly try my best to work at it.
My DD 18 moved out of our home under poor terms earlier this summer. She is staying with her bf in his parents home. I have been slowly cutting off all financial support the last couple of months and now believe as soon as I have her off our auto policy that will be it.
I saw her over the weekend and she had been drinking but trying to act like she wasn't. In the past I would have believed her story but not any longer. I just calmy told her that I love her and would support her the best I could including school, car, etc.. but not while she continues on with her current living arrangement.
She didn't say yeah or nay as to wether she will leave there home, move back with us or go elsewhere. I didnt beg, plead or cry or rage (which is a huge improvement for me). I just stated what was and left it at that.
My guess is she will continue on with her current arrangement until the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of change. I have just decided not to be one the the characters in their insane drama.
The whole time she is over talking with us her bf continues to text and call her over and over and over. When she finally answered the phone and told him she was talking to us he wouldn't let her off the phone. He just kept drilling her about what we were talking about, what were we saying, when was she coming back over and over.
Honestly, I don't know what she's doing with this kid or how she can put up with his interrogating her. Her life I have to let her live it how she chooses.
The miracle for me was that I did not have to act like him, by carrying on and trying to get my way. I just layed out my boundary, told her why and how I had come to my decision, told her I loved her and offered her and alternative. Thats it folks. Then I spent a little time visiting with her and listening to her talki about college and future goals.
Thanks for all the support I receive here. It has really helped.
By letting go of the illusion of control over other people and their actions...we find an enormous burden is lifted and we begin to discover the freeom and the power we do possess - the power to define and live our own lives. (Edited version) ~ Paths To Recovery
Thanks Barbie. The statement hits it square on the head. "the illusion of control"
I never had control of her and guess what neither does her bf. People usually end up doing exactly what they want to do.
But I can learn to have some control over myself, my thoughts, actions and feelings.
You know what...I miss me! It is time to let her go and take care of myself. Get back to being someone I like. Find and develop my hobbies, interests and tastes.
It is progress. I spent (wasted) most of the summer crying, begging, plotting, planning...anything to try to figure out how to get/make her see that I had I plan, it was the right one and she just need to get on board and follow it to happiness.
Well, I finally surrendered and decided to just let go and let GOD. I prayed a lot while she was here to have HP put the right words in my mouth at the right time and who knows how much of it she actually heard or agrees with but at least she knows I am not reacting. That is how our relationship had been me reacting and obsessing.
I am happy to be off that hamster wheel, at least for a little while.
Thank you for your inspirational post. I feel like I am forever working on detachment and letting go. I admire your progress.
I use the aka 'Bud', as I once saw a photo of a rosebud with a saying that alluded to the rose will bloom when the pain of remaining a tight bud becomes to great.
