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Well another road to travel in the world of addiction, my son came home Wednesday evening so high i honestly thought he was going to overdose.
So I took his keys, Thursday morning he woke up give me my keys I want to go look for a job, meanwhile he has a t-shirt and sweat pants on. Job my azz he wanted to go get high.
So my daughter calls me on her way to school, ma I am missing $22.00 from my purse it's gone and she had it the night before. I was missing $40.00 now mind u my income is limited while i am in school and he knows it. I know for a fact my son took this money so I confronted him. He got very angry of course because he was busted pulled out is wallet see it's not here pulled out his pockets not here I said take off your shoes do you think he did NO....so then he said he was just going to kill himself several times. I took this very seriously. He left on foot so I called mental health they agreed to help him. Now I found out where he was and sent them there of course he ran or maybe he wasn't there at all.
Now here is the thing, he came home last night about 2:30am I can still have him picked up but I would rather he get help on his own.
Should I give this a day or two and see what happens or do I have him put in a mental ward...he is in serious trouble this I know. He has sold things or exchanged them for drugs his i-pod touch I bought him is gone.....he had a watch very valuable gone....and i do not know what else is gone.
I know if he doesn't get help he will be gone as well either lost in the world of addiction or dead and that is the facts.
Now I have a decision to make today on what the hell to do next. i know I will not live this way anymore. He flies off the handle at a drop of a hat, calls me names I can't even say, and he is stealing from us. He has a dui and underage drinking and wreckless driving charge pending against him. I am sick and tired of it all, I know that enough is enough. He graduated in June no job just getting high. That is his job. I know I can not make him stop he has to want it.
Sorry so long just so much to deal with. I am glad he is home and safe but I know it's a tiny band-aid on a wound that needs stiching.
I am so so sorry you are having to deal with this. I do think its moment by moment when in crisis. I am glad you have a plan be. Remember the three C's, your son has to want sobriety and it doesn't sound like he does. Of course many a person has gone from not wanting to wanting in a short space of time. Many of them do that when there is some kind of an intervention. Some of them don't.
The fact is he has indicated he is suicidal so you can get help that way. Nevertheless that might just be a short reprieve. I hope you have a copy of the Getting them Sober book or can visit their web site as they have a number of options available during a crisis.
You really don't deserve to have this level of stress and I hope you are taking care of yourself. Take note of where your purse is, lock up stuff. Keep a wary eye out.
(((((((Andrea12)))))))), similar circumstances happening here too, with our son, I am trying to simply enjoy the times when our son is home and safe with us, and trying to accept that his choice of life style is just that, his, wether I like it or not, I am trying not to enable it, and putting my faith in something higher to help him find his way, the sad thing is he will do what ever he will do wether we worry or not, and boy do we worry, there is always hope they are young and time is a great healer, you are a loving mother and doing your absolute best, much love and (((((((hug's)))))))).
He must be under 18 am I correct? I know where I live in Calif. you cant sign anyone in a facility unless they are under age. You cant keep them there, they have free will.
As long as you have the power over your child and he is talking suicide, you have the right and also the Doctor can make that decision . I know my husband just mentioned the word suicide to the Dr. and she put him in a facility and lock down for two weeks.
also your son could be just saying it because , addicts never want to be locked up, because it keeps them away from what the want to do first and foremost and thats use.
What is important also is your peace. You know no matter what , he is ultimately going to do what he is going to do. I have a few friends that had this problem with their kids. She chose tough love and as soon as he turned 18, she told him if he didnt abide by her boundaries, which were school or a job, he had to leave. He did leave, on a bike and she didnt see him or hear from him for a few years. He did go to a sober living and changed his life around, he graduated from Berkely last year.
You know its your decision, because only you will have to live with that decision and the outcome. I think the death of his friend affected him deeply and he needs one on one counseling if you can get him there.
We know from being here all this time, the answer. I understand when we are in it though, we need reminders. I know I do hon.
My son is a very difficult person. I adore him, am proud of him. But he is not perfect.
Has a temper, loses his cool. With me I me, his wife etc when he is frustrated.
I cannot change him, or do anything. That is bad enough. If he was into drugs, I would have to leave it alone. I don't live with him though!
I never had any hope in putting my ex ah away. It is not that easy at all. Does not mean you cannot try if you choose to!
One thing in his favor, he is young.
This is my experience Andrea. Please take it as such. NOT telling you what to do.
I would make very clear boundaries. Number on is to live in this home I need everyone to be drug free. No consequences. Your choice. period, simple and clear.
This would include friends. I did not allow kids in my home who were on drugs, including alcohol. In fact i could tell when one of my students walked in my classroom up or down. That freaked them out as not many could tell.
To live in this house everyone will be home by midnight if you aren't or don't plan to, please call me.
Andrea my son used to call and check in when he was at that age. I sure appreciated that. Sometimes he still does.
Clear home rules. Not pointed at anyone.
Hon do your best to keep emotions out of it. No you did this, or trying to get the truth. Does zero good. You know the truth, they know the truth.
If it were me, and it was but mine was 15 or 16 I think, I would get him into survivor camp. They have scholarships, maybe you have insurance on him? Katherine Freer is an excellent one.
You may have to give him a serious jolt. It is not lock up, but when they are backpacked miles out in nowhere, as far as they know, they won't leave. This type of rehab, I have seen GREAT results in my son and his friends who moms did it too.
They really gain, and grow up.
These people are professionals, they deal with kids, young people who are right where your son is. He is horribly grieving his dad, and his friend. NO excuse...
What I had to learn was that I wasn't responsible for my alcoholic and at the same time that I was responsible to my alcoholic and what that mean't...for me...was that after I learned what the program was teaching me to never act as if I could do some thing different regardless of the reason. Yes...to thine own self be true...became a spiritual law so that when I participated with my alcoholic she always was not enabled. It was difficult and tiring at first and then became the easiest way of living. What I have learned here has given me peace of mind and serenity and rebuilt a relationship with a power greater than myself. Everyday I get to practice it one more time and each day I acknowledge to myself and my HP and the program..."this is how I want to do it." Each inch you give this disease it rips off another mile. I'm done.
You're getting there Sis. I'm in support. ((((hugs))))
Thanks all, he is 18 who has had to deal with more than most adults of 80 in his short life.
I know he has a problem, I know he needs help....getting him to admit it is a whole other ball game. I am trying to mean what i say but don't say it mean.
I just went thru his phone and he was trying to find drugs today for gods sake.
I want to give up but how can i give up on my son whom i adore and love more than my next breath.
I know all the things we are suppose to do...I took his car...next gonna turn off his cell so he has no access to call for drugs.
The sad fact is if he wants it he'll get it. If not then I don't want to be here anymore I swear to the Good Lord above I have had more than one person can handle.
I am numb....I am tired.....I am sick and tired of picking myself up just to be pushed back down......God has given me more than I can handle and that is a fact. Heaven has to be a better place because I feel this is hell.......
"I want to give up but how can i give up on my son whom i adore and love more than my next breath."-Andrea
((( Andrea ))) I do know what that self sacrificng all encompassing love feels like - I loved everyone else that way, while I continued to be self sacrificing and hurting me. There is nothing you can do to get him to stop. Seperate your precious boy from the disease, he is in the grips of hell and torment, no doubt about that. You sinking on his ship, doesnt help anyone. You have to put YOU in front of everyone else and simply consider YOU first, you dont have to over do it on you, just make sure you are first in line - you know, put on your own oxygen mask first, then aid others. If you are stressed or unhealthy it doesnt help him or you. And I do know this sounds like poison to most moms -but- we have to honor and respect the you inside and the HP within. Surrender your son to his HP, hand him over and everytime you worry for him, let that be a reminder to pray for him and him over to the HP that sparked his life. Surrender your powerlessness over the whole disease and simply focus on YOU, detach with love and give him the dignity and space to sort out his own mind. You do the same, work on you, rememmber what you always wnated to do but never got around to it (sculpting, tango or cooking lessons? hiking, reading, meditating, whatever it is, go do what you enjoy).
Our kids want to see us healthy and managing. You certainly cant manage anyone but you. I love that saying, ' "our life is a gift from god, what we do with it is our gift to the god/HP" '. This realisation - gave me the drive/impetus to want to try to love me, the way god does and they way my mom always did. It was terrifying but life changing. Ive gotten so much in self respect, respecting others, faith in action (surrendering outcomes to HP).
Forgive yourself for whatever it is you have to be, to be free. None of us deserves to suffer or cruelty, yet we do this to ourselves on a daily basis when we say, we arent good enough or smart enough or we should have done/known better - how does that help us to improve and feel better? It doesnt. Give yourself a break, forgive and if you arent ready to or cant yet, pray for the willingness to get there and the how to - hp will show you the way. God isnt judging us, it is we that do that.
It is overwhelming, all of the problems we face in today's society. Look aroound and appreciate whatever it is that you can and have. If this was your last day, what would you be doing with it? Ask yourself, what can you do to allow you to feel better right now/today and then do that thing. Some days for me, its eat ice cream, other days its work out or make something for me or clean something else. What can you do that will allow you to feel self respect and then do it, it has changed my life altogether. Please dont try to do it alone, let HP help, willingly hand it over. We are the only ones we can control and change. I know that doesnt seem like much consolation -but- you can appreciate your own changes and feel really good about them, it is empowering.
Whatver it is that we focus on, it grows. Focus on the solutions for YOU, things you CAN DO, not what you can't. Take care, give you a break, breathe and take extra special care of YOU, be kind and gentle, careful. It gets so much better. Then you will be modeling self love and care, self respect and healthy boundaries and your son has a better chance with a sane loving mom, not a worried obsessed one. Do this for YOU, in turn it will be for him and everyone else as well. prayers on the way.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I know with every breath that is in me that if my XAH, (who is the child of an alcoholic,both parents ) had a Father who would have guided him and given him a swift kick in the ass when he was young, he might not have turned to alcohol.
The XAH really related to my late Father, he loved and respected him. My Dad was tough. One time my Dad yelled at my XAH, my x said your " Your Dad yelled at me" . I told him thats because he thinks of you as his son and loves you. He started to cry, he said nobody has cared for me that way.
Kids need discipline, they need to know they are loved by your rules and boundaries. Unfortunately, you have to be Mother and Father. I have many friends that dont have husbands and they have kids. Ive seen tough love, it works the best on young people. They dont need parents who are their friends. Your problem isnt an isolated one. There are so many parents with addicted children. Its an epidemic.
First things first , like Hot Rod said, rest a lot. Back off the problem and impliment your boundaries. Wishing you all the best. Bettina
My son is very young still, as so, this may be territory that I am too unfamiliar with to have any practical experience with. But I have loved an A for a decade and this is what I learned...
It was wayyyyyyyy easier, and oddly more instantly gratifying, for me to love him in the way that included taking what he did personally, raging at him, trying to control him and his actions and his decisions, trying to be his conscience for him, protecting him from the consequences of his decisions.
It became much harder for me when I began to change the way I loved him to acceptance of him and respect for this being his truth and his journey. I love him through detachment and allowing his life to unfold in the way that is right for him, even if it doesn't please me. I love him by setting him free and trusting that his HP, with all this ample room to do so, will hold him up and carry him along to where exaH needs to be. This love I have for my exaH is deeper, more compassionate and much more difficult than any of the love i had for him beforehand. This, is unconditional and pure. I learned that as long as I was standing in his way, he would never have the opportunity to change his life. It's not about me anymore. And it's a hard new way for me to love.
(((Andrea))) my prayers for you and your family. I dont really have anything to add to all the esh you have received here, other than my prayers...........when we have an addicted person that isnt looking for help the only thing we can do is pray that god finds them, when they are not looking for him....blessing and prayers your way (((((((Andrea))))))))))
I have no words of wisdom for you. Your entire family has been through too much. I don't feel it is right for me not being a parent to make suggestions to you. All I can do my friend is say an extra prayer or two for you & your family. Hoping you find the answers you need. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Andrea, my heart goes out to you. As a parent who has been down the road you are on with your son. I can truly relate to how hard it is to give up on your own child. Let me share some good news with you.
You don't ever have to give up on your child. You never have to give up loving, you never have to give up hoping, you never have to give up praying, and you never have to give up being a parent.
However, there is a few things you can give up. First, taking any responsibility for his addiction or the consequences it brings him.
Second, any resources you are providing him that enables him to serve his addiction. Granted, with or without a car or cell phone, he may continue to find a means and way to use, but as parents we are not obligated to provide them with the means or way. At 18 years of age, you are no longer obligated to provide him adequate housing either.
Unfortunately, many parents including myself started hiding valuables, locking them up, instead of putting the addicted thief out of our homes, and then we were exposed to the words and behaviors aimed directly at us that literally broke our hearts.
Our hearts are broke enough, we don't have to allow any one to take the peace and safety from our safe haven called home.
Now, tough love... its not just tough on them. It's tough on us too. But if I kept doing what I have always done, I couldn't expect my son to do anything different, immediately or later.
Today my son is 30 years old. He is in recovery. He ran out of resources, ways and means, life got hard, and he finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I had to close my home and my wallet to him at the age of 19. If I hadn't he may not have ever seen the age of 30. And without a doubt, he would not have ever found recovery. My early actions and reactions, were a part of his addiction. He was using, getting high... but it was me going bonkers all the time.
I never closed my heart to him and today we have a wonderful relationship, beyond anything I could have ever imagined.
I had to Let Go and Let God, I had to turn him over to the care of God, (step three) everyday. Many of the early days I had to hear how much he hated me, what kind of crappy parent I was. I would only reply, "Regardless, I love you and always will. So, much that I'm no long willing to help feed the disease that took my son from me."
God often works in the 11th hour, He might show up at 11:59, but in over 20 years I have not seen Him show up at 12:01. He is never late. I just had to quit trying to get things done in my time frame, and trust Him.
A wise man once told me..."John, if you want your son to grow up, you are going to have to stop treating him like a baby! Let go, so that he can grow up... before he dies."
As a parent, you are the best you can be at this moment in time. Own that. Today, my son thinks I'm the best dad in the world and all I have done is never give up loving, hoping and praying.
Sincerely, John F.
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Andrea: I would agree at times there are moments when we are absolutely overwhelmed. I think its quite right to say that. I know you have been through one roller coaster after another these last few years. I also know that you made it through each one of them getting stronger and stronger. I have tremendous admiration for you. I think its perfectly natural to be upset, angry and overwhelmed. Please take time for you, see a counselor, get an idea what your options are. I know when I am in emergency mode stepping back is so difficult. Nevertheless I know I always have to detach physically and then mentally to get some clarity.
Andrea and John I know exactly how you are feeling having an A son myself. I too did and said all the wrong things that only enabled his disease. And like andrea our son lived at home and everyday watching him torture himself and slowly kill himself we finally realized just giving him a roof over his head was enabling his disease. But he had lost his jobs, friends, money etc he had no where to go but a shelter or the streets. Having no money did not stop him from getting high what so ever. He found what over the counter drugs that he could take and get the same effect. Of course with no money he had to steal from the stores on a daily basis. we live in a small town and while they could never catch him my sons picture was in every store in our town posted as a person not allowed in thier store. Imagine the humiliation of us parents having our sons picture posted all over town. Frankly I would take all the humilitation in the world if he would just accpet recovery. But no. He to stole from us, sold all his belongings, we had to hide our wallets check book and anything he could pawn. Somethings stored at the neighbors house. we were seriously living in insanity He was in serious trouble with the law and refused time and again to comply with his probation so has been in and out of jail more times than i can count always telling us upon his release he has changed we always believeing him. He tried suicide in our home by ODing we called 911 the police, the paramedics documented well it was a clear suicide attempt, we called the crisis team in to evaluate him for admisssion. Of course by the time they saw him he had sobered up enough to deny it was a suicide attempt and despite all the documantaion they would not accept him... so home he came again. Finally after over a year we realized he was killing himself right in front of our eyes each and everyday. Oh yea he did the "I am going to look for work thing also" coming home high every time. As our sons drug of choice is hallucinigens ( called loner drugs) he would go out, get high and get home as quick as he could to go into his living quarters and hallucinate. So yes finally we realized just putting a roof over his head was enabling him. We sat him down one day while sober and put down our boundry once and for all. Get high and this is no longer your home. We will take you to a shelter and you can live as you please. Lots of prayer and tears went into that decision and we still pray and cry daily over it. Anyway Son said he completly understood blah blah blah. And then proceeded to go out and get high. He came home, we started packing his belongings as I cried my eyes out. I told him we were not angry at him just so incredibly sad at the choice he made. By law i had to inform his probation officer he would no longer be residing here. His PO told us to keep him there and he would come pick him up, and he did. So back to jail. But this time the judge sentenced him to the jail rehab unit where he sits today. he's been there 10 months with 2 months left to serve. We have reminded him as we need to, home is not an option and this time he cannot be relleased until he has a job and a place to live. The last 30 days of his sentence he will have day passes to go out and look for work. We are working with a sober living home to get him in there but in this day and age just finding a job is hard enough finding a job with a felony on your record is near impossble. So we pray that we can stay in close enough touch with the sober living home to keep a bed for him or he will also have to wait for an opening there. I love my son more than life itself but i cannot help him anymore and that alone is heartbreaking beyond belief. I do know that I have used this time with him out of the home to completly throw myself into the program so when he gets out I have all my alanon tools ready to go to stick to my boundaries and to surrender my son to his HP. This is a moment by moment thing for me for all i want to do is wrap my son up with all the love I have and fix him. But we all know that is not possible. You are in my thoughts and prayers
It was so heartning to hear your experience with your son, with a great outcome.
I dont have a child with an addiction, but I have many friends that do and my brothers son was going down that path at one time, but my brother took the action and nipped it in the bud.
When my friend turned her son out of her home she told me it was the toughest decision in her life, but she said , this would be the only chance for her son to have a life. In todays society there are so many single Moms that have all the responsibility of raising there sons and daughters. These kids will also use divorce to their advantage. Its unfortunate that they have to act as both Father and Mother. And of course with women it is our role to nurture and sometimes that doesnt work to our advantage in the issue of addiction.
Thanks again for your sharing and that the end result for you and your family turned out so wonderful. As I said my friends son graduated from Berkley last year and has remained sober. It may be painful to go thru, but you got to the other side .!
