The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Everyday, moment by moment, I am swinging back and forth between thinking, "he's a drunk, no he's not really a drunk, he's getting better, no, he's drinking more than before, I have to leave, I can't leave, I will miss him, I can't stand him, I won't miss him, he's ruining my kids lives, it will ruin my kids lives IF I leave him, I have to get him out of here, maybe we can just live separately and date, I can't bear to be apart from him, how much is he drinking, I don't care how much he's drinking, is he a drunk, yes he is, no he's just having fun, I HAVE TO GET HIM OUT OF MY LIFE, NO I CAN'T STAND TO LOSE HIM!!!!"
I tried to break up with him a week ago, and it turned into the same pattern I've gone through with so many others.... try to break up, but somehow end up being the one to apologize and ask him not to leave me!! He managed to turn it around and tell me I was the dizzy one. Ha!!
I just read Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews, so at least I know I'm not the only one to go through all this junk.
But, the stress is getting to me. I feel like I should talk to him when he's sober, but I am afraid of the ultimatum. Indecision has plagued me, my ENTIRE LIFE, and it seems the older I get, the less confident and more sick and weak I become.
I know that no one here will tell me "what to do" which is great, it HAS to be my decision. I went through that when I left my last husband (dry drunk, physical abuser) I have no regrets. But leaving was a process that literally took years of heartache.
But this man, he drinks too much, but it's hard to say exactly why that's a problem for me. He is a happy drunk, hyper, loud, funny even when he's not drinking. Not violent, not abusive, just drinks to the point of passing out... tells me he's gonna lighten up but can't seem to do it... he does get grumpy when I used to try to wake him up after passing out.... so of course now I just let him sleep.
I just have no perspective anymore. Don't know if I should keep him in my life or not. Don't know what questions to ask myself, when trying to make that decision.
Your questioning mind is very familar to those new to alanon. That is why it is suggested that we make NO Major life changes until we are in program for 6 months to a year. It takes that long to obtain some peace and clarity.
Dealing with this disease, alone causes us to be confused, deny reality, pretend the unaccepotable is OK etc.
Attending meetings in order to calm your mind is the answer. It does not matter if he is an alcoholic The only requirements for membership is that you have difficulty with hisdrinking You are coming to alanon to deal with your mind and not his drinking.
Thank you, Betty!! I think one of the hardest things, is after what I went through with my last husband, feeling trapped in an abusive situation, I am now free of that and don't want to get trapped again. Now my new fiance is living here and I have all this anxiety about being trapped by another dysfunctional man. We are supposed to get married in February and move into his house then. (My lease here will be up.) So along with no major life changes like breaking up for 6 months, I know I should not get married either. I wonder how to approach that subject with him too!
I'm sure many of us have been in the same position.
From my observations, my A also had many of the same behaviors. His inner thoughts seemed to go from "I'm fine without drink, there's no problem, things are fine, oh my God I'm so stressed, I'll just have a drink, I've got to have a drink! I've got to have one right now! Oh my God why did I do that? Well, I just won't do it again, it's fine, no problem. Oh no, life is too overwhelming! Must get away from everyone! Must hide! No, it's no problem, I'm on top of everything. Feel so good, think I'll go to a bar and hang out with the fellas..." Just all kinds of swinging back and forth. When I get too into my mood swings and panic, I remember that my A believed all of his mood swings too. So that helps me think, "Many of my fears are just as removed from reality as his were." It also helps me understand how he can give everything over to his addiction. I certainly know what it's like to feel overwhelmed my chaos.
I don't know if I'm making any sense here -- just thinking out loud -- but I'd bet most of us know those feelings so well.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease . I dont know how long you have been with your A husband , but the disease is also a form of abuse. On the alcoholic and on us. It is spiritually and emotionally devastating.
It would be helpful if you attend the face to face meetings and keep coming back to the board to share with us your experiences and work on your serenity for yourself.
You cannot give an alcoholic an ultimatum unless you are ready for what the consequences will bring. They will always choose alcohol no matter what they promise. He will only stop when he is ready.
Keep working the program and you will find an answer for yourself. It doesnt have to be this very moment. Try to connect to your HP, it will show you the way.
Aloha OMO5...From my experience what Betty suggested, "Attending meetings in order to calm your mind is the answer. It does not matter if he is an alcoholic The only requirements for membership is that you have difficulty with hisdrinking You are coming to alanon to deal with your mind and not his drinking.", is gold...what has worked for her, for me and thousands of others and still we will not give guarantees because it is up to you to go and work it yourself as suggested.
I don't know if you are yet attending open meetings of the AFG and I pray that you will soon. The insanity is optional. (((((hugs)))))
Hi and thank you for your post. Flooded with a ton of different emtions right now, I suggest you do nothing in the way of making a decision :) I think this is where the "work on yourself" comes into play seriously. Work on your own recovery and that will lead you to a place where you can make some healthy choices for you and your children. I made a lot of decisions with a messed up perspective which certainly I didnt see at the time and they sure werent good ones lol...Get into your own recovery it will lead you to making and knowing the right choices for you and your kids. blessings your way :)
Thank you so much for your post and thank you everyone else for your posts. I'm in a similar situation and it eases my heart to know that, not only don't I have to, I shouldn't make any major decisions now. I know that when I'm in a good and calm place the decision making is easer and comes with far fewer regrets.
I am going to give you some advice , if your not already please find Al-Anon meetings f2f for your family , you need support . your indecission is normal for those of us who live with this disease. Try our program f2f for afew months before making any life altering decissions ..This board isgreat but not enough to deal with living with a practicing alcoholic . It only takes one person to change to create change and since your here looking for help its going to have to be you we cannot wait for the alcoholic to wake up and see what hes' doing to himself and his family. Please get help for yourself then you can help your children . Louise Our kids deserve at least one sane parent ..
You are in the right place... (((HUGS))) I have lived with abuse as well and have gone through the hardship of divorce two times. Alanon has helped me so much in the last 3 months and I am so glad you are here! Time heals all wounds... remember to take care of yourself now so that you can take care of your children too :)
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
