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My W went over her usual 5 drinks tonight and my heart is pounding a mile-a-minute. I think she's finally passed out (at least I hope she is). She was slurring and stumbling and thought she was very cute. Even the kids were making fun of her. Luckily she thought they were just joking around with her. Otherwise she would have raged at them and then at me for allowing them to make fun of her. She would say "So you AGREE with them?! YOU think I'm a drunk too?! I'm having real doubts about you. I just don't feel safe with you. This really concerns me!"
I've been reading 'Codependent No More' and am trying to detach. I figured while it's not ok for my kids to make fun of their mom, this was a natural consequence of her actions.
Still don't have the guts to confront her about her drinking. When she drinks she gets paranoid, confrontational and verbally nasty. She also likes to accuse me of having an affair. These are just the behaviors that make me back down.
She can also get very sexual. I've been going along because I don't want a confrontation before I'm ready for one. I don't feel good about myself on that score.
I want to tell her that I will not engage with her, argue with her or sleep with her when she's drinking. Nor will I buy alcohol for her. I love her but can't control her drinking and will take care of myself.
I've always been a casual drinker (1-2 drinks per week) but now I really don't want to drink at all. She has been offering to make me drinks all week but I always refuse. Tonight, she offered me a beer which I took so as not to look like I'm trying to make a point passive aggressively. I couldn't finish it and didn't enjoy it at all. I want to be present, not in a haze.
I don't know if it's her paranoia or the fact that I'm not very good at hiding my feelings but she very often looks at me and says, "Why are you looking at me like that"? So I try not to look at her.
This pains me so much because I love her very much. When she's not drinking, she's the woman I know and love. After three or four drinks I can't stand her.
I'm sure this all sounds pretty classic. Yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. But I'm trying my hardest to take care of the only person I can take care of (me).
I know I will need to stand up to her, if for nothing else, to keep her from raging at the kids.
Well, that's if for now. Hopefully she's asleep. Not looking forward to the holidays.
Oh this brings up so many awful memories for me. As a child growing up with an A mother. The children loose respect for both parents for different reasons - well at least I did.
I remember seeing a painting by a ACOA.
It was a painting of the mother dancing half naked on the coffee table and the father looking on with only one arm - signifying his inability to deal with the situation.
I don't know the easy answer. I'm in my own predicament.
Telling your wife you love her (and not the disease) is all I can think of. Trying to shield your children is natural.
I too cannot stand to be sexual with my partner when he is drinking.
I'm sure someone here with more enlightenment will help you out. I just wanted you to know I was here and can understand how you feel.
Peace.
__________________
They are sick and we are crazy. Crazy no more. Amen.
It's very hard. And it sounds as if she rules the roost while she's drinking.
You say that you "don't have the guts" to confront her about her drinking. But do realize that confronting her wouldn't do anything except start a big argument. They already know their drinking is ruling their lives, even if they deny it and deny it. (They're denying it even to themselves.) The three C's are: we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. If we could change things by confronting them, there would be no alcoholics in the world. But confronting them doesn't do anything except give them another pretext for resentment and quarreling. So you don't have to feel guilty for not confronting her.
I do know that feeling that not saying something about the drinking is letting them go on pretending that nothing's wrong, which feels awful because something's very, very wrong. I think that kind of acknowledgement is a different kind of response than confronting. It took me a long time to figure out how to set boundaries so I could protect myself and my son when he started drinking. But that was a lifesaver when I could do it.
Your poor kids must be hurting. I'm glad they have one sober person to turn to. Keep on taking care of yourself.
I too remember the days when my life looked a lot like this scenario as you described. I was filled with so many questions and my emotions were untamed -anger, hurt, disappointment and a slew of other feelings. I always had "him" on my mind, why he did what he did, where he was going, in what shape would he come back? Would he come back? Was there anything I could do to convince him to change it? Why, if he loved me and our son, wouldn't he change? What was so bad that he was always trying to "getaway" from using drugs/alchohol? I took his behaviour so personally and in doing so, in many ways I took responsibility for it. I felt like he was never gonna do anything about it, so that left only me in charge.
I came to learn that I can only control my own behaviour and my own responses and reactions. I did begin to set some boundaries for myself. Those boundaries included the way that I would "engage" with the aH or not. Those boundaries also included the way I would choose to behave and think and respond. I got to know me better. I still am. I started to make some changes, one step at a time, so that my life looked more like I wanted it to look. I began to stop expecting him to want the same things as me. I started seeing the situation for what it was, rather than what I wish it was.
This board is a wonderful avenue for learning and support, as are the face to face mtgs.
Your story sounds very familiar. You have found a place with hope and new tools that will help you deal with this dreadful disease.
You know that this is a disease and that we cannot control it, cure it nor did we cause it . . You deserve to be happy and secure. Alanon face to face meetings are held in every community so please look up alanon in the white pages of the telephone book and go.
We must learn to take care of ourselves, say what we mean, mean what we say and not say it mean. Living one day at a time, focusing on ourselves, we become stronger in our beliefs and with compassion and understanding learn how to find the right direction for our lives.
Please keep coming back .
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 3rd of October 2010 09:03:47 AM
Thank you all so much for your kind and supportive words. Just wondering, when one chooses to detach and set personal boundaries, do you inform the A (great way to start a fight), or just do it?
Setting boundaries is a process and it takes a while to figure out what boundaries are appropriate and what action is appropriate if those boundaries are crossed. Boundaries aren't a tool to manipulate the alcoholic, but a way to protect ourselves. The way I see it, the best way is often to state the boundary in a calm, non-manipulative way when the situation arises. For instance, not, "You've been drinking again, you loser, and there's no way I'm going to the movies with you now!" (That's an exaggeration -- maybe.) But rather, "I don't feel safe going to the movies with someone who's been drinking, so I'm bowing out tonight" (or whatever wording suits). The A will then typically, in my experience, try to start a fight, but you don't have to attend every fight you're invited to. Then you use the boundary you've decided on for times when they try to start a fight, like taking yourself calmly to a coffee shop, or whatever.
Of course, the challenge is to stay calm and not to be manipulative. To my own surprise, I found not being manipulative or passive-aggressive was something I had very little experience at. I was the queen of saying things in a supposedly neutral fashion that actually had underlying poison in them. I am trying to learn that detaching means really letting go of their actions, not trying to conrol them in a more surreptitious fashion!
There is a lot of good thought about boundaries on these boards and I look forward to what others have to say.
You said: Still don't have the guts to confront her about her drinking. When she drinks she gets paranoid, confrontational and verbally nasty.
There is no need to "confront", but you don't need to walk on egg shells either. If you do tell her how you feel, only do so when she is sober. Trying to talk to someone when they are drunk is fruitless. My suggestion, use "I" when speaking. Using "you" is accusatory and will only result in her defending her addiction. When using "I", she can't argue how you feel. I see no reason to allow the disease to think everything acceptable.
She can also get very sexual. I've been going along because I don't want a confrontation before I'm ready for one. I don't feel good about myself on that score.
That's up to you, but it seems it is just another step in losing who you are and what YOU want. You have every right to say "no". For me, I felt it was a way of enabling the disease and giving in to it. I would guess that's why you don't feel good about it.
I want to tell her that I will not engage with her, argue with her or sleep with her when she's drinking. Nor will I buy alcohol for her. I love her but can't control her drinking and will take care of myself.
Why should she attempt to change anything? She's getting her way at this point. Only when we change do the circumstances change. Your statement is very reasonable, especially with children in the home. These are all things you can control for your well being , none of which make any demands on her. How she handles it is her issue.
Take care of you, Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am sure you have already heard from the nest of the best here but thought i would throw my 2 cents in on just one of the topics you brought up. The fact that your kids find drunk mommy funny and laugh at her. Growing up in my alcoholic home it is normal for little ones to find the drunks behavior funny, but in my household that laughing would happen only once then you better have a very good escape plan and be able to move faster than the drunk in order for it to not turn into a beating. I don't know how old your kids are but it maybe time to sit them down ( and I think there are books available now to help you with this) and explain that mommy is sick and that while her actions may seem funny they really are not. Hopefully you are going to alanon meetings and learning yourself how to deal with this disease because living with it makes us sick too especially the kids.. And would be good for them to have one healthy parent to take thier cues from. Blessings to you in your recovery
This is my story exactly. I haven't heard it so accurately in years however it is exactly what was going on until I reached the doors of Al-Anon for real. What is not here is that my alcoholic wife attempted AA and then asked me if I thought she was alcoholic. I was too afraid of the situation to think about and answer in reality. I said no and she went back to drinking. I also stopped drinking with her and then stopped drinking completely. So the turning point for me was complete insanity ending for me when I reached the doors of Al-Anon and the insanity continuing with her and her family of origin who decided to continue doing the same things over and over again expecting the problem to end...or our definition of insanity.
The change? I stopped participating in it especially those parts that went against my awareness and feelings. I had always diminished and discounted my awarenesses, values and feelings in order not to cause conflict with her or myself. I was also very conscious that I might be "wrong" and who in the heck would ever want to be that in an alcoholic relationship. I learned not to let her threats, reactions and blaming become "real" for me. I learned those were parts of the manipulations to keep me in line from this very cunning, powerful and baffling disease. My alcoholic wife needed me to be responsible at all times because she was physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually incapable of being that herself for herself. She was a compulsive participant of this disease. How sooo sad. If she didn't stop and change she would die completely and so will your spouse. You are able to stop participating and able also to come into the rooms of Al-Anon and learn what we have learned. You will be saving your own peace of mind and serenity and at the same time helping her to become solely responsible for her disease of alcholism.
Is it easy or simple...The program is simple though most of us humans having difficulty with change mess it up from time to time. That's okay and expected and it is in the continued learning and practice that the miracles arrive. One of those miracles has been and can be that your spouse will seek sobriety herself. There is no guarantee in that. The guarantee is that when you stop and start changing she will have to do something different and that is when the door can open to a power greater than the disease.
I've done what you have done and mentioned here. I've done it and felt it and thought it and said it just as you have. Want to try what I've done? First thing... call the Al-Anon hotline number in your area and get the meeting places and times for face to face meetings and go at your first chance. When there get and read as much literature as you can about alcoholism and alcoholism and the family and then find a chair all the way inside of the group and sit and listen to the exchanges. You can participate when asked or just pass. Listen to the invitation to "Keep coming back" and focus on the next meeting. They told me when I got here to do 90 meetings in 90 days (It's that big a disease with that many meetings where I got into recovery) so I did over 102 in that time and at the end of that invitation I just kept coming back. My life changed into the life I always wanted and I continue to go and use the program as suggested. Remember; if you loose you, you loose everything.
Listen to the first three steps which are summarized by the philosophy of "Trust God" and continue to come here. There is soooo much to learn and you are only starting and we are all in support of your recovery. (((((hugs)))))
Like Jerry I have been exactly where you are same story second verse.I remember the walking on eggshell days. I remember saying one word that she would take out of contex and make a mountain out of a mole hill. I remember hoping and praying she would go to sleep or pass out whichever came first. I remember all the roller coaster "emotional" rides. Your post brought back many bad memories of the days when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. It controled every aspect of my life. I've always considered myself a strong person mentally. I have faced many problems in my life but done came close to dealing with this disease 24/7......nothing.
What did I do at the point in my life when I absolutely didn't know which way to turn? I turned to Al-Anon and my life started changing. I could only go to two f2f meeetings each week (all that were available in my area), and I made those two meetings a priority. I wanted what the old timers in my meetings had. Some of them were in worse situations than myself but they had something I didn't have. They had peace and serenity something I certainly was void of. I accepted, believed, and put 100% into the Al-anon program. I learned to use the tools the program offered. I worked the steps. I made changes in "me", and my life got better. Now I have peace and serenity and I owe it all to this program. It saved my life.
This program works, and yes, you do have to work it.......but "it" is worth it. Like me your life will get better. If you don't like your life as it stands now you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I hope that is the choice you make. All it takes is courage.....the courage to change.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Sunday 3rd of October 2010 07:12:36 PM
Jerry and RLC, thank you so much for sharing your experiences. It makes me feel that I'm not alone in this. It's great to hear what worked for you. I plan on getting to a meeting sometime this week. I'm reading everything I can get my hands on.
I have up times and down times. But the up times make me feel better than I've felt in a long time. Like my life has a future with possibilities. I guess the 'One Day at a Time' saying is true.
Taking care of and protecting myself is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It's great to know that there is a caring community out there.
