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I've been thinking that I have always felt "less than" others my whole life. Many thing contributed to this: Of course dysfunctional home with alcoholism. A last name that prompted jeers my whole childhood, being kind of nerdy, soft and generally not "manly", and having some idiosyncrosies that even now make me feel "different."
Funny how despite coaching sports, fighting in Tae Kwondo classes and getting two masters degrees....didn't make me feel any better about myself. As of these later years, I have more confidence than at any point in my life.....but I still feel less than. My marriage contributes to that feeling, as does my financial woes.
I realize that all those things are "outside stuff"...that I need to work on "inside stuff" but there's still a voice that tells me I'm not good enough, that no one of quality would ever want me etc........I try to fight it but it's relentless. I can shut it up for a few days but it always comes back.....anyone able to defeat this?
Some of these things we cope with make me feel "less than" as well. I have those days too. However, when you really think about it...(and this might sound cocky)...I feel like I am a stronger person than many other people I know. I hear people at work (or sometimes friends) freaking out about something that would barely be a blip in my day. Because of our experiences, we understand priorities in life. We know what a "real problem" really is and we aren't caught up in the foolishness that many other people experience on a daily basis. For instance...I'll never forget when my friend called me up hysterical b/c her son had broken his thumb and she learned that it was broken in such a way that it might mend crooked. It was all I could do not to laugh out loud at her...I mean...a crooked thumb?! I would give my daughter a crooked thumb in an instant if she could be a typical kid. I know it might sound harsh...but I think people who are dealt a difficult card in life are actually smarter in many ways, they are also more resilient, accepting, patient, empathethic, and often have their priorities in the right place. I think we deserve to feel really good about ourselves because of that.
Hi and thank you for your post. :) I could definitely relate to this. I too grew up in dysfunction and somehow, somewhere I came to the mind set of I am what I do and I am what I have. I tore thru life with this frame of mind. For me, I think looking back that I was never taught to take care of myself, my inside self. I was always to busy taking care of everyone else when I was young. Feeling responsible and trying to make others feel better or solve problems that were without question beyond my scope of ability. How acoa of me lol........Heck two years ago I had never even heard that term. Heck two years ago I thought I was taking care of myself, of course not my inside self, I didnt even really understand what that meant. So yes, can sure relate and my understanding and awareness of how I got to be that way and all the distorted perceptions I have lived my entire life with are slowly changing. We cant change what we cant see, thank god for the program....:) blessings your way :)
I sure do relate to your post growing up in abuse, addictive and total dysfunction I ALWAYS felt "less than" And I was always reminded that I was "less than" I was never smart enough, pretty enough, I was to soft ( no crying allowed), I was lazy, I would never amount to anything. These are just some of the daily things my family felt the need to remind me of constantly. I school I was always the outsider...as I was never encouraged to make friends because they may find out about our family secrets I could never relate to my peers. So i was bullied and humiliated etc always felt "less than" As an adult i started people watching, people i worked with etc and started picking out characteristics in them that I wanted for myself. I started mimicing some of those qualities and pretty much re invented my persona. And I can tell you that worked for me for about 30 years ( I will remind you deep down i was still a dyfuctional person) until my world came crashing down on me in a big way ( won't bore you with details). Then I reverted right back to the abused,negleted "less than" child. Tried therapy, meds all that stuff nothing worked until............. I found alanon and surrended myself to HP with the prayer that I become the person I was meant to be....and while it is hard work and scary at times because I don't know what the end game looks like but I can tell you that so far my self esteem rises everday and i am growing everyday by listening to my HP and looking for the path i am meant to be on. And MJ my friend....if I can do this at my age you and anyone can do it. It is possible I am finding that I truly like the person that I am becoming and that brings me happiness. That is my experience...I hope it helps
Growing up with alcoholism, I always felt "different"; I knew my life wasn't like that of other kids, and I poured all my energy into putting on the Happy Family front. I was a horrid little liar, making up ridiculous stuff to camouflage the painful truth of reality.
My parents criticized me constantly, for everything big and small. I remember my father telling me that no man would ever want to marry me. Small wonder that I married at the age of 20 -- I desperately needed to prove him wrong! I can see how I stayed in unhealthy relationships, believing that I had better take what I could get, as no other man would want me. And they found a thousand other things to point out where I was lacking. Now of course I know that the continual put-downs were merely a symptom of their own disease, trying to prop themselves up by knocking me down.
Knowing that doesn't change anything, however; my feelings of low self-esteem are now too deeply entrenched. It still surprises me that I am well-liked and strangely "popular" now.
Walking into an Al-Anon meeting and finding instant acceptance helped a lot. I reveal my deepest and darkest thoughts in there, and the other members thank me for sharing and smile and hug me. I am also learning to practice intimacy in friendships -- slowly letting down my walls and letting trusted people see the "real" me.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I realize that all those things are "outside stuff"...that I need to work on "inside stuff" but there's still a voice that tells me I'm not good enough, that no one of quality would ever want me etc........I try to fight it but it's relentless. I can shut it up for a few days but it always comes back.....anyone able to defeat this?
Hi MJ It sounds to me as if you are getting clarity and are owning some very important aspects of your nature. You ask is there anyone who is able to defeat this?
My answer is YES !!!!!
BY Using The Steps 4 to 12 you will find that HP wil defeat this destructive belief andl replace this shortcoming and the others with a positive acceptance of yourself as a child of God with human dignity and assets.
How do you go from realizing to actually putting it into practice...
practice, practice practice, its a retraining of the brain actually, Yankees, you need to play a new record and erase all the negative thoughts you were taught and told as a child...
Practice to live in the now...
-- Edited by Bettina on Saturday 2nd of October 2010 08:27:48 PM
