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Had a setback tonight. Some of you may recall my previous posts. ABF had a meltdown about a month ago, got tasered by the cops. Ugly, ugly night.
Well, that experienced scared him, I think. He's been going to AA meetings twice a day, seeing a counselor and a doctor. I've been proud of him -- he got his 3 week chip on Tuesday.
At the same time, I've been working my own program. Still detaching. He's living in my home, but there's really no relationship to speak of. I no longer obsess about what he's doing, if he's going to stay sober, etc. I kind of got lulled into a false sense of security, since he's been doing so well.
Anyway, he relapsed tonight. He went to his 5:30 meeting, and was supposed to go to an 8:00 meeting. When he got home, I smelled beer on him, and he had that "glazed" look in his eyes. I asked him a couple of times if he'd been drinking. He said no. Then, I asked him a third or fourth time, and he admitted he'd been drinking. Six beers.
I do have to give myself a little credit, b/c I didn't freak out, didn't get that gut-wrenching panic that this was somehow my fault, didn't feel like my world was falling apart. But I did get angry. Angry b/c I cannot understand the mind of an A, how anyone can risk losing everything just for a few drinks.
The worst part is, I told him how angry I was. I wasn't trying to shame him, but I told him how I felt. He had no response, and I guess there was no response that would have helped. Luckily, after about ten minutes of snapping at him, I zipped it. What was the point? Bottom line is, I cannot control what he does. And I know that. I just couldn't stop myself from kind of going off on him.
At this point, I can take him or leave him. I told him tonight that I know relapses happen, but that I will not live that way anymore -- I will not go back to how things were when he was drinking all the time. I told him that maybe I'm supposed to be all supportive and rah-rah, but that I won't do that. I'm done being supportive. I need to look out for me and my daughter.
So yes, I messed up. I'm not sure exactly how I should have reacted, but I think my reaction was wrong. Should not have wasted my breath. Should not have made it about him. Should probably have stepped away from the situation and evaluated my feelings about it.
Anyway, I'm sure I deserve a bunch of 2x4's, but I just wanted to share this with you all. At least I recognize that I handled this wrong. I must be making progress, though, b/c a few months ago, this would have devastated me. At the moment, I'm not devastated at all. Just upset with myself that I allowed HIS choices to derail my own recovery, even if only for a few minutes. I do not want to get stuck in that downward spiral again.
Aloha AG...this isn't about moral issue...right or wrong...it's about learning a new way of living and you are learning...you can see that how you responded wasn't the better that you could do so NO 2X4s!! Put down the bat or the belt or the whatever and tell yourself "I forgive you and that was a nice try, you'll do better later on." Recover is about progress not perfection. Go tell him you're sorry for yelling at him and move on. Keep it simple and short. You and he are dealing with a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions that is cunning, powerful and baffling and leads to insanity and/or death.
Alcoholic people have the compulsion to drink...if they don't drink they get trounced by the obsession and often the withdrawals are physically along with mentally painful.
Try thinking about something you have an addiction to and how difficult it is to stay away from it and keep it out of your life style.
Thanks, Jerry. You're right. I am a smoker. I've tried to quit many, many times. I find it pretty much impossible, and I always have an excuse (it's not a good time, life is too stressful right now, etc.). I do really think he's committed to being sober, and I do realize that slips happen. I think I've just gone into overdrive focusing on my own self, my own boundaries, etc. I have compassion for what he's going through, but that didn't come out tonight.
I will apologize to him tomorrow. I feel badly for not only berating him when he was already probably beating himself up, but for putting myself back in that same old controlling pattern that I thought I was beating.
Deep breaths for me. Tomorrow is a new day. I guess he and I will both set ourselves back to day one of recovery.
Tough night for sure, but it doesn't sound to me like you "messed up" much at all, if any...... I'd also be wary about apologizing to an active A when he is in such a fragile state..... he might hear your apology as "I really will stay with you regardless", which, of course, was not your intended point....
My thoughts - you are only "messing up" if you keep on badgering him over what happened tonight..... If he is serious about his recovery, he'll jump right back into his program..... Same thing goes for you - dive back into your recovery.... You're doing great
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
well welcome to the human race Hon! I can't even tell you while working my program how many times I have "slipped" it's not just the A's who can slip we can too. But good for you for catching yourself pretty quickly and getting back on track You ask why does the A put everything family, home, job ect in jeparody. Because it is a disease, a complusion. No rational person would put everything in jeparody for a drink but you are trying to rationalize with an irrational disease. Even if you asked your bf he wouldn't be able to answer you because he likely doesn't know. It is the one disease that controls the person's mind, body and soul. While you may feel let down on a personal level try and remember his actions are not meant to hurt you personally he is actually hurting himself. Thise around the A are collateral damage. It took me a long time to learn that my A's actions had nothing to do with me. He wants a normal life but the disease keeps dragging him back. Blessings
Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. I had a similar experience a couple of days ago when ah was drunk at 7 am. I didn't say anyhting but I was angry and disappointed. I must have been giving off those vibes because he asked what was the matter with me?!?!!? They slip, we slip, it happens. Just pick yourself up and carry on. And look at it as a learning experience. Of course I didn't feel like that at the time, but it's easy for me to say this now after the ESH I got from the folks here :)
I don't think any kind of reaction is "wrong". I know when I work a program I get to have more choices. Working a program around an active or newly sober alcoholic is a steep undertaking. No one here is going to lambast you for reacting. For me I have to physically detach before I can mentally detach. If I feel myself getting riled up I have to do something physically (not hit them) and take a moment or two to evaluate my options. No person gets "detachment' immediately. We come into this program with 300 lb weights to lift and we have to start at 5 lbs so of course our life is going to be difficult.
I have had the same thing happen. When he slipped, I did too. But I have learned that I can approach him the next day and tell him how I felt when he was drinking/using and only do it when he is sober and not when he has been drinking. You live and learn and move on. Don't beat yourself up. Addiction is crazy... Try to keep your serenity with you.
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
