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How do you handle passive aggressive people? As I am an adult child of an alcoholic family, I don't always have the tools I need to handle difficult situations. I was working on a project for a sister in law and now I'm just waiting for the punishment as it always comes. This is the first time it's happened to me though. She asked me to work on a photo album for her and gave me a month to do it, but then started pressuring me at week 2 to send the finished project. I messaged her and told her why I couldn't send it right then and that I would be able to complete it in 2 more weeks as we agreed. And I told her I have the photos saved on my computer but couldn't print as I have no ink. That was the only thing holding me up. I've spent hundreds of dollars on this project. I had to purchase a camera, memory card, album, printer just to start the project in the first place. Oh did I mention I had to drive all over the place just to take these photos for the album at my time and expense; it's something I did as a free gift to her. When I asked her for her advice on what to do, she wouldn't respond until I abruptly confonted her by defriending her. Then she suddenly had alot to say. So I told her why I was mad (at her lack of response). And she said well I didn't say an unkind word to you. And at no point did she ever say don't worry about it, don't stress, it's ok send whatever you have, email me the stuff and I'll print it out, ok take the full month to complete it, nothing...and now i feel like the bad guy. She has severed ties with me now over this and I will not be allowed to talk to my brother and the kids over this for several years. I can't take the stress. Sorry I just had to get it off my chest. And no she is not an A but has a troubled upbringing.
( It's something I did as a free gift for her ) I would ask yourself why did you agree to do this when u didnt have the equipment or the extra money to do the project - the time and money was a choice u made . I would finish the album send it to her and let it go . . We teach people how to treat us was a hard lesson for me . Learning that the word NO could be a complete sentence was also difficult for me , I did what u did for yrs anything anyone wanted I agreed to then got angry because it took so long or cost to much . so no one to blame but me .
Hi and thank you for your post :) The first thought I had while reading your post was how come you offered to do this for her, when it involved expenses that you didnt have? I am acoa as well and I think alot goes along with that ie...doing things we dont want to do to be nice, thinking its going to make someone like us more, taking on responsiblity that isnt ours omg the list goes on lol...maybe it was the people pleaser kicking in :) and now you feel pressured, unappreciated and resentful, totally get it. And on another note :) you knew you were dealing with someone who you recognized as not emotionally stable. We sure dont have to be A's to fall into that catagory lol...I guess I would look at the reasons you offered to take on such a project in the first place, as most likely this drips over into other areas of our lives with other people and relationships as well. I can only suggest to really think about future requests from people when asked or when Im thinking about offering. I mean really think it thru, look at my motives and ask myself do I really want to do this. I dont have to give an answer right away either which in the past I have felt the need to give an answer right away and not thinking things thru. Perhaps, "let me think about that, and ill get back to you", then really think about it. thanks and glad your here :)
I am the WORST at being passive aggressive. I am horrible at speaking my mind when it comes to disagreeing with another, expressing my anger, or stating my needs. As a child none of this was allowed and was met with physical violence. Overcoming that is SOOOO hard.
The only person I feel comfortable doing it with is my daughter as I feel safe with her, obviously. We don't yell or fight, but if there is something on my mind I say it with no fear and she listens and has the opportunity to discuss how she feels as well. Kind of nice! My exA inflamed this in me as he was not safe to go to, so it set me back a bit on my work to overcome it.
A book I got that was good was "Overcoming Passive-Aggression" by Tim Murphy, PhD and Loriann Hoff Oberlin. I purchased it from Amazon.
Good luck. I know it can be frustrating as I see the same behavior in others and it irks me . . . but then I have to laugh because I am the biggest perpetrator of all!
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Before coming to this program I also felt the need to people please and offer to do things that in the back of my mind knew would take up so much of my time and resourses. Then i would have i guess you would call Volunteer's remorse UGH! Now I have the tools before volunteering my services, money or whatever to take a step back and think through what is best for me before making a decision. You really can't be resentful or angry for something you promised to do that ended up using more of your resources or spending money you didn't really have to do it. Your SIL didn't have that information unless you told her and if you did tell her I would guess any reasonable person would have backed off the request. So it really a double edged sword for you right now. I would finish the project and send it to her and i would guess at that time she will be appreciative. If she is not then thats her problem to own. As far as you now not going to be able to see or talk with your brother now for years. You can't really blame her for that either. Your brother is an adult capable of making his own decisions and if he can't stand up to his wife to see you then thats his choice. I will tell you my brother and sister both married spouses that i despised for various reasons. We did not get along period, could barely stand to be in the same room with each other. And if they had listened to thier spouses then i would not have seen or talked to them for years. But they stood up to thier spouses and my siblings, thier children and I enjoyed many happy moments together without thier spouses present. In fact My brother actually came by on a daily basis to visit before going home for the night. So if your brother can't stand up to his wife, that is his problem to own even though it causes you pain. I am guessing some of these respnses were not what you were looking for. But in the end you have to own your own actions. I always try to look at bad things that happen as a learning lesson for me. So while you may not like what is being said here think about the lesson that is in it for you. Maybe like me to take a step back when asked for something and look at how it will affect me, am I willing to do it without expectations etc before giving an answer. Sometimes we think we have to give an answer right on the spot but you don't you can say....let me think about that and I will get back to you. Blessings
Years earlier I made a similar album for my twin sister but at that time I had the equipment or borrowed it. This time I had one mishap after the other with the borrowed equipment and that is why I ended up buying my own equipment. And when things were not going well, I feel like I was disregarded by her silence. I was definitely trying to people please. And I'm annoyed at myself for not being able to let go of the anger. I do feel pressured, unappreciated and resentful- all of this over a photo album. But why did I let this one thing consume me?
I know you guys are right in your replies and of course it's not what I want to hear in the moment of anger, but it's the truth. My biggest problem is not thinking things through, I get overwhelmed, and then I blow up. I've got alot to think about now. I really need to get to some f2f meetings.
Thanks for posting this; this has really made me think about how I get into similar situations and then have trouble getting out of them. I also have that feeling of anger about how in heck to resolve something that's way more demanding of me than it should be. So I'm sorry you're going through this, but glad you came and brought it up here -- it's helped me a lot to think these things through.
I am learning how to say no. Its hard to do. If someone asks me if I want to do something, or if I can do something or if I want to go to such and such party/event etc. I found out that I can say "I will think about it, and get back to you" or I can just say "I am not sure if I can, I will let you know". I am trying to do that. I can't say I do it every time, but if my dad asks me if I want to come by their house, where my step mom likes to talk bad to me, I now say "I am not sure at this point, I will let you know". Its ok to say no. I know thats hard to hear, because I had a hard time too. I thought I had to be nice to everyone and give give give. I never got anything back, not to my liking anyway. I am struggling with this with my business partner. She wants stuff her way and I don't have the voice yet to tell her what I want. I try to tell her, but she over rides me and I end up giving in and letting her get her way just to avoid her getting mad. Fun. Take care of you!
Thanks for the helpful phrases...I'm going to write these down and start using them. Maize I find myself getting stressed at work too and not speaking up for myself. I think I"ll work on some phrases for work-related stress that keeps coming up week after week that could help me remain calm, focused, and take responsibility for the way I handle things. And Mattie thanks for making me feel like my post actually helped someone else. Even posting this made me second guess myself...ha! I'm going to a f2f meeting Saturday a.m. with a friend. Let the work begin...
Blessings--Me :)
Tricia just ordered that book you suggested from Amazon...thanks.
-- Edited by nh girl on Saturday 2nd of October 2010 12:03:39 AM
