The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was talking to a friend about another person, a man. I said, "I think he needs a woman to who needs to be taken care of. I am a strong, independent woman and I think that scares him."
His response, "Yes, some men need women who need to be taken care of."
I said, "I'm all for being taken care of, but I will never stop taking care of myself."
That has rattled around in my head all day. I have been put down my entire adult life for being too strong willed, too driven, too independent. I scare and intimidate both men and women. I have spent years trying to figure out how not to do that. I am not mean or aggressive - I am just a confident, hard working person. I believe (might be wrong) that I am gentle and kind and wouldn't get in a confrontation to save my life. Not to say that when I finally get mad it is pretty . . . but if you said "boo" in my direction I would probably jump out of my shoes! But I still scare people. I don't get it.
And I think that is part of my problem. I have been trying to figure out how to change so other people will like me. DUH!
Time to stop that!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for letting me share.
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I believe I understand exactly what you are saying. Your confidence, and independence speak volumes,Your body language and the vibes you give off are powerful These are assets and should be on your gratitude list.
I know when I did the 7th step I realized why we"Humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings". If it had been up to me, I would have removed all my assets as I believed they were causing me problems and needed change.
Being willing to take care of yourself in a relationship and to do your part is very healthy. Knowing how to share, trust, and having the courage to give and take in a relationship is a gift that alanon and alanon meetings reinforced for me. How to be INTERDEPENDENT is the answer and that is what I hear you are looking for.
Keep on showing up for yourself and remember we are powerless over others
Your post defintily touched a nerve with me. As a child i was the underdog...abused, bullied etc When i became an adult somewhere along the line I decided to change my persona from shy, insecure ect and turned into the exact opposite. It was hard at first cause i didn't know what a strong, confident person looked like. So I people watched and i took on traits of different people i wanted to mimic. And thats what i did was mimic other peoples triats that I wanted for myself. became strong, confident and definitly was proud if i could intimidate someone. That worked for me for most of my life but in the back of my mind always worried someone was going to stand up and call me a fraud. Due to a series of events which I wont bore you with, I reverted right back to my childhood persona. Fearful, obbesive, hyper vigilante, shy or intraverted to the point i couldnt even look anyone in the eye. I honestly had a total melt down I hit the doors of alanon and started having to really look inside me and pray to HP for guidance to become the person I was meant to be. It's a really scary at times journey for me becasue in the end I am not at the point who i am supposed to be so the journey is on going. But I do know I don't want to go back to the person that I was, not that i don't have good qualities ( I do ) and those I need to hold on to but now i need to learn healthy productive quailites, listen to what HP wants me to be. Definitly a gentler, kinder person I know that and I work on that daily. But not sure what else is in store for me. Okay that was my 2 cents lol Not sure if any of made sense to you, i hope it did Blessings
This is quite interesting. I seem to be on the opposite end, being shy, hypervigilant, quiet, and allowing others to have their way so they don't get upset. I give in all the time so everyone else is happy. Hmmm... Good food for thought. Thanks
Hotrod - Interdependence - you nailed it! That's all I want in my relationships.
Xeno, totally get it. Before the A relationship I was outgoing, happy, no drama - then I moved to insecure, loaded to the brim with unnecessary guilt, and walking on eggshells. Has taken me a couple of years to get back to where I was and now I hopefully get to improve upon that!
Maize - yep that is me too! I wouldn't say shy, I can talk to anyone, but I give nothing away and let no one in. I too let others have their way to avoid conflict. It is a manifestation of my childhood and I am working on it. But that is the thing . . . intimidated by ME? Don't get it.
The point of my post and the thoughts I was having are that I was actually trying to figure out how to become less . . . how to become more dependent . . . how to shrink to fit my life to others. If that is what it took to stay in a relationship. I actually said to myself "Maybe I am not giving them the opportunity to do more." But then it occurred to me . . . I am supposed to depend on someone and give more of MY responsibilities to someone who can barely take care of themselves and HOPE that they don't flub the whole thing up? Not likely. Nope. Not going to happen.
Hotrod is right. These traits are assets and I need to be proud of them not bury them because someone else can't keep up! I am going to learn to treasure them and anyone who is intimidated . . . well that is none of my business now is it.
I like this train of thought going into a really fun packed weekend. My health is all better, closing on my house, and LOTS of fun fall activities. Life couldn't be better! Why slow down?
Happy Friday to my MIP family!
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
