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I need some advice the Al-Anon way. I just started going to Al anon meetings last Thursday so today was my second meeting. Today it dealt with step nine. I will also be purchasing a book called "Courage to Change". Now I can only assume when they finish the 12 steps they will go back to step one and so on, so then I will be caught up but how do I deal with my A husband until then?.
We bought a house in July. This house needs a bit of renovating. My husband asks me for ideas constantly and so I give him my opinion, but if it doesn't line up with what he wants, he gets angry, very angry, I don't know why he even bothers asking me since my opinions don't always line up with his? My usual response would be to justify my answers when he would start to yell, I would try to raise my voice over his to be heard. That never worked, it became a war of loud words. So in most cases after the yelling subsided I would come into agreement with him just to avoid further fighting. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to do it the Al-Anon way, but I haven't been going to meetings long enough to know how to respond? He asked me about the kitchen cupboards yesterday. I don't agree with what he wants to do, but I'm scared to give my opinion to avoid a outburst coming from him. I told him that I don't know and he walked away. Let me ask a general question, if you were in a similar situation, and you had been going to Al-anon meetings for quite some time, how would you respond peacefully to avoid confrontation and outburst and still come to some amicable middle ground?
Not every argument and disagreement is due to drinking. This sounds like it could happen even if there were no drinking problems. Are you saying he doesnt argue when he is sober?? That he takes issue with everything when he is drinking.?
One thing they say in Alanon is to never argue with the alcoholic when he is drunk. You can say "You may be right" because in the morning he may not even remember the conversation.
Are you a new member of Alanon? Do you have the literature from the Alanon meetings, this is most helpful. Keep coming back and post and share your thoughts and we will share our experience.
Your post made me smile - good ole days , all I can suggest is that you continue to give your opinion and share what you would like to see done in your home , loosing his temper is his problem you don't have to play the stupid game, make your suggestions when asked and if he starts to rant , remind him that he did ask *nicely* and let it go . Walk away. I am assuming like most alcoholics he is a perfectionist , he will do a great job anyway so really How Important Is It ?I try and ask myself is this worth ruining agood day? most days its not some days it is hehe . On the other hand this is your home too so u have a right to an opinion ,dont worry about rocking the boat if he is in the mood he will find something else to argue about anyway And yes your group will start the steps over again were never really done with them . Your post is the reason my husb and I always hire someone to do renos , we cant hang a border together without wanting to paste one of us to the wall .. and we both know it .
-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 30th of September 2010 09:27:29 PM
Might want to go after what's really bothering him; like feelings of fear and resentments against stuff. That might be an invitation to hear blame and judgements and putdowns and I don't think the problem is the house or the kitchen cabinets or the like.
We talked about body language giving us away a few posts ago and body language speaks volumes more than verbal language. See if your body is saying what your mouth is saying or vise-versa. If your body is saying you are afraid or anxious or depressed say it with an "I" statement and be honest about not liking the situation and how it comes out for you. Than support him in responding. If it still comes back the same way it always has...I say..."We should take this up later on. We have the time." Give him a hug or a pat on the butt and move on to something you want to do for you.
I had to learn how to do all of that. At first it was scarey and hard (all new stuff is), then it was easier and I had to watch myself so that I didn't take it for granted and then after adding, respect and compassion and under- standing of and for the other person it became how life is. It's not only her or me..."this is a we thing."
(( dori )) You have to decide what u really want... do u really not want to do this anymore (give in to avoid the conflict and continue to feel badly) -or- are u afraid of getting him upset? I too was very afraid of angering my exAH -but- u know what? they are always mad about something -like abbyal sd- he will pick a fight if he wants to. There are more ways to not fight, then to just give in and say you're right (I cant do this, if I dont agree, I wont but) - u can agree to disagreee. You can both agree to choose to not argue about it -talk about anything else- but that thing. You can say, let me think about it and consider what ur saying (and do or dont think about it).
My bf and I just spent an entire year remodelling the house we live in. Um, yes we did get to world war III in the end- he broke or said the project was breaking him, so we stopped, finished up where we were and I was willing to let it all go for now. There is no race or rush for anymore work then the what we have done already. (we still need to do the dining room and bathroom and tons of other misc projects but we got the bulk of what we set out to accomplished). We have fought about everything under the sun- bc yeah, most fights arent even what they are about - u get hung up in an ego trip and you fight. Letting it go, beiing willing not fight, to walk away, to let things cool off - to feel thru my feelings before I just get up and automatically react -- all of that has helped me to negotiate and get along better. We also established a way of fighting early on in our relationship, as Ive been in program the whole time he has known me. We would sit and talk, objevtively - be willing to step back from our relationship - and protect our friendship. I have always put our friendship before our sexual relationship. If for any reason things happened and either one of us had to move on, it is important to us both that we are friends. This has enalbed to us to grow with each other, so much more than I have with anyone else, already.
Only you can stand up for you. Only you can know what you value and cherish and what you dont. If it isnt worth fighting for, by all means, dont. All fighting does is feed the disease. Belive me, I understand not being able to tolerate something stupid - like if a shelf needs a third bracket and its dipping in the midlle, um ya it needs a third bracket lol. I want things done right and it bothers me when they arent. But I am the kind of person (Im handy, crafty and layed lots of stone in my day) will research something until I feel confident in executing it and then execute it myself. Not plumbing or electrical, but Im not afraid of tackling practically anything else on my own - if I want to.
Ive learned in program thru working it - today I can have a confrontation without getting emotionally upset - I can be calm, rational and still diplomatic. People dont have to agree and every point does not have to be driven home. Walking away gives one a lot of power, try it sometime. I used to tell me exAH - "whatver you say" bc I thought he was bananas, he thought I was agreeing -but I never was. Healing from my acoa issues and loving myself and healing my broken heart from him and the past - thats all another story but I did it and continue to free myself with HP, forgivenss, being the best me I can, loving deatchment from everything and everyone else, living in NOW one moment at a time.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thanks, I will take all your replies into consideration. It would be nice if we could build this dream house together. Bettina my husband is a happy drunk around others. It's the next morning when he isn't drinking that he has a problem with. Most of the arguments happen when he is supposedly sober in between the drinking. Yes, you are right they could happen at any time sober or drunk. Yes I am a new member of Al-Anon and have a lot to learn.
Thanks kitty, is that your pups? cute. Thanks for the advice, sounds like there is hope.
I don't know, maybe I'm giving in because I'm tired and just don't care anymore. I don't push him to do anything. I'm keeping quiet about his drinking, I try to work everything out peacefully. I don't know what to do. abbyal, losing his temper is his problem, I can't and don't want to blame myself anymore. I don't want to continue to take responsibility for his actions and have him blame me for it. I want so bad for him to communicate with me, but he has a problem with communication lately so we can't sit down and talk it over and agree to disagree. I can't even explain what I'm feeling right now.
You are doing great sharing here. Trying to convey what we feel to the A, is another story. They dont deal with their own feelings, they sure cannot relate to ours. Keep sharing with other alanons, we are the appropriate people to share with, we know how you feel. Take it easy and be kind and gentle with you.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Ok, so now have a better handle on what you were saying in your post.
What your feeling are the affects of another's drinking. Your starting to recognize or cant quite put your finger on it. It catches us off guard. We get thrown off balance because they are always manipulating and trying to unload the disease on our shoulders. or start a conflict that will fuel some more drinking.
Dori, you need to arm yourself with the tools of Alanon. There is so much information at your fingertips, thats why I asked you about the Alanon literature. Just one or two pamphlets helped me enormously. I hung onto them, they were never far from my grip, reading them over and over.
There's a saying "One Day at a Time" , dont dissapear, please keep coming back.
Thank you. Yes, I was given a pack of pamplets. I've only read through half of them and had to put them away to deal with other issues, but will finish reading them. Thanks for the support. I'm sorry for venting, I feel bad that I am.
I'm just throwing this out there cuz it works for me.
I use a little psychology sometimes when these things come up. Instead of offering my opinion I say "Do you think _____ would work?" or " What do you think about ____?"
Then somehow it's his idea
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
It appears that he is looking for you to validate his decisions and not truly looking for honest input. I learned from alanon Business Meetings how to take the risk and offer my opinion and then validate my choice. Others may not agree and they will state their opinion ( like your hubby .
To reach a decision we can then say This is important to the sanity of the group or our family so I will agree with whatever makes the most sense. It is important to share ideas and not scream at each other.
Remember alanon suggest that we talk things over, reason things out. Do not react to his screaming. Just try to listen to his opinion and then respond to his opinion and try not to react and try to force your ideas.
It takes time to learn how to negotiate but just keep showing up and trying to respond
When my exhusband would try to pick a fight with me (he wasn't an alcoholic, just abusive) I would always rise to the occasion. The thing I have learned to do now with him (since we have to co-parent and have to sort of get along) is if he is trying to get a rise out of me, I tell him he cannot talk to me like that and I walk away. You can be neutral and remember you don't have to be at every argument you are invited to. Calmly walking away from someone who is trying to argue with you is one of the best things I am learning to do.
