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Hi everyone!! Just wondering about how I would set boundaries and also practice detachment. I have been thinking about a possible boundary to set: I don't want you drinking in my house when my kids are awake. (this is actually what caused me to wake up to his problem, he started staying here full time 2 months ago because he is renovating his house and can't live there.)
Is that a good boundary to try? Cause he has no where else to go really but I don't like him drunk. Also, is that detaching from his problems cause I am still trying to tell him what to do? He will start drinking as soon as he gets home from work and has a beer in his hand for the next four hours.... although he is getting them out of his truck and throwing the empties away in the dumpster outside so I can't count them, haha. But I can tell (duh) he is getting drunk. =(
Obviously new to all this and trying to figure out these concepts!!
I believe you can set boundaries because they are to help you. The detaching is not getting upset or obsessing if you know he is out drinking or is drinking at all. Its strange the peace I have now with my abf, he may slip and drink and I don't feel crazy anymore. Thats detaching. I still love him, but I can't sit around obsessing all the time anymore. I slip too though so sometimes I still obsess or check on things or him.... Boundaries are what you said, letting him know it isn't ok to drink here when the kids are here. One slogan I remember was "Say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean" Like with your kids, if you tell them a rule and then give in to them when they break the rule, they will keep trying to do it again and again. I am still learning all of this, so I hope someone with more time here has more to say... take care of you!
One of the keys to setting boundaries - is there really needs to be clear and concise guidelines, c/w consequences of failure to abide by these boundaries.... Your boundary needs to be for you (i.e. your needs), and shouldn't be to just try to simply "control" your A....
The boundary you have suggested is absolutely fine, but please don't set it, if you're not prepared to have stated consequences and are willing to follow through on these consequences....
Many (most?) active A's are looking to do the least amount possible, to continue in their addiction.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I learned like Tom learned...When I set a boundary I take the loop holes out of it. I align a boundary with a value system. There is no drinking of alcohol on my property by anyone at anytime...no loop holes. Taking the loop holes out is mostly for me because if I allow them I'm also giving myself an excuse not to enforce them if someone "just accidentally", kinda, sorta just this one time, decides to pop a top.
I (we) don't set boundaries that are not enforceable or have to be enforced with force (threats, anxiety, face downs, finger pointing and that stuff). Boundaries are about the conditions we wish to live with on our property. They are also about our value systems which we take where ever we go.
The most simpliest slogan that helps me to practice detachment is "Live and Let Live". How you choose to live your life is none of my business. I've got one of my own to take care of. The life I have is God's gift to me. What I do with it is my gift to God.
(((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 30th of September 2010 05:52:11 PM
This question all depends on you - it depends on what u really want from the relationship. Loving detachment and boundaries work when you implement bouondaries that you can enforce - see the boundaries have to be for you - and about you, so it will be something you can follow through with the conesquences on and stand up for you. We cannot control another adult's behavior. So, to answer this question - "I don't want you drinking in my house when my kids are awake. (this is actually what caused me to wake up to his problem, he started staying here full time 2 months ago because he is renovating his house and can't live there.)"-okmom - is that a good boundary to set, the answer is only if you are willing to carry out the consequences. Use the 6 guidelines to set the boundary firmly to be sure u are willing to carry out the consequence. Listopis
6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES
HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
SET THEM CLEARLY.
COMMUNICATE THEM THEMCLEARLY.
ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).
Boundaries are to protect you. Not to control someone else. No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on. The boundaries are for you.
So, you have to decide how far you are willing to go - if you cant go all the way (say this ends the relationship, can u live with that consequence). Think how you could enforce this no drinking while ur kids are awake. And does this mean, he can get up and drink early in the morning before they wake up? The A will look for loop holes to sabatoge this change. They dont like change, they want the status quo so they can continue to do what they do. If he drinks on your premises, are u willing to ask him to leave next time he drinks, and so if he doesnt go ? then what? Are u going to be willing to call the police to have him escored off of the premises? Are u willing to go get a restraining order? change ur phone number?
Empty threats dont work. Did I see on the other thread, u were asking him to say and apologizing to him? You have to figure out what you want. If you say u have this boundary and then dont do anything to carry it out - it is just an empty threat and then it will get worse, u will be tolerating worse before u know it.
I'd slow down a lil bit since u are so green here. Set a boundary that u can enforce, one that is easily in your control. Then u will have the opportunity to experience and practise loving detachment, as you detach from his reactions, issues, feelings, attitudes, whims -and- focus on YOU and your issues, reactions, feelings etc. You are the only one in this equation u can control. I wouldn't like him outside drinking either. So then what, he drives off and wrecks, he could get hurt or much worse he could hurt someone else. If I wanted him gone and he was out there drinking, keeping his beer in his truck - I would call the cops and say he is out there - drinking in the truck. Anyway I have never hesitated to call on the police, that is something my mom taught me early on -but- that depends on what u want and what ur willing to tolerate or not.
Worrying about his drinking is not detaching and yes u are enabling the disease for you and him when u do that. However, u have every right not to be in this relationship, if that is what you want. Take your time figuring out what to do. Set yourself up for success by ensuring you can follow through ~ for YOU.
I've got more info on detachment and can email it to you or anyone else interested (please PM private message me with that info, if you want it). The way to have detachment only comes by practising it. The bouondaries are for YOU, not others. You can of course have house rules -and u do have other options/choices. It works when we work it, that means getting a sponsor, working the steps with them, they would be helping u establish boundaries as well. If u cant get to enough meetings, please join our chat group -we host two mtgs daily & offer support. TC
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
