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Have been away for just 2 nights, staying with an old friend. Had a lovely time catching up on all our news.
I decided it was OK to go away and leave son with his AH because AH was so much better - he had been in hospital, had very nearly died but seemed to be much improved and not drinking (much!).
They were ok for a couple of days but I have returned this evening to an obviously worse for wear AH and upset son. Son told me he had seen a bottle of brandy in AH's room. I despair. I can't even muster up some anger - numb is probably what I feel. AH has had the medical help; he has had his family's support so the desicion to resume drinking is purely his choice.
That is what hurts the most - that he chooses alcohol over me and the family.
ah tatty I remember feeling the same when husb relapsed along time ago , this is a disease cunning baffling and powerful ,nothing about it makes sence .. my husb relapsed and had no support he was 8 months dry and t was worse than the drinking he left our home so he could drink again couldnt do it in front of us was too ashamed .. 9 months on his own and he was near death decided to try living sober instead that was 20 yrs ago this month .. this isnt about him not loving you or your son its disease and it is running his life at the moment , you and he are truly powerless without help he will likely continue to slip and slide , until my husb went to AA and got thesupport he needed from people who understood his struggle he just could not quit . don't give up there is always hope .. Louise
(((((Tatty)))))...It's the alcoholism that chooses alcohol over everything else. Because of the compulsion and obsession that is the way it goes. I can tell you that when I finally accepted that it was a disease and my alcoholic wife wasn't drinking just to get at me and make me sad and angry I stopped taking it personally. She was sick, very sick and so was I and that is when Al-Anon became a very large part of my life and I started to heal. It wasn't all about me and I was relieved and could detach from it all.
I am glad you went away and had some time for yourself. It is true, this disease is cunning and powerful and has nothing to do with sanity.
I know I tried hard to accept that this is a disease but it was so hard not to feel hurt and angry when the relapse happened . I know in my inner most being I held such hope for recovery and each relapse felt like a death sentence.
Please keep coming back, praying and living one day at a time
Praying for you, your son and husband
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 29th of September 2010 06:45:10 PM
Its not that he chooses alcohol over you. The bottle is everything to him.
Its his lover, his friend, his boss, the voice inside his head that tells him, take another drink, because I want your life. Its a compulsion we sober people will never, never understand.
I see it, I will never understand it, but I see it. You have to see it. Really see it.
Take yourself out of the equation! We count for nothing when alcohol is in control.
Keep up your program, dont ever give it up. It works.
Truly accepting that the alcoholic drinks because of a disease circuit system in their brains is hard to do. We are so quick to see it as a sign of their love for us, when it is a sign of the grip of the disease. I know you know this - but it hurts like heck anyway.
I'm sorry he relapsed, but it doesn't mean that you have to as well. When this happened in my relationship with my AH, this was a good time for me to practice detachment with love. Sometimes it helped to say to myself - this man is really sick - he has a fatal condition - how can I be the best I can be under these circumstances. It's not condoning his behavior - just managing my own.
It's so hard. Logically, why would a person keep drinking when they have already had bad consequences and know that the consequences are likely to continue?
It's this thought that helps me to understand that there's nothing logical about alcoholism. Asking why, or assuming that the alcoholic is capable of logical or sane choices just keep us sick.
He didn't choose alcohol over you. He's sick, the same way someone with cancer is sick. If the person with cancer gets sick, we don't think that they chose to get sick over us. We can understand that they didn't have control over it. For me, trying to think this way when dealing with the alcoholic has allowed me to have compassion.
The fact that he relapsed has nothing to do with you or anything you did or didn't do. There was nothing you could have done differently that would have prevented or changed the reality.
I'm sorry that your husband is sick. I hope that you will continue to come here, and go to some f2f meetings for your own sanity and health.
The A will always choose thier addiction over and above everything and everyone. As hurtful as that is to come to terms with it is how this diease protects itself. I know my son has OD'd to the point they feared brain damage and did a brain scan the whole thing. We brought him home and as soon as he was clear enough to speak and walk around he was out the door looking to get that next high. Despite my tears, begging, yelling, screaming etc. He needed to feed his disease pure and simple I am truly sorry you and your son are experiencing this but the more i have learned about this disease I have learned not to take it personally. I know my son loves his family as much as his disease will allow and until he seeks recovery i have to be content with that. When sober my son is an amazing young man who can charm anyone, he's intelligent, loving, artisic, talented...i could go on. But his disease has taken most of that away from him, makes him feel unworthy, unloved, unproductive etc so he drowns himself and escapes into his addiction A cunning a baffling disease..... truer words have never been spoken Blessings
I'm really sorry you're going through this. My AH recently relapsed after 9 months of sobriety. He, too, had all the support and resources he needed - and then some. It doesn't make any sense - nothing about this disease does.
But, just as some of the others have said, it's not about you and the family. As Jerry F said - it's an obsession that will always come first. That's just how it goes. It's not right, it's not fair, but it's the nature of the disease.
Thank you everyone. Somehow you always manage to understand how I am feeling. I keep hoping my AH will change but, as someone said to me, "it's not the hope, it's expecations that do the damage"
