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Whew, I need help detaching from my 18 year old daughter. She has chosen to leave and move in with her boyfriend and his family. She left with a lot of hurt and anger amongst everyone. I realize it is her life and she has every right to live it how she sees fit but I don't think it's fair for her to expect us to cover her bills. I ended up shutting off the cell phone that we pay for and am trying to get her off our auto policy. Apparently she has no money and her new cell is now shut off, she has financial difficulties at school but HEY according to her life is great! She claims she is living on her own and paying her own way and never been happier.
I don't think living with your bfs parents is living on your own. She pays no rent or utilites there. ?? Anyhow she has been dating this guy for a year, she was pretty straight laced until she started hanging around with him. Then the secrecy started along with the drinking and God know what else.
You know I love her and I miss her but I cannot go on supporting her lifestyle or even pretending that I am happy for her. She is really messing with my serenity. Everytime she calls or doesn't call, pays her insurance or doesn't pay. I am trying so hard to just let it and her go but it is so damn hard, my mind just whirls constantly. She has been gone a few months. I am not sure if I even want to have a relationship with her at this point other than polite formalities.
I cannot for the life of me figure out what the hell she is doing or thinking. She should be away at college not shacking up. She had scholarship offers and turned them down to stay in town with this young man who has a Very part time job and no education. She thinks he is cute and they are in love, not to mention she posts this crap on her facebook all the time which has really upset her younger siblings. Almost like his family is her only family and the rest of us our nonexsistent, except when she needs financial help.
Ok, thanks for letting me vent. I keep trying to let go of her and not obsess but it sure ain't easy.
Yep, I have an 18 year old too. We are in limbo right now waiting for the closing of my first house purchase and what she is going to do is still unknown. My family is stressed about it but I am not at all. It is time for her to live her own life. I have put her first and foremost in my life every day for the last 18 years and hopefully done a good job. She has made comments about staying with her friends when we move or coming back shortly after. And that is just fine. These are the rules:
1. You live with me and: a. Go to school full time - I support her 100% b. School part time work part time - She pays some rent and takes on some of her expenses. c. She works full time she pays rent and pays her own bills.
2. You move out of my house you are completely on your own. I will pay for her college if she chooses to go, but I can not afford to keep two households.
I am actually amazed at how not stressed I am about this. If she gets into trouble I will always be there for her, she will always have a home to come to, but what she does at this point is completely up to her. I remember all too clearly being 18 and the stupid choices I made. I did a much better job of raising her than my parents did and have faith that she is going to be fine. She watch me struggle as a single mom with only a high school education - there is nothing I can say that can convince her of the right path more than our life did. She has seen it. She knows. Now it is time for her to go try out her wings.
I wouldn't worry about it. I know it is hard, but it is time for her to make her own choices and deal with the results. Just love her, be grateful for her, and realize that nothing lasts forever. Everything changes - we all go through so many different phases in our lives - she is probably enamored with her bf's family and her freedom. My relationship with my family has waxed and waned my whole life. She will come back around.
Welcome to MIP! We are glad you found us! Aren't young adults fun? I sure was a HANDFUL.
Tricia
-- Edited by tlcate on Wednesday 29th of September 2010 03:54:25 PM
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
It is very hard to stop obsessing about others but it can be done. Accepting those we love and their choices, is the best thing we can do bc we are only fighting reality - and all that does is create more pain, waste time that could be spent on healing and feed the disease. Hearing that I had to give them the dignity to allow them to sort out their own lives - while I did the same - had a light bulb effect on me. I had no idea I was disrespectful, until I began gaining self respect thru program work and following the consequences of boudnaries I had set. This gave me - a healthy option, one that I chose to follow. Following my boundaries imparts me my own self esteem, self respect, emotional autonomy (meaning I dont empathetically rush to feel their feelings- I can stay in my own emotional body now) and love and honoring myself. I have learned patience & respect by doing this.
You obviously are busy with younger kids at home. You need to learn how to stop enabling (i did this the most by worrying for others and attemtping to control outcomes & cleaning up thier crises) and get your life back, so u can be the best and healthiest role model for your kids. Uknow we need a license for a car but with kids, u just go right for it and we dont need to take a test to even see if we could be good parents. But for emotional matters, kids do need available emotionally healthy care givers, if we expect them to be healthy too and have successful and happy relationships. Kids need boundaries and so do adults. As you recover in alanon, u will be a better role model for them and u will be able to share your esh with them one day. Right now, take ur life back from the disease, learn to focus on you and detach with love from other's choices. Kids, too have to learn how to make healthy decisions based on thier needs and what is healthy for them. If we dont do this first, how can we teach it to them?
When u worry for your daughter and her choices, turn her over her HP and practise letting go of attempting to save and protect her. I pray for us to be healed and for god's will everyday... I only hope to be an instrument of peace. I was addicted to chaos, fighting/confrontations and other people. I always shot off to 11. Now I can sit, feel withoout reacting, breathe thru the emotions, then after a few minutes (or if Im having a difficult time processing, feeling, I pray and turn the unwanted feeelings over- willingly handing them to HP/god) I can actually think clearly on it and choose to respond - not automatically react.
Self mastery and peace of mind is what alanon offers you. We guarantee you will get all of your misery back if you stop working our program. Please stick it out for you, you are worth it and ur kids will be better off with a happier healthier mom to emulate.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Until we stop doing for them what they should or could do for themselves nothing will change , she has chosen to leave your home she is legal age so can be made responsible for her own insurance , phone etc. teens want to grow up so fast so welcome her to becomming a responsible adult ..
Wow seems like an epidemic...need to have another family come and read both your shares because it is happening here also...just different names I guess.
I really like the guidelines/boundaries you set up about who is responsible for what/how much and under what conditions. I wish I would have thought about something like this before everything went ccrazy.
I too put her at the front of everything for the past 18 years. I don't regret all that I've done for her but only regret that I may have enabled some of her behaviors to manifest or continue. I was told at a f2f meeting recently that I have no right to deny her of her lifes experiences. That sort of woke me up and made such sense but it is still so hard too watch them struggle and pull away from the family.
My daughter believes her bfs parents/family care so much about her but I think if they truly did they wouldnt have put/let these young adults get into this situation. But I am just gonna keep trying to focus on myself and not go looking at her facebook or listening/asking about her. it just throws me into a spin cycle.
Thanks so much for sharing your ESH. I love how you are at peace with yourself and the not letting the situation overtake and stress you. It gives me hope and something to strive for.
It is very hard to stop obsessing about others but it can be done. Accepting those we love and their choices, is the best thing we can do bc we are only fighting reality - and all that does is create more pain, waste time that could be spent on healing and feed the disease. Hearing that I had to give them the dignity to allow them to sort out their own lives - while I did the same - had a light bulb effect on me. I had no idea I was disrespectful, until I began gaining self respect thru program work and following the consequences of boudnaries I had set. This gave me - a healthy option, one that I chose to follow. Following my boundaries imparts me my own self esteem, self respect, emotional autonomy (meaning I dont empathetically rush to feel their feelings- I can stay in my own emotional body now) and love and honoring myself. I have learned patience & respect by doing this.
You obviously are busy with younger kids at home. You need to learn how to stop enabling (i did this the most by worrying for others and attemtping to control outcomes & cleaning up thier crises) and get your life back, so u can be the best and healthiest role model for your kids. Uknow we need a license for a car but with kids, u just go right for it and we dont need to take a test to even see if we could be good parents. But for emotional matters, kids do need available emotionally healthy care givers, if we expect them to be healthy too and have successful and happy relationships. Kids need boundaries and so do adults. As you recover in alanon, u will be a better role model for them and u will be able to share your esh with them one day. Right now, take ur life back from the disease, learn to focus on you and detach with love from other's choices. Kids, too have to learn how to make healthy decisions based on thier needs and what is healthy for them. If we dont do this first, how can we teach it to them?
When u worry for your daughter and her choices, turn her over her HP and practise letting go of attempting to save and protect her. I pray for us to be healed and for god's will everyday... I only hope to be an instrument of peace. I was addicted to chaos, fighting/confrontations and other people. I always shot off to 11. Now I can sit, feel withoout reacting, breathe thru the emotions, then after a few minutes (or if Im having a difficult time processing, feeling, I pray and turn the unwanted feeelings over- willingly handing them to HP/god) I can actually think clearly on it and choose to respond - not automatically react.
Self mastery and peace of mind is what alanon offers you. We guarantee you will get all of your misery back if you stop working our program. Please stick it out for you, you are worth it and ur kids will be better off with a happier healthier mom to emulate.
Hi Kitty
You are so right about the obsessing. Unfortunately, I can see now where I have done this to extremes with her in the past. No wonder she wants to take off to live her own life and I still struggle daily with trying to figure out how to get her to go with "my" plan for her life...Let go and let God...
I need to try to redirect my mind to focus on my younger kids daily. I don't behave this way with the other kids, wonder why I become so entangled with her??? I am so guilty of the things you mentioned, reacting, over-reacting, chaos, confrontation and then I like to say that she is the drama queen. hmmm, wonder where she learned that from.
Self-mastery and peace of mind sounds like a wonderful gift to give myself and share with those around me. So glad I found this forum. Thanks for sharing!
Until we stop doing for them what they should or could do for themselves nothing will change , she has chosen to leave your home she is legal age so can be made responsible for her own insurance , phone etc. teens want to grow up so fast so welcome her to becomming a responsible adult ..
This has been a difficult task but I keep trying to cut her off in a spirit of love and not spite. The car insurance is the last piece of the puzzle (thus far). You are so right...I should welcome her into becoming a responsible adult, that is what she wants and that is what I truly want for her even though I just don't like the way she is going about it. Live and let live.
Wow seems like an epidemic...need to have another family come and read both your shares because it is happening here also...just different names I guess.
((((hugs))))
Are you going thru this also? Seems like most people are in the midst of it are have been thru it. Must be some kind of right of passage, just with varying degrees.
It is difficult, I know. I sent my daughter to Europe summer of 2009 and will be paying that off for some time. For graduation my parents offered to take my daughter and one other person to Hawaii for a week. All expenses paid. There was no doubt in my mind that she would take me - I had never been, I am a diver, sent her to Europe, she loves me bla bla bla.
She didn't. She took her best friend. That ROCKED my world. I mean really pulled the carpet out from under me. I had to look at that. She did what a typical 18 year old would have done. I was so emotionally tied to her and her actions it was unhealthy. It turned out to be a blessing. After the emotional rollercoaster with the exA and then this I really needed to take a look at how I let others affect me and my expectations of them. As a single mom and successful business woman I have learned that hard work and perseverence pay off. I have been approaching relationships the same way. I think if I try and try and push and push it will go my way. I put so much effort into them, give them so much love, and I do it with strings. I expect things back. I expect results. Now that is not unhealthy in itself, but I needed to pull back a bit. I can't expect someone to do anything. I can't expect someone to change. I do my part, state my needs, and if it isn't a fair give and take I adjust accordingly and don't get all wrapped up in it anymore. I was taking her choices personally and the only person that hurts is me.
This was a major lesson in taking care of me and putting myself first. She is an adult. She is going to put herself first, it is the nature of being that age. I have given her every ounce of me and been so wrapped up in her that it was unhealthy. Now I am finding my own life. We fit comfortably together and me putting my happiness and what I want to do first doesn't seem to bother her at all, she doesn't feel abandoned, and it is a good example for her to follow.
One day at a time.
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I can somewhat relate to what you are going through. My daughter ( much older than yours) went off to college at 17. She is not an alcholic or addict, She got the taste of freedom from "our rules" and since then has moved in and out of our home as she pleased. Since we always wanted our children to have all the things we didnot have we gave them pretty much what they wanted. For our daughter we have bought her 2 cars, paid her insurance, paid her gasoline bills, helped her out in buying a house when she was 21 by refinancing our house she had a full time job and said with a roomate she could easily pay the mortage. What she didn't tell us was her full intent from the beginning was to move her loser boyfreind in with her. She knew we never would have agreed to that. Of course that relationship didn't work out, her roommate moved in with her own boyfriend and all of a sudden she couldnt cover her mortage. We had her put the house up for sale immeditaly and paid her mortage till it sold. To her credit she made money off the house and paid us back for the down payment and past mortage. Yet we continued to pay her bills thinking we were helping. Then everything came crashing down on us and we were in financial ruin. We had to tell her we couldnt help her anymore, we could barely help ourselves. To be honest it was the beginning of the end of our beautiful relationship.... she was disappointed in us. We had done so much for us that we gave her a sense of entitlement. If we had anything in her mind it should be shared with her. And again she is alot older than your daughter. So when she truly had to make it on her own ( and she has) she pretty much turned her back to us. A very wierd dynamic to be sure But by cutting your daughter off now i can tell you it is for the best. Throwing money at them is not the answer. If they want to be indepenant than they have to live with the consequeses that come with that. I too go back and forth with my feelings about my daughter. I love her more than life itself to be sure. But i do have times of anger and then times of feeling extreme loss and sadness as I so want to have a relationship with her. I know i have many things i need to make ammends for with her. And i have written and thrown away at least a hundred ammeds letters. Blessings to you
