The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a diary, an online blog, a computer diary (a MS document that I record my thoughts on) and I occasionally post here... I'm doing a whole lot of thinking.
Everyday is a struggle for me I have tried to go to an F2F meeting but they don't have them any more in my area. The ladies that I called to get more info about local Al anon meetings won't even answer the phone. My AH is driving me and my kids crazy with angry words, blaming, biploar moods and even just his presence. I feel too sick to eat but my anxiety keep chunning in my stomach. So I eat sometimes. When he yells and cusses at me I get numb, my brick wall goes up and only reads dead-end. My words reflect my cold heart and I can't deny it. I can't sleep with him here or knowing that he'll be back. It hurts me to hear him talk and lie. Bitterness overwhelms me when he accuses everyone of everything, bring up old stuff, smells like beer, burns the food on the grill again, calls everyone (yes even my family) when he's drunk. I feel imprisoned by his rules, accusations, and presence. I don't want to come home anymore. I cry (and i hate crying) when I answer the question "how was your week".
Everything in my house is chaotic. I am depressed and too tired to even want to discipline my children or accomplish my daily work goals. I would like to orgainze my books and files but am too stress for that. I want to RUN at night in the rain (like I did in college) and work off this stress but AH would probably wake up the kids and talk them to death maybe even have them stand up against the wall with there arms out until they learn to show him some respect... while I'm gone. Sometimes I feel crazy enough to kill him. All I want is for my bleeding heart to heal. All I want is to take care of my 2 lil' blessing from God and live in peace. All I want is to live Holy. I want to get on with my life. I try so hard to do what is right according to my HP. I feel like I cannot walk with God and let Alcoholism run my life. I am a beautiful woman and I know that I can do better then this. My AH is waiting for his school loan check (a loan that he is unlikely to ever pay back) before he moves out. He wants to move out. (Or so he says, it was initally his idea anyway) But he seems to not be tring hard enough for me... everyday I get closer to physically kicking him out. My anger has grown sooo much over these last few weeks. I keep on Letting Go to Let God have my problems, but they keep on coming back!
Me taking the kids and leaving isn't an option because right now I live in the perfect place. I just got our mortage payment back on track (with a low monthly pmt that is cheper than anywhere else I've ever lived), i walk my son across the street to school and my daughter goes to a really good school where she is begining to make freinds (after being homeschooled last year), I'm within walking distance of my church and the groccery store and I'm on the bus line. This is the house that I prayed for b4 I moved back to NC. None of my family lives nearby or are in a postion to help me in any way. It's just me out here.
Everything would be so much better if my AH would just disappear. I don't want anything else from him anymore. I am so sad, and alone. I've been betrayed by my best friend of 12 years. My Christianity, love, and forgiveness have been used against me. My heart has been torn out and stepped on. My kids (yes even the 4 y.o.) have developed a hatred toward thier father. Disrespect has swelled up inside them and it's hard to hide. I have grown away from my friends because they cannot understand or listen to the pain that I've been through. I had hoped to meet new local friends but there's no al anon in this part of NC. I'm happy to be able to share here for now.
Hello Jewel , have u tried the 1-888-4alanon number ? tol free and international they will tell u where the nearest meeting is .. I am sorry yur having such a rough time right now if you have our literature read it daily , you will find the courage to do what u have to do for yourself and your children . to hear meetings on line to the world service office site = Al-AnonAlateen .org and click on the english link then on to the pod casts site , there are real people talking about diff subjects u will find what u need . i am going to PM you my email , please feel free to email any time . Louise
I am new here myself. I read your post and wanted to cry for you. I cannot imagine the daily burden and circumstances you must be carrying. I don't have the answers, but I hope and pray you WILL find peace.
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Fear is an evil worse than evil itself. St. Padre Pio
welcome home. I am glad u found this forum to vent in and fellowship. When my thoughts of suicide and self destruction went to that of wanting to hurt someone else- I came running back to what I knew in alanon. It is a life saver, here u will learn how to cope and most of us have seen everything! if u havent already too.
Focus on YOU and what u can do to allow you to feel better right now/today and do it. We have a chat room here that offers 24/7 support and two daily mtgs. Speaking live to others even on the pc, truly offers support and understanding. Know u are not alone. You have choices. Focus on what you can change and control (YOU) and begin to get your life back from this progressive family disease. This is your life and whatever it is that u are focusing on, is what is real for you, so make it soemthing positive, something you want in your life. Please dont focus on things like ' u wish he was gone' god can be literal sometimes and then you would feel responsible & worse. Pray for yourself that u get the willingness to change and open your mind and welcome to the beginning of the rest of your life. Alanon is for YOU and about you, welcome. Loving detachment feeels like a brave new world. Be the change you want to see and model healthy living/daily coping for your kids (not codependent enanbling/dysfunction). Each new moment, we have the opportunity to try something new, so that we might gain something we have never had.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
You have found the right place. I hope you can find a meeting in your area someday, but for now please keep coming here and sharing with us. We have online meetings via links you can find at the top of the page and there is a LOT of wonderful literature that can help.
Please keep reading the other stories here and come back and share with us often.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Thank you all so much for listening. I know my post was pretty long. It just feels like I'm between a rock and a hard place. A week ago (at my first conseling session so far) the guy told me that I need bounderies in my marraige. So now I need to visit the library for a book about that. Because that really sounds like a foreign word to me. He told me that I will continue to feel sick as long as I live with my AH like this. He said its kinda like trying to cope with a snake in the room. So I'm gonna feel crazy until he's outta here. I'm gonna think (maybe dream) about my 3 best ways to transition AH out to treatment or anywhwere I can.
I would say dont rush and be very thoughtful and THINK (is what Im doing: Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary & Kind?). We can say what we mean, without saying it meanly when we implement boundaries. I got this list from another member in the chat room 4-5 yrs ago and have used it ever since.
6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES
HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
SET THEM CLEARLY.
COMMUNICATE THEM THEMCLEARLY.
ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).
Boundaries are to protect you. Not to control someone else. No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on.
The boundaries are for YOU. In time u may change/alter them to suit you or the circumstance. When u out grow a boundary and dont need it anymore - u will know that too. You can have emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual, spiritual, social, professional, financial, familial & marital boundaries.
I add this bc that is what happened to me a few times in dealing with my parents:I mademy first boundary that I would not visit my mom if her AH was there. Then I would visit her but if her AH began to abuse me emotionally - then I left. After about a year, I had detached so much from his behavior, that I didnt need to leave anymore bc his words had no power over me, I no longer believed them - I could detach from him entirely & he couldnt hurt me anymore.
Take what u like & leave the rest. Take care of YOU, whatever that looks like.If you dont stand up for YOU, who will?If not now, when?You can change right now.Life is consecutive moments of right now.
(this is from something else):
FACE IT: Become aware of the thinking/behaviour that is a problem
TRACE IT: Try to establish where you think it comes from and why
EMBRACE IT: Accept that you did the best you could with what you had at the time but it no longer needs to be that way. Forgive yourself.
ERASE IT: The thinking/behavior no longer serves your best interests. To erase it, ask God to remove your shortcomings. Refuse to participate in the same thinking and behavior patterns. You may 'slip' from time to time but thats ok, it's a process and it's about progress not perfection.
REPLACE IT: Nothing exists in a vacuum therefore if you remove something you need to put something else in it's place. Where possible fill the void with Gods love. You can replace negative thinking/behavior with positive, healthy responses. Use the tools of the program. Sometimes we try something new and it doesn't work out for us, that's ok too, just try something different.
I sent u a PM too, tc!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
My heart totally goes out to you and your children and I am so sorry you are having to go through this difficult time in your life. All i can say is you sound like a very stong woman and have faith that things will work out in your best interests You and your children are in my prayers
