The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Im fairly new to the program, and still have a lot swirling around me, having a tough time finding a stable place to land.I understand it will take time to build a new foundation, that parts of the old one that worked fairly well for me for a long time, have crumbled and Im not going to be able (nor should I) build back upon all of it.Strange place. There are glaring areas where I need a new foundation and Im looking around wondering if I need that kind of brick or that color.. well, Im lost and easily confused.
Ive been married for 26 years to an alcoholic child of an alcoholic. My alcoholic father-in-law sobered up before I met him, but remained what Ive since identified as a dry drunk. Just a mean, crabby, selfish kind of guy.Stupidly, it did not occur to me that my husband would become this man. The family sort of moves around him, everything is nice on the surface. I had not grown up with any alcoholism in my family, and had no idea what it looked like.Strangely, I met my husband in the program. (long story) And with the naivety of youth, I thought he wasnt really an alcoholic at age 15. Well, silly me.
I believe in the vows I made and did what needed to be done to make our marriage work, basically accepting all responsibility for the health of our marriage, raising our children, (at least their emotional/spiritual/relational needs) coaching him on being a good dad. I did a lot of translating- telling the kids What your Dad meant to say. Or He seemed crabby, but he really loves you. He didnt have the skills to be an involved, loving father- though on some level he wanted to be and seems to think he was. He did his part attending sports events etc.To be fair, he worked very hard at providing for our family. As I look back I realize he had NO skills for intimate relationships (marriage, parenting, friendships) but is an incredibly strong man, very capable in every other area of life. Those things together- his functioning, successful career track and my strengths, well- we made a pretty good show of it for many years. I came to a place of acceptance of who he was, settling for some things I knew were lacking. From time to time his drinking would be what I considered an issue.Wed talk about it, he would either say I was overreacting or he might agree, and he would bring it back under control.He never suffered any apparent job related or legal or social fall-out from his drinking, that I could see, but of course, he was not developing emotionally or relationally. About 3 years ago he suffered some professional losses, some beyond his control, some as a result of his actions- which began to strip away whatever margin it was that kept him from going full blown into alcoholism. Thus began a downward spiral.Wow. Ugly. I am still catching my breath from this past year. There became no doubt in my or my childrens minds. Drinking to blackout 5-6 nights a week.He saw it himself and after a lot of hell, some urgency from us, finally entered outpatient treatment.Hes been sober for nearly 60 days, and is taking his sobriety and the program seriously.
As he began to hit bottom, I was able to see the potential.Having long ago recognized his emotional immaturity, I thought that perhaps if he sobered up, used the program, finally willingly sought therapy for himself (instead of simply appeasing me with marriage counseling) we might have a bright future.I suppose that may still happen, but I was quite surprised after a very long and dark, dark painful season- that he did not and has not once, apologized for his part in the darkness, owned up to any of his behavior during his drinking, acknowledged the impact and cost of his alcoholism on us.Wow.Perhaps he is simply not ready, and thats fine- but he has become very angry, resentful and bitter towards me. I did not see that one coming. Sometimes I think, wow- maybe Im really the crazy one and just cant see it, until I am reminded that two of our three children (two in their early 20s, one still in high school) think I should leave him, while the other would support me 100% if I did. No, its not me.I learned program principles of looking at my own behavior first, accepting responsibility for my own behavior, accepting him for who he is and valuing the parts I could, using fair fighting techniques etc. from my own dedication to my spiritual beliefs (Christian, very involved in my church). I have new lessons to learn. For many years I could talk things through with him. Thats no longer possible as hes too angry, without the numbing impact of alcohol when his emotions get high, he is like a prickle bush. I tend to (silently) obsess over his behavior.I tend to manipulate situations so everyone is happy and even keel. Ive taken way too much responsibility for his relationships with our children (I stopped this as his disease progressed, and I began to attend Al-Anon) Ive realized Im in a grieving process, that denial has played a significant part in my coping. Ive got some fear issues to work out.Im learning to take things one day at a time, rather than trying to figure out my whole future.
Anyway, Ive been lurking here for some time and thought Id jump inIve wanted to respond to some posts, but felt like I should intro myself first. I know this is long, it helps me to sort of formulate in my mind what Im thinking. I so appreciate reading these posts- Im a bit of a sponge, trying to learn everything I can from those who have walked this path longer. Other than f2f meetings, Ive found no place like it.
Aloha Prisca...Wow and overtime worker, owner of the company and major employee too!! Am I glad you got over lurking and brought in your story. You've told it very well which reminds me that I was a babbling idiot by the time I found help. I was certifiably insane and as a former counselor understand that to be true. I love your sponge metaphor and am glad for you because that means your mind is still open and your vision clear. It also means you are not resisting help and that is a winners style. Pass that on to others.
Most of the membership I have come to know pretty much lost everything they had including their sanity by the time they got here also so I'm in support of your recovery as you continue reaching out and practicing what it is that you come to understand.
I know you understand that the disease is progressive if he continues to drink and doesn't seek a way to arrest it in himself. That is why you're here, for your own sanity. Welcome and keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Prisca, welcome. You made a huge step by coming to Alanon.
One thing someone told me at my first Alanon meeting that really helped me was the three C's, I didn't cause it, I can't control it nor can I cure it. That one line helped me tremendously.
We all show up when we are sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Hello and welcome Very glad you stopped lurking and decided to join our family as we are her to support, love and understand you in a way that others who don't face our problems can do. Glad you are getting to meetings and that you are ready to soak up what is offerred to you. Remember the slogan " take what you like and leave the rest" what works for one of us may not work for another. The main thing is you will gain incredible knowledge about this disease and you will learn new and healthy ways of coping. I don't have a spouse who is an A so honestly i got so tired for you and all the things you have done to keep the family together. You are one strong lady. And you will find in this program many people stay with thier spouses or significant others weather they are sober or not. No one is goin to advise you to leave your marriage. For me my son is an addict. My husband and I both come from highly addictive families and to try to break the cycle we even moved 3 states away from our families ( not cutting them out of our lives) so our children were not exposed to the day to day drama and chaos of living with or around an alcoholic/addict. Alcohol was a rare find in our home and drugs were never a factor. Yet it seemed with all we had tried our son possibly drew the genetic short straw and he to began his addiction around 15 yrs old. It is a fact that the alcoholic/addict stops growing emotionally at the age they start using. So as you mentioned your husband started drinking at 15 reality is you are dealing with a grown man right now who emotionaly is 15 yrs old. So some of the behaviors you describe are just that of a teenager. I need to keep that in mind when I deal with my son. Once they start recovery then they begin to grow emotionally again. You didn't say what kind of recovery program your husband is in, I am hoping it is a 12 step program as that is proven to ( if they really work thier steps) change thier behaviors. At 60 days into recovery i wouldn't expect him to be making any ammeds just yet. He is likely just now getting the hang of the program and everyone works it at thier own pace. I have also found having so many alcoholics/addicts in my life that ammends don't nessesarily come in a verbal or written manner. I waited for what seemed like forever for my brother to make ammends to me as I had raised his daughter because he was busy getting high, I also waited for those ammends from my sister as I took in her daughter and grandson to live with us twice ( 2years each time) because having them live with her cut to much into her life style. Upon working my own program ( which i only turned to because of my son) I realized that ammends come in many different way. With my brother and sister it was simply not only getting sober but watching their behavior change. To go from 2 people I could never rely on to becoming my biggest supporters who now would do anything in the world for me should I ask. And I have had to ask them for help from time to time and instead of them being unavailable to me emotionaly or otherwise they are now right by my side. What more can I ask for? Again I am so glad you found us, and am looking forward to more posts from you Blessings
Prisca-welcome! And congrats to your ah for his almost 60 days sober. I think I can understand your frustration at his lack of remorse ¨...after a very long and dark, dark painful season- that he did not and has not once, apologized for his part in the darkness, owned up to any of his behavior during his drinking, acknowledged the impact and cost of his alcoholism on us. ¨ There's a phrase I've seen used here to describe the first weeks and months of many A's when they stop drinking and that is ¨STARK RAVING SOBER¨. Seems like that may be where your H is at now. It may be all he can do right now to just not drink and there's no energy left over for anyhting else. Just something to think about. You sound like a very strong woman and you're already learning and working the program. Please keep coming back and do respond to posts. We all have so much to learn from one another here.
Thank you all for your encouragement. I feel so crazy at times. It helps to know that other people 'get it'. And it helps too to hear other people's feedback. Looking forward to getting to know you each. : )
Welcome Prisca. Wow, read your story and it sounds a lot like mine. I just wanted to tell you that all of this is a progression. My AH has gone through 4 rehabs and I am hoping that this is the one that "he gets it." Until they accept that they are helpless over this disease, they still want to use... My AH is doing well and is seriously working the program and on himself. I wanted to also add, that after my AH's 3rd rehab, he was pretty much where yours is now. I got to see a whole bunch more craziness, lived in his drama, and felt totally defeated. He was so angry. Angry at himself, this disease, his life, his helplessness, the friends he lost, our grown kids, me..... Looking back now, I think it was all part of accepting how his alcoholism has affected his whole life and all of us that touched his life. But if there is breath, there is hope. Hang in there. Peace.
