The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There's been several lately, not for the drinking but for the emotional abuse that follows the morning after? There were flowers, and hugs and so many sorry's, but the apologies are becoming empty words that mean little. If he would try and stay cool for more than a couple of days, but it doesn't happen, he's been losing it almost daily. He came to me again tonight apologizing in his way, but that was just before his friends came over to drink. I hope I have enough strength to not give up on Al-Anon because he's giving me a false sense of security thinking that everything is okay and then I start thinking I don't need help?
Alanon has taught me to treat everyone with courtesy and respect!!! If you receive an apology from someone all you need to do is say "thank you or something simple like,a head nod and then continue with what you are doing.
An apology is not get out of jail card. Alanon stresses making amends. That is: owning our part in a situation and changing behavior.
If when he says he is sorry for something, you might see something that you could have done different and then you might be able to acknowledge your part in some of the stuff and try to express that.
You are attending alanon to obtain tools that will enable you to enjoy life. Hnis changing his behavior is a great thing for him!! You will now be able to use the new tools alanon will give you and you will be able to interact with the him in a more positive fashion.
What you are experiencing is the proverbial roller coaster ride. I can remember allowing my expectations to play tricks on me wanting to believe that "this time" would be "the time" only to be disappointed time and time again. How many times did I fall into that trap?
Don't give up on Al-Anon because the program will give you the strength, hope and tools you need to to live and separate yourself from the disease. Continue coming to MIP and make attending f2f meetings a major part of your life. With the help I found here and at f2f meetings I realized that I was putting all the focus on my alcoholic and not myself. I spent all my time and effort being absorbed in her junk. The old timers at my meetings and on this board showed me the path to recovery.
I'm still on that path taking care of myself first and letting my HP take care of my alcoholic. My head doesn't spin anymore because I'm off the roller coaster. I no longer believe the promises that at the time I'm sure she thought she could honor. Taking care of myself first meant putting "my" serenity first. I made it a habit and my life got better. My alcoholic has not changed, but I have, and I give Al-Anon and my HP all the credit.
Give it a try and if you have second thoughts ask yourself.......Who does the Alcoholic in your life always put first?
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Friday 24th of September 2010 11:30:00 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Friday 24th of September 2010 11:31:45 PM
Betty I understand that making amends is important, yet I still have this anger that I'm suppressing over his recent fit. I did not ignore him but heard him out, at one point I did have to try really hard to keep my mouth shut, but now I'm the one that has to get it out of my system and feel good about it.
That kind of apologizing could be a setup and a part of manipulation which is common within the disease. Apologize before the drunk rather than apologize and make changes. It's part of the insanity of the disease. If you fall for it and falling for it is any reaction to it; you're being hooked into it. Learning to let it just pass by without grabbing on to you like velcro is what the program practice is all about.
Of course the fellowship wants love and respect and consideration and courtesy and all those other good things that we give all the time and expecting it from an active alcoholic is setting myself up for a major long term resentment. She continued to drink and use and have affairs and steal and the like and I continued to act out the "good guy" victim and forget all the destruction that kept progressing. I needed a wake up call that was huge and that is where my HP manipulated me into the rooms of Al-Anon where I could get and give genuine and honest care and love from the fellowship just like here at MIP. No practicing alcoholic can give or return love and compassion like it is done here. It won't and cannot happen because the disease of alcoholism has no room for care for others. It is a selfish disease.
It's okay to get into the rooms of Al-Anon to give and get unconditional love and respect from others because he is unable and unwilling to do that.
I've even used the preapology myself sorta like a warning or notice that I was going to do something (drink) before I did it and against the liking of some other caring person. It's devious. I handed someone something they wanted and a short time later snatch it back. Go to a meeting, call a sponsor or some one else in the program, go out to coffee or ice cream with some members and feel good about doing that.
RLC, thanks and of course the answer to your question is alcohol but there are times that I still believe that maybe he isn't an alcoholic? My attention has been mostly consumed with his behavior which is most certainly changed and the only thing I can see is the alcohol almost always comes before the change in behavior. I have become pretty good at accepting that he drinks and that he drinks too much, I say little because any mention about his drinking gets him very angry and almost explosive. I've learnt to keep my mouth shut about it.
Jerry I've been hooked into this for quite some time now, the only thing that changed is that it progressed.. I've only just begun in my journey with ala-non. I've Only Just Begun was my wedding song...boo hoo.
I hear you regarding the resentment and needing to get it out or your system.
Alanon encourages us to say what we mean , mean what we say but DO NOT SAY it mean. I have found it helps to share my anger and resentment with my sponser or program people first. We can talk things over reason things out releaase some of the rage and then I can have an intelligent conversation stating my position.
Try just coming here and writing about your resentments It helps to give clarity on the issue and HP can give you the words
Thanks Betty, tell me, where is the best place to be on this forum to get the help, here or elsewhere? I tried to get into the Step room and the chat, but I can't. Seems to be a java problem. Will have to try again.
Hi Dori I am not computr literate but we dohave meetings here 2 times a day and chat room open 24/7 Down at the bottom of the message board there is a list of Board adminstrators Try to PM one of them regarding your problem with the Java issue In the meantime keep posting directly to the message board people will respond
Dori you may have to reload Java and then go into the permissions of the program to make it happen. I had that happen to me and I believe that I had to go into the permissions to allow for the room. Once you get it...you're in.
I love that song...We've only just begun to live, white lace and promise a kiss for luck and we're almost there...we've only just begun...Never have a drunk sing it or take it seriously at a wedding where half the attendees can't tell you where they're at. LOL I do that song best in the shower all by myself.
The only thing that changes can be Dori...you don't need his permission to get well.
(((hugs)))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 25th of September 2010 12:02:55 AM
Awe thanks Jerry, those words did bring back memories but so sad. We actually have come a long ways together. Come to think he was pretty juiced at our wedding. He can't remember our wedding song, I don't think he even remembers the wedding, lol.
Dori ,drinking or not you will need this program to continue in the relationship once an alcoholic always and alcoholic ,Al-Anon is for you it isn't about him anymore ,this prog will improve all of your relationships , the principles of this program will continue to give you a life you could never imagine .for all of your sakes dont stop now .
It's fine to accept the apology, but it's realistic to know if nothing changes, then nothing changes. Don't expect an apology means an attempt at change, especially where an active alcoholic is concerned.
I've learned it is VERY true that talk is cheap. You can listen to the words, but really what you need to do is be aware of the behavior.
I've received many an apology from my ex-AH when we were together. Very rarely did he amend his behavior along with the apology. I stopped expecting change when an apology came my way. It helped me to slowly become more realistic about our relationship, and it also helped curb any resentments I may have should he return to old behaviors after apologizing and promising it won't happen again.
Just keep remembering the steps. For me - I am powerless over my A's intentions or lack thereof to change. Knowing that, what can I do for myself so I can find happiness and serenity?
Hi Dori and thank you for your post. I hope you dont give up on alanon either. You said the sorry's give you a false sense of security and you start to think you dont need help. For me this is where the wanting and wishing came into play. We can want, hope and wish for someone to change so much that we block the continued evidence that is right in front of our face. Its sorta like turning into a starving person looking for a crumb. Hanging on to small acts of kindness, or a kind word thrown in here or there and it becomes gigantic. Were at some levels not to different than the addicted person. Until we hit our bottom and want to get better, we can find all sorts of reasons why we dont need help. You know I think the hardest thing for me when I first arrived was hearing all this you cant change anyone, I came here for one reason and that was to see what I could do fix the addicted person. In fact, when i found out that answer was nothing, I almost didnt come back. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. Almost two years later, I can see how sick i was upon arrival, how affected and distorted my thinking and perceptions were. Wow that was a shock for me believe me lol...I am so grateful I kept coming back, it has helped me in all facets of my life...Something had to change, it just had to I had enough evidence that it wasnt going to be anyone else so I guess it had to be me :) blessings your way Dori :)
Dori, I to have a problem with keeping my mouth shut. The next morning when he is saying he is sorry and I would rant about what he did the night before I did get it off my chest and he felt gooooood! but he just sat there and said I know and Im sorry. And you know what that night he would do it all over again. Then I found these people and read stuff then I thought I'm going to say something and I got a response and that made me really happy!! I now journel all my thoughts. One of my daughters taught me to do that and now when I get the I'm sorry I just say sure ok and that's it and then I go write about 6 pgs of stuff. Please dont leave this site. I know how you feel. Don't give up. Al-Anon people are the only ones I think that understand.
