The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just joined and I am glad to be here and find some much needed support. I know a lot about alcoholism - my father was an alcoholic and died in an auto accident when I was a teen - as a result of his drinking. My mother, whom I no longer associate with is a prescription drug abuser and has been for 15 years. I do believe I have a brother who is an alcoholic and a confirmed sister who is an alcoholic and has been in and out of rehab and/or AA for the past two to three years.
My sister and I are extremely close. I have come to her "rescue" a million times. Watched her marriage fall apart. I have seen what her alcholism is doing to her child. Bitten my nails off when she's called me completely drunk driving to another state, incoherent - not making sense etc...you all know the drill. The chaos Al creates in the life of others.
I am at the point where I now have to focus on my own emotional health and physical health and am just plain, well - tired. I am tired of alcohol being the center of attention for all of these years. I know what she can be sober. She has tried over and over to get sober but always goes back to the bottle.
I am not sure what snapped in me, but I reached a point where I was just done. Not that I have given up on her, but just done with dealing with the whole thing. I wrote her and told her and of course she flipped out. She's insulted, disgusted and disappointed in me and thinks I am being "judgmental" and "holier than thou" and wants to know exactly why I seem to be affected by HER personal choices in life. Sigh. She's been to a 30 day inpatient rehab. A wonderful rehab so she KNOWS why it affects the loved ones around her, yet now she is trying to claim it shouldn't affect me.
So, here I am feeling crappy like maybe setting this boundary makes me an awful person. She loaded me with guilt saying I pulled the trigger on the last meaningful relationship in her life. :(
I could use some advice.
CT
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Fear is an evil worse than evil itself. St. Padre Pio
Welcome.... not much to offer in the way of advice, but more of empathy and understanding.... The old saying of "you can't go to the hardware store for a loaf of bread" comes to mind, whenever we hope to get validation, or emotional understanding from our active A's....
My wonderful old sponsor used to remind me of two great things to keep in mind when dealing with active A's....
1. Why do we keep expecting irrational and unhealthy people to behave in rational and healthy ways?
2. When dealing with your active A, try to imagine them with a large "SSS" stamped on their forehead, that stands for "sick, sick, sick"
Glad you found us, and keep coming back....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
WelCome to our Family here at MIP ;) I'm Glad you Found us, and your are Sooo In the Right place ;)
I to can't really give advise but I can tell you I know exactly how it is, only in my case it is my younger brother.... I have had my own struggles with alcohol, and at times can still...When I got in trouble I never depended on anyone but me, because i was ashamed to have others see me that way...
One night i had been out with my husband, (Drinking) we came home and my Phone rang at 1 in the morning, it was my lt. brother, crying sobing like a baby it was terrible... Drunk, told me he got kicked out by his GF and needed me to come get him ... ASAP....
My Husband was asleep so I didn't see the need to wake him, I grabbed my dog, and took off... Went couple miles up the road to were he told me to pick him up, and he was GONE....I was Pissed.. I turned around and headed back home, in my Pajama's... and on the way home got pulled over, (headlight out) and got a DWI...Went to Jail.. Had to Call my Mom to come get me... WOW.... Was that a Wake up for me when it came to not only My Drinking... but His, and My "Caretaking" him to the point of my own demise...
Now I know it was "MY" Fault that I got the DWI because is said "YES", but I also know that It could have been alot Worse I could have hurt someone else, and I know I couldnt live with myself if I did, apparently he isn't at that place in his life yet, and for me.... That was 12 yrs ago...
Alcohol is a Cunning Disease for Sure, and I watched as it took my Afathers life just 2 short years ago, but in coming here I have learned, that I was not to blame for his drinking, Nor could I have saved him, he knew it was wrong and did it anyway, and he had to live & die with that choice...
There is always Hope, but now My Hope is In Me, and not the Alcoholic, NOW I take care of me, and let me brother be the full blown adult that he is, I can still love him, and not like his behavior, I learned that here... Now I get alone with him better then I ever had, because I am not tryin to mother him, feel sorry for him, or take over being his "Go to guy"... My Life has become ALOT more managable... This Program is why :)
If I was to "Suggest" anything to you it would be to see if there is a Local "Face to Face" al-anon meeting in your area, check it out... You will get LOTS of litature on how this program works and how Wonderful the Suppport System is ... I have made a New Family out of my Al-anon/Acoa Family, and with out them I may just be clear out of my mind as I once was....
I do hope that you keep coming back... we need you just as much as everyone else here...
Sending Loving Prayers your way... Friends in Recovery Jozie
Thank you for your kindness. I have been to some al-anon meetings the first time she went to rehab. I never felt comfortable. I never felt like I fit in. I do get a lot out of reading books and have read everything I can on alcoholism and adult children of al. I would probably reconsider a face-to-face, but have six children and physical therapy that I have to go a couple nights a week etc...you get the picture. Squeezing ONE more thing in is not even a consideration for me. Thankfully I found you all.
I hate feeling this "all or nothing" feeling towards her, but I struggle with being around her, watching her drink, watching her drink in front of her child who KNOWS she has a drinking problem and being so self-indulged. It's like I think I am just all filled up, like a gas tank that is being filled and the shut-off valve never clicked off and the gas is just overflowing - oh and there's this guy on the curb who is lighting a match..... That's how I feel and now I am in "shut-down" mode. I don't know how to just "accept" her and love her despite her alcoholism. That's what I have BEEN doing and now I have crossed some invisible emotional line that says, "I'm done." Sigh.
-- Edited by caretaker on Friday 24th of September 2010 05:21:17 PM
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Fear is an evil worse than evil itself. St. Padre Pio
Aloha Caretaker...Getting to face to face Al-Anon meetings may just provide some change in your physical conditioning. This is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions and that blurb doesn't only pertain to the alcoholic. The definition of alcoholism states that, "we too are as affected as the alcoholic and maybe more in that we go through the problems wide awake without the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality." You could find out if there is Alateen available for her child. Alateen is for the children of alcoholics and from the ages 12 - 19. It is the same program as Al-Anon and uses the same steps and traditions that we use from AA.
Of course you would initially feel uncomfortable at an Al-Anon meeting. Al-Anon does everything different than those who think they can and will handle the problem on their own. I was uncomfortable for a long time and continued to go until I got it and admitted I was totally powerless over my spouses and families alcoholism and every thing I had done came down to zero and I was done; toast!! just like where you are at now.
Keep coming back cause it works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
You are in the right place. This is a dreadful disease and you sound as if you have hit your bottom. That is good news because you are reaching out for help.
I walked into alanon because I had tried everything and all sources of help first. I had no where else to go and I was sure I was going insane. NO I was not comfortable They did not tell me how to get him sober
. They told me to keep coming back and to focus on myself. Not what I wanted to hear and I did not feel comfortable with all these people.
After a while I learned that this is not unusual others were like me and preferred to isolate and make up their own solutions. These Solutions stopped working That is why I decided to keep coming back
One day I walked into the room and felt at home and comfortable and as if I was with family. That is a special gift Please keep showing up . You are worth it.
If you are truly *done * you are now teachable please go back to meetings you need support , don't look for the differences listen to the similarities .. you will find acceptance in our program and a new way to live , to have a relationship with your family as u detach yourself emotionaly from thier behavior , you have nothing to loose by trying this program for a few months but alot to gain , what you have been doing isnt working . Your trying to solve a problem that has nothing to do with you anything u do is doomed to fail because you are trying to stop a disease , the alcoholic is the only one tht can stop this leave the problem with them where it belongs and get the focus back on you ..
She's been to a 30 day inpatient rehab. A wonderful rehab so she KNOWS why it affects the loved ones around her, yet now she is trying to claim it shouldn't affect me.
They did not tell me how to get him sober
please go back to meetings you need support , don't look for the differences listen to the similarities .. you will find acceptance in our program and a new way to live , to have a relationship with your family as u detach yourself emotionaly from thier behavior , you have nothing to loose by trying this program for a few months but alot to gain , what you have been doing isnt working . Your trying to solve a problem that has nothing to do with you anything u do is doomed to fail because you are trying to stop a disease , the alcoholic is the only one tht can stop this leave the problem with them where it belongs and get the focus back on you ..