The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wanted an honest opinion on this topic. I am married to a great guy and we have been together over 13 years, we have 4 children between us, all almost grown but one. My husband has been in recovery off and on 14 years ,mostly off, no use in over a year. Through all of our years together, I never went to alanon, im not the most social person, can be very shy at times but this year when I started a new job, I met a medical professional that my husband and I both knew from a past job. I am a nurse and my husband is a retired physician. When I saw this excoworker again, I found out his spouse had a major drug addition problem and he sure had his share of problems dealing with the issues.We would talk at work about all of the struggles and I would mostly listen to his worries, etc. By helping him, it in turn helped me to want to get better. He had been to a few alanon meetings and had been reading alot and I soaked up his knowledge when I was around him. We met several times(with my husbands approval and his wifes) and shared so much about our lives and I really discovered so much about myself but in the process of all of this, I may have pushed his friendship away, I would check on him at least weekly by text, nothing ever inappropriate, I don't believe, I love my husband very much and I wouldn't do anything to hurt our relationship and he loved his wife, nothing there other than friendship with us.. This friendship was dear to me, it felt like we were long time friends. He really helped me so much.Throughout the summer I texted him to meet up for coffee and talk and didn't get a response, I was not done with getting out my story, I wanted to share more,I had so much more and still do that needs to come out, I think I was too needy and he was barely hanging on, his wife had just came home after 9 months of rehab. I believe I pushed way too hard and now when I see him, he is nice to me,very polite but doesn't want to share with me or have much to do with me. I actually thinks he talks to me because he doen't want there to be hard feelings in the workplace.The conversations at work are extremely akward. I recently just backed away too, it hurts me to think that my over bearing, needy self ruined a potentially great friendship. I talked to my husband about this and he said I could have easily driven him away with my always wanting to help etc attitude. I recently joined alanon because I know I can't lean too hard on someone like I did again and I dont' want to drive anyone else way. This situation really makes me sad, I just hope I haven't added more stress to his already unsettled life. So mad at myself.
lesa, It's hard to say what happened. Maybe he wasn't done talking about himself yet..
In any case, I'm glad you found Alanon. Since you have, you know we can't control others. If it's really bothering you, perhaps you could simply ask him, then make amends if needed.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Welcome to MIP and alanon. Your awareness and acceptance of yourself is admirable.
Remember you are human and we all do the best we can in all situations. Your friend had the responsiblity to take care of himself and explain how much "Help" he could give and How much "help" he could receive. You are not a mind reader.
Be gentle with yourself, get to meetings, find a sponser and believe that this relationship will right itself in time
You know Lesa, I have always found that before I use to think that people didnt say Hi, or backed off because it had something to do with me or something I said.
My experience now , I have found that usually it has nothing to do with me. Its usually not about us. You dont know whats going on in his life. Anyway, whats good is that it led you to Alanon. People come in and out of our lives for certain reasons.
Try a face to face meeting and keep coming back . Were hear to listen.
Thanks everyone for your help and concern, and it's funny that you said that Bettina because I had bought him a inspirational book for his birthday and I wrote in the book about how people come into our lives for unknown reasons. Regardless of what happens in the future I know that he was the one who came into my life and brought me to a place where I want to get better, be a better friend, mother , wife, christian, etc. I saw the amount of pain he was going through and I saw how he was able to pull himself through with the help of Alanon, being a strong person and taking care of himself. He of course was back and forth but it does seems he is working hard to take care of himself.When I first noticed the change in our friendship, my first thought was to never open up again to anyone because it hurts too much but now I realize his fellowship and friendship was given to me in my time of need and to guide me to Alanon and to get the support and not close myself up like I did all these years. He was the first person I was able to be totally honest with and let everything out,I truly hope my neediness has not damaged the friendship too bad but if it has, I took a lot of things from our brief friendship that will help me. Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate it.
I think us alanoners tend to take everything so personally until we start working the program and learn to put the focus back on ourselves. There could be a mutitude of reasons your friend has backed off the relationship Maybe he is struggling with his own wifes addiction and hasn't the strenght to listen or give words or wisdom to someone else Maybe his wife started to feel threatend Maybe he was beginning to have feelings for you and was man enough to bow out as to not cause friction between you and your husband It could be a million things that have nothing what so ever to do with you. Thats why we go to Alanon so we can share and get support from many because there is always going to come a time where you just don't have the strenght to give support to another. Be gratful for the guidance and support he gave you that push to alanon Not everyone we meet or know is always meant to stay in our lives forever, sometimes we meet the right person at the right time, get what we need and then they are gone, thier mission complete. I hope you are attending alanon meetings and getting help for yourself. Blessings
