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Hello.....I'm new here. I've had this bothering me for some time now. I want to ask you for your opinion. Maybe I just do not want to admit my hubby is actually and alcoholic.
I dated my hubby for 2 years prior to marrying him in April of this year. He is a very sweet and caring man. I knew he drank beer (no liquor) prior to marrying him. I guess I just didn't how much until we got married. It does not affect his work, but when he gets home he will drink around 12 beers a night every night. He drinks about double that on the weekend. He is a very sweet and loving man and he never gets violent. He never gets so drunk that he's sick or has hangovers. His ex-wife says he is an acoholic. He says he went to an AA meeting and they told him he wasn't. I worry that he might be drinking more than he used too. I have noticed some edema in his legs this past month and worry this too is a sympton. His grandfather was an alcoholic......can this be in any way heredited? I feel like I can't talk to him about this since he says thats all his exwife ever complained out.
Hi.... well, I would offer two opinions on this one....
1. He appears to have at least one alcoholic tendency, in that he is a willing & capable liar. I would have a hard time believing that any AA meeting would tell someone who drinks 12 beer/day that they are NOT an alcoholic....
2. His consumption is way way way beyond what one would consider social drinking, so just based on the volume, I'd have to say that he is more than likely an alcoholic....
Whether he is or not, or even whether he admits it or not - the thing that YOU can control is you.... I'm guessing that his drinking has and is affecting you, so Al-Anon would be a great thing for YOU....
Hope that helps
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
went to AA and they said he wasn't ?? thats a new one never heard that before . It really dosent matter how much he drinks,what matters is how it affects you when he does . Al-Anon will help u with that .. if his drinking bothers you and i suspect it does or you wouldnt be here at this board . A friend of mine told her husb that his drinking was causing her a problem and that was why she attended our program , she wasnt accusing him or anything just stating the truth as she saw it .confronting an alcoholic with accusaions never brings positive results they will of course deny there is a problem . I was told that until he says what he is doing is casuing him a problem it ISN'T its causing us a problem .. Please find some meetings in your area alcoholics are all different some abusive some not ,some work some dont , alcoholism by itself is abusive it take our loved one away from family this is progressive it always gets worse never better . this is an equal oportunity disease it dosent care who it gets , rich , poor smart or not , alcoholism has no boundaries . take care of you . louise
From my own hard experience including program and college and nothing but alcoholic relationships including genetics.
Beer....is alcohol...a 12 pack and or a 24 pack at one time is alot of alcohol at one time and truthfully signifies that he is fixated on...alcohol. No it's not "hard" liquor and that's where alcoholism is cunning...we're working with lousy information.
Another person who has lived with his drinking? an ex-wife more over is additional hard evidence. If she says he is alcoholic I'd ask her why do you think so and was it a reason for the divorce? I learned that one from not doing it myself.
"AA told him he wasn't alcoholic is what he wanted to hear and want's to tell you and everyone else who wants him to stop cause he isn't gonna for now and AA is the most successful recovery program out there...for those who want to stop drinking."
Genetic predisposition? This is one of the master key indications of alcoholism or abuse. When I speak with the young people who have come from alcoholic homes I suggest that they pay particular attention to the tap root of their families. I got turned on by my grand-mother and she had no idea what was happening or would happen in the future when she insisted that "the grand-children have their first glass of wine".
Edema on his legs? There is soooo much physical evidence that is and will be available that it will amaze you. The standard symptoms which are often talked about are liver, bladder, kidneys, lungs (yes), and heart. I had a symptom that was sooo confusing for a long time until I got a higher education on alcoholism; greenish/yellow skin color. That is only the physical indications...mental and emotional indications make the list grow longer and longer. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Unless it is arrested by total abstinence it will progress and the list will end with insanity and/or death.
For members in Al-Anon the biggest symptom you need to be aware of is if his drinking affects you. If it does it is a problem and there is help and hope for you. The hotline number for the Al-Anon Family Groups is in the white pages of your local telephone book. I suggest you call it and find the meeting places and times where you can meet the fellowship face to face and come learn what you can do for yourself. He has decided it's not a problem for him and he hasn't made that decision for yourself. He is wrong already!!
Welcome to MIP and hopefully the door to Al-Anon. I tend to go a bit overboard it seems putting out information and ESH and then I already know what the new comers shoes feel like cause this disease almost robbed me of my life. The people who have embraced you already and who are in the rooms of Al-Anon are the ones that gave me my life back. I serve out of gratitude.
Hi and thank your for your post...the first thing that came to mind while reading this was this.........if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck chances are its a duck ...... I have to say quack here :) glad you found us :) and please keep coming back :) I
-- Edited by DreamXL on Thursday 23rd of September 2010 08:02:03 PM
Neece, Everyone shared everything in my heart and mind.
Well maybe not my heart. I am thinking about your heart. You are still a newlywed! I can feel the love you have for your husband. I do believe he is very loving and sweet. It is the disease that is so horrible.
Everyone is right, what helps us the most is Al Anon. It teaches us how to respond or not respond to the disease.
Since your AH addict husband, is a kind man, your going to Al Anon, educating yourself about what alcohol does to the body will help you to keep things as calm as possible.
If he went to AA, he knows he is sick, he knows he is A. It does not matter if there is a label on him as being an addict or not. He knows how his body feels. Edema hurts, believe me.
I know this must tear you apart. I hope you go to face to face meetings to get support. It is very ok to love an A, very. They did not choose to have this disease.
It will be very hard for you to watch what happens to him without support.
It is totally up to him what choices his makes hon. We have no control over the disease or the person.
I was newly married too when the disease raised it's ugly head. I gleaned some years of hard times and the best times, until the disease took over.
It is NEVER your fault! "Getting Them Sober" is a good book to learn by. Canadian Guy is doing service by giving it away, you can see his post on the message board.
You are always welcome here, you can also pm people if you want to share or get support one on one.
Please take care of you, love you always. Give your husband a big hug for me.
You all have been very nice and supportive. I thank you for all your advice. I think I already knew the answer before I asked. :( I was so hoping I was wrong. I think I have known for a while but when his mother asked me about his drinking......I found myself lying to her. Oh...he just has a beer every now and then is what I said. I knew then I was lying to protect him and his secret. I just don't want to be an enabler. I know if I confront him it will cause us problems in our marriage. Until he is willing, I know he will not get help. I'm not sure if he will ever admit he has a problem. He is never verbally or physically abusive. I would never stand for that. It does hurt financially. I don't want him to feel betrayed by me for telling his family. I would also feel guilty and would feel as the trust would be gone in our marriage.
Thanks again for all you help. I will definately stick around and learn from you.
well he's got the lying down to an art...............totaly alcoholic behavior Going to an AA meetings and they tell him he is not an alcohoic? Unheard of. If your husband went to an AA meeting, stood up and admited her was an alcholic he would have been taken at his word. He wouldn't have been grilled about how much or how often he drinks. because the consumption is different for evryone. For some people 1 drink a day and they can be an alcoholic for others it can be much more. And 12 beers a day is a bit over the top. Another A trait rationilizing thier behavior. But he is not considered an alcoholic until he admits it. It doesn't matter what other people say. The question to ask yourself right now is, is his drinking causing a problem for you. So far you say he doesn't affect his work. Remember this is a progressive disease, it only gets worse until the person seeks help. How is his drinking affecting you, I would imagine after 12 beers he is no longer available to you emotionaly, physically, help around the house etc. You say you are keeping the severity of his drinking a secret from his family. Ask yourself if his family didn't think he had a problem why in the world would they even ask you that question. Clearly they already have a clue. And in this disease we are only as sick as our secrets. answering thier questions is not betraying your husbands trust it is being honest. How often do you need to lie for your husband? Clearly that must take a tole on you. Please now while it is early in your marraige seek help for yourself through Alanon. Learn everything you can about this disease, work the steps and get yourself healthy. You can only save yourself, your husband is going to do as he pleases. Alanon will teach you how to handle his disease in a healthy way. because we get sick to and we need to focus on ourselevs. No one will tell you to leave your husband. There are many in this program that live happy serene lives while still living with an active alcoholic. But seeking help for yourself is vital or you are going to become miserable, resentful and your life will become unmanagable. Please find meetings in your area and start your own recovery, you will never be sorry that you did. Wishing you the best blessings
