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I have constantly gone to my husband and apologized time and time again. I often apologize for things that aren't even my doing. First I try to reason with him when that doesn't work I am usually the one that apologizes. Aren't we supposed to do this as part of the 12 steps. Isn't this making him feel off the hook, and doesn't this condone their behavior associated with the drinking habit. For instance a couple of years ago I had my sick mother over here. My husband was in the garage drinking with all his buddies. They kept running in and out and banging doors. All I did was go and tell him to keep the doors quiet because I finally got mom to bed, and then I went to bed. He came in banging on the door yelling at me telling me that I was ruining Christmas for everyone. He remained angry at me for 2 weeks after. Even when Christmas did come neither my mom nor I got a Merry Christmas from him. He walked right past us. I finally was able to break the silence thru a letter as he wouldn't listen to me any other way. He did start talking but to this day he still feels he was right? When something is my fault, I do apologize but I worry about the things he makes me feel is my fault when they aren't, most of the time I apologize for those things too?. Sorry, please explain that part of the 12 step? How do I go about approaching that?
I came to understand that the 12 steps were a set of spiritual principles and behaviors for me to live by for me only not to change anyone else or as a motive to correct a relationship with someone who wasn't rational or well but together because the most important thing in her life was booze which made her into someone I'd rather not live with. I live the steps because they have vastly improved my life not for any other reason. Others get to decide how and what and where they act all by themselves for their own reasons many times which have nothing to do with me. If he's drunk or has been drinking you are not dealing with the best man for the job. The is a "t" shirt message I once saw which fit the description of a boozer very well, "Instant a--hole just add alcohol." When my spouse drank there was absolutely nothing I could do to get my needs met and walking on egg shells wasn't even close the solution.
It's early for you. Face to face Al-Anon meetings will help a ton. Keep coming back here ((((hugs))))
Thanks Jerry...chuckle about the T shirt. You do mention a word that does strike home and that is egg shells. I feel that I'm walking on egg shells because I never know when he's going to lose it. I feel so much more peaceful when he's at work.
I am mostly questioning 8, 9, 10, but will go through all the steps starting at one.
This is such a familiar situation that you have describe!! Before program, the disease of alcoholism did call all the shots in my home. In order to find peace and some order I would "take the High Road" (so I thought} and own the problem as my fault!!. The problem with this, is that I developed huge resentments over the situations. I did not really believe it was my fault and I felt abused over the behavior. Saying I am sorry came very easy to me I did not mean it most of the time!! Alanon is an honest program and it is where I finally learned to say what I mean and mean what I say an not say it mean.
Enter al anon and the tools. The Steps must be worked in order and with a sponsor
. I had to get very honest in my 4th Step. I had to own the fact that I was deceitful in my actions and in pretending to be forgiving and understanding . I didnot have any other tools .
The 9th Step is where we make amends and it is not saying "I am Sorry" It is owning our part in the madness and changing our responses. This takes time and working all the other steps, with a sponsor in order to respond appropriately.
The 10th Step again very far up on the Step process, asks us to continue to take PERSONNEL Inventory and WHEN WE ARE Wrong promptly admit it.
In the situation you described, how could you have addressed the situation differently and still achieved your goal. That is for you to review and decide. Maybe setting up ground rules before hand would help. But if he is going to sulk, I learned to let it go. I could be HAPPY that he was not talking I could play my music and enjoy my day When he found that I was not upset with he silent treatment stopped.
The program is a process so please keep coming back and sharing
Thanks Betty...think I'm going to have to do this on my own because he doesn't want to reason or cooperate. He would most likely be angry to find out that I'm here because he gets mad and defensive even if I bring up the slightest thing about alcohol. ' I like it here. I'm reading posts by others that help me to understand some yet I know that I have a far ways to go. Over the years my personality has suffered as a result of my husband's drinking and his blow ups at me. I want to become me again and the peaceful laid back person I use to be. It's possible isn't it?
There are many meetings where they have step study. Its very important that we get perspectives on the steps.
This is a big part of the program. I never tried to understand the steps on my own. I needed the help of a sponsor.
Why would you be apologizing for your husbands drinking. Your not part of that. We only apologize for our stuff and our part in it and it takes time to figure that out.
If your not able to make it to a face to face, there are meetings on this board.
Please keep coming back. First step very important; We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable. Thats a good place to start. You have to start taking care of you, not what the alcoholic has to say. He cant even manage his own life, how can he manage yours.
Wishing you courage and wisdom, Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 22nd of September 2010 03:10:35 PM
Dori I am assuming that you dont attend Al-Anon meetings for yourself , working these steps is way too hard to do on your own and for me alone in my own head I can convince myself of almost anything hehe these steps are numbered 1-12 for a reason each one helps guide u into the next .. step one isnt just about drinking to me its , that i have no control over anything or anyone nothing i say is going to change another person when i continue to walk on egg shells i am living in step 2 the insanity of it all .. until i ask for help first from my HP then from my friends in recovery mainly my sponsor . I have learned to apologize for my own behavior but I never apologise for somthing I didn't do , like you I always took responsibilty for everything that went wrong not anymore . Ah the silent treatment I love it , been there done that way too many yrs someone ask me if I had thought of enjoying the silence > I thought she was nuts but had to say ummmm no I hadnt she said think about it if he isnt talking to you hes not complaining , not hollering not undermining decissions etc she said to turn up the music and enjoy.. well I did that and you know the silences didnt last nearly as long as they used to and eventually they stopped completley= be yourself there is no pleasing a practicing alcoholic nothing makes them happy their negativity dosent allow it . I was told by an oldtimmer to please myself then at least one of us would be happy ,that works it also makes me laugh when i am in that kind of situation today. trying to justify or explain to a practicing A is a waste of time and energy , they have already made up thier m inds that your wrong , I learned to simply say You could be right and walk away* this discussion is over .* please find meetings for yourself this board is great but not enough and your missing so much of the program by only comming here . do it for you your worth the effort . Louise.
Thanks Bettina and Louise. I have looked into going to meetings here but they have them too far away from me to make them a reality. I will have to check with them again to see if they have come up with a closer area which I can gain access to. If I can't get there, I will come here and try to get the help from this board.
My sponsor used to (not so gently) remind me that the Steps are numbered for a reason, and we start with number 1.... Sorry, but you appear to be trying to do the shortcut version of the steps - I can't imagine working on steps 8,9, etc, before having thoroughly worked through the early ones (and most of us have to revert back to Step 1 time & time again). Even if you cannot get to meetings, there are Step groups online (including here).
You received other great responses about how 'making amends' does not always mean 'apologizing', per se, and it pretty much NEVER makes sense to apologize for things that we don't believe to be our responsibility or fault - to me, that is a recipe for a "future resentment"....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks Tom, I have been apologizing up till now before I reread the 12 steps today, that is when I became confused, but you are absolutely right, it's back to step 1 for me.
I tried to get on the 12 steps Forum but Log in will not accept my name/password and then it wouldn't accept varification code even though I typed it correctly several times? Can someone help?
I'm sorry I don't know about the verification code. I do have a couple of thoughts about apologizing. Apologizing makes it as if things were our fault -- as if we were in control of things. If we say "I'm sorry Christmas was ruined," it's as if we have the ability to make Christmas perfect or to ruin it. But no one person can do that. No one person has that much control over everything. The first step says that we're powerless over alcohol -- over what our A does with it or doesn't do with it. I think that includes Christmas and whether they have a good time or not.
So taking step 1 into account: we can't control the whole world -- therefore we can't apologize for not controlling the whole world. Does this make any sense?
The point I'm trying to make is that when we admit that we can't control everything, we can stop apologizing for not controlling everything.
I hope that does make sense. A big part of recovery for me has meant beginning to learn what things I'm responsible for, and what things I can't be responsible for.
Totally get where you are coming from. Seemed I spent my whole life aplogizing for things I had no reason to be sorry for and even apologizing for things that happened when I wasn't even around. Growing up I was the family scape goat to what ever happened was my fault. In working the steps ( slowly but surely) There are in fact things I have or haven't done that I need to make ammends for. But I will no longer apologize for instances where i feel I have done the right thing or things I am not respondsible for. I will not apologize for taking care of myself and my needs. As long as I am not hurting anyone in the process..... now the question is if my A is feeling hurt is it because i am no longer feeding into his disease (which is my right) or did I actually commit an injustice. Big difference between the 2. In the instance you stated you were asserting your right and your mothers life to have a peaceful nights sleep. Your A took offense because in his sick minded thinking you were coming between him and his alcohol. No apology nessasary there. Blessings in your recovery
