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He still drinks several times a week. He says I blame him for everything and that there is something wrong with me and that the kids think so too and that I'm selfish. That really hurt but as I was thinking it over, I realized that I've been trying to help my husband and children with their problems almost to the point of dropping at times so I don't think I'm being selfish. When we disagree my husband gets angry and instead of coming to some middle ground he explodes and says that I always get what I want when in fact it is him who gets what he wants in the end. I never realized that I do blame him for everything, unless he misinterprets communication and my opinion as blame He has a very short fuse and explodes if I don't agree with him so it usually works out that I will come around and agree with him just to make peace.
There has been a lot of unrest in our home lately, he drinks several times a week with our son whom I'm worried about as well.
I'm really thinking hard but I can't seem to get it out of my mind. What if I'm driving him to drinking and to the anger and rage he is showing lately.
You didn't Cause it. You can't Control it. And you can't Cure it.
There was a time when I used to think... "if only".
If only I'd said something different, done something different, etc., then maybe he wouldn't drink.
Dori, you are NOT the cause of your A's drinking, and you certainly are not responsible in any way, shape, or form for his anger and rage. You might contribute to it, but ultimately, it's HIS choice to respond the way he does.
I look at it this way. If I'm feeling insecure about myself and not liking myself, if someone came up to me and said something negative to me, I'd fall into despair and make it all THAT person's fault.
But... if I were feeling secure about myself and loving and caring for myself, if someone came up to me and said something negative to me, I'd brush it off and recognize that negative person, perhaps, has some problems but they're not mine.
The thing is, I either choose to take offense or to NOT take offense.
And that's where we're ALL responsible for our reactions to others - the alcoholics included.
Don't take that path of taking responsibility for your A's bad behavior. The disease loves to make it everyone's fault but it's own.
Get to some face to face Al-Anon meetings. You'll start learning how you can change your own behavior to make things easier on yourself.
-- Edited by Aloha on Monday 20th of September 2010 08:54:21 PM
He gets angry saying I always get my way but when I think of all the things we had upsets over, it was me who came into agreement with him to calm him down so it was he who got his way. I'm not selfish. He can't deal with anyone who disagrees with him. He can't take it. He runs for the beer, and so does my son. They both run away from their problems, my husband can't communicate and come to any common ground about decisions making?
What's the point of this marriage? It use to be a shared commitment now he gets angry over everything.
Dori Hi and thank you for your post. Unless you are tying him up and forcing licquor down his throat, your not to blame. This is a very typical theme amongst alcholics to blame everyone for everything and not take responsiblity for their own actions. You cant make him drink anymore than you can make him stop...sheesh it would be so easy if that were the case wouldnt it :) I am glad your here and pls consider going to face to face meetings I think they will really help you with getting clarity on alcholism and yourself as well. We also have some great on line meetings here twice a day...Thanks again and it was good to hear you :) "why does he act this way "...sounds like typical alcholic behavior to me.
-- Edited by DreamXL on Monday 20th of September 2010 10:20:46 PM
It is not your fault, but there is some ownership to be had in it. Before you panic at that statement, let me explain with my experience.
When I first came to Al-Anon I was told about "tools" - detachment, setting boundaries, saying what you mean without being mean etc. At that point I didn't even think I had a toolbox, much less any healthy tools. What I have realized over time is that I sure do have a toolbox, and so did my partner. They were filled with bad tools - tools to hurt others - protect ourselves - tools to blame others for our bad behaviors. I envision these as tasers, guns etc - whereas I view the tools in the healthy toolbox as wrenches, hammers etc.
So - my story. My ex used to say things like your ex did. I was sick and when he came to me I made him sick too! That used to absolutely infuriate me! I WAS NOT SICK! He cheated, lied, blamed - I was INNOCENT! Not so much. He was not healthy when he came to my door and I was not healthy when I let him in.
We did the first take on our relationship and it was horrid. Abusive from both sides just in different flavors. I felt justified that I called HIM bad names that fit his behavior and I was appalled that he would tell me that everyone hated me, even my kid and I was a horrible person. Doesn't matter the behavior or the words - we were both pulling tools out of the unhealthy toolbox with the sole intention of hurting each other. Then there were the times I felt I needed to save him and he felt he needed to save me and we both felt resentments when the other wasn't saved! All unhealthy behaviors. We spent some time apart and in recovery and when we came back together we were much better. But the minute one of us showed old, bad behavior - when he started to obsess, snoop, call incessantly - I also went back to my old behaviors. I called it "detachment" but I totally disconnected and shut him out which drove him even crazier! So, we both went back to our old toolboxes and it ultimately failed.
The point I am trying to make is all we can be responsible for is what toolbox we choose to use. We can't fix, change, save, or make the other person stop drinking or even KEEP drinking. But we do play a part in the relationship and we are responsible for our own actions ONLY. And Al-Anon is here to teach you how to go to the right toolbox. Killing ourselves to make everyone else happy is not the way to go. Put your own oxygen mask on first - then assist others. It is as true on a 747 as it is in life.
Don't buy into it. It is just meant to hurt. It is a tool being used against you. Jump into the program - get a clear grasp on reality and the part you do truly play - and make changes that are possible - and that starts with you!
We are here for you. Please keep coming back.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Thank you all for your replies. Some good advice. I'm still having a hard time accepting that alcohol is making him this way. I know that alcohol is a part of his daily life, so I do share him with alcohol. As far as I know I don't insult him or call him names, but it seems that the normal things that make me ME is what gets to him. We use to be able to sit down and think things out together, now he gets so agitated, almost like it's hurting his brain to have to deal with it or with me? . I've even seen him grab the sides of his head with his hands telling me to stop. We weren't fighting, all I asked him was to consider asking about another option during renovation? He was so angry over this until he found out the other option would benefit us in the long run. There have been many incidents such as this one. He loses it over the simplest things.
oh, by the way, he is a happy drunk, he drinks mostly in the evenings, sometimes in the afternoon depending on what day it is. . It's the next morning that he has a problem with when he is sober.
-- Edited by dori711 on Monday 20th of September 2010 10:57:49 PM
Hi dori. I know for me I need to research to really understand things or to know how things work.
I invite you to search"effects or affects of Alchohol on the Brain." I just did and learned even more!
You know how we feel when we are sick? How we cannot make decisions, we may not have much patience? We plain do not feel good.
The A's body does not feel good, that includes their brain. The body cannot work properly with poison in it. For the alcoholic, alcohol is poison.
I thought it might help you to come to terms with the fact that what anyone else does or says is not our responsibility. When we live with an addict, this horrible disease leaches out into us. We are sick too.
I know for me education made a HUGE difference. I learned how very sick my A was/ is. That nothing he says matters, it is all from a very sick brain.
You cannot make him stop can you? Then what makes you think you are so all powerful that things are YOUR fault?
Al Anon is about making ourselves well, strong. We stop paying attention to what they say or do. We work on our health. As we get healthier we may make changes we are ready for. We learn we are responsible for ourselves and not one else. As we get strong and love us, then we are well enough to care for our kids, jobs and homes.
The A is responsible for their own state.Mine would say I will leave, "there is the door."
I will burn down the house and the barn,"I will be calling the sheriff."
It is your fault, you did this."maybe you are right."
Which in his/her mind they are. YOU know it is the sickness talking.
If he had a brain tumor and said these awful things would you believe him?
We can tell you all the time it is not your fault. But until you get well and realize it for yourself, you won't believe it.
Aloha Dori!! It's impossible for it to be all of your fault....Practice this over and over for 5 minutes at a time and when you have it good...say it out loud to him and then let go. I've done it and it works. ((((hugs))))
Thanks guys and thanks for the hug Jerry. I did a quick search on alcohol and the brain. The alcohol destroys thiamine which leads to death of brain cells. I wonder if this happens if he eats well? He does forget at times, but no worse than I? the worst symptom that he has is anger, agitation. I have learnt to never bring up his drinking. He goes into an instant anger mode and often runs for a drink. I remember that I use to have the same kind of reaction when I use to smoke and someone would mention that I quit. Well, I would feel attacked, would often defend my habit and then I would hide from them and smoke even more. I still think of smoking when under stress, although I no longer smoke.
Sorry you're having a hard time. Even though he is a "happy drunk"...I have learned that alcoholism is a behavioural type. My husband can "act" alcoholically..even if he isn;t drunk. When folks go to AA they tend to get cured of this :)
I was raised in an A home...and have behaviours that, though developed to protect myself then...no longer work for me; like being a doormat. Not so much today :)
Alcohol doesn't just kill brain cells..it kills the spirit. I hope your husband finds his way soon...
My A boyfriend of 8 yrs. now has the personality when he is sober (sometimes) as when he is drunk. It used to be that he would always act and reacty rationally when he was sober, not anymore. He can be a mean drunk verbally abusive and say completely ignorant things. Now I see him doing this when sober at times. Very sad. I try not to listen to him or take it personally because it is all sickness coming out of his mouth, but it is very difficult. It is a progressive disease and as long as they drink they will get worse.
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
"Why do we keep thinking that sick and irrational people (our A's) will behave in healthy and rational ways?"
Seems to me like you are following a familiar pattern to what I struggled with - looking for validation and rational thinking from your A..... If my experience is any indication, it ain't likely gonna happen.....
Please remember that active A's typically act/behave in ways that allow them to remain in their addiction - nothing more and nothing less..... If he can make you out to be the 'bad guy', and turn the blame for his addiction onto you, then he never has to own it.....
The Three C's are soooooo true, even when our A's want us to believe otherwise...
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks again, and yes I know I am trying to rationlize his behavior. I will share this with you, since he is mean when sober there are times I would rather see him drink and be happier and kinder. I know my thinking is not rational at all.
