The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As many of you have read my posts, my AH has really been struggling this past week to put down the bottle. He ended up going back to the ER last Friday night (4th time in one week), and his vitals were so unstable he ended up in the ICU. He's still there. He plans to go into inpatient rehab (again) once he's discharged. I've been helping him thru all of this.
However, I want to divorce. Or, at the very least, a long term separation. That was my plan. I'm just so tired of going through all of this crap. I couldn't find my eyeglass cleaner this morning to clean my glasses. Come to find out, my AH drank it! Who wants to live like this?!?!
The problem is this...I'm all he has. He has no where to go, no where to live, unless it's with me. I feel guilty. But, this is not the life I want. This is not the marriage I want. I really don't think he'll ever be able to be my partner or ever be able to take care of me if I needed him to - sober or not. And that's what I want - a partner, not the equivalent of a child.
Anyone out there had similar feelings or been in a similar situation? What did you do?
Can you get a copy of Getting them sober (offered at the top of the page). Plenty of alcoholics get to the point of alienating everyone around them. For some that is their bottom for others it isn't.
(((stopandchat))) Oh yeah, I can relate! My ah used to spend more time drunk or passed out than he did awake and or sober. I won't go into details, but some of the stuff he did drove me absolutely crazy. Alanon helped me a lot, especially learning to detach. But I knew I didn't want to live my life that way. We can't afford two separate households and I worried and felt guilty about what would happen to him if I left or asked him to leave. So I kept on practicing detachment, repeating the serenity prayer, reading my literature, etc. In the meantime I started making a šplan Bš, figuring out where I would go and how I could support myself if I had to. I'm very happy to say that wasn't necessary. He finally hit bottom. He saw a Dr. who helped him to detox at home. He goes for regular counseling. He's had some slips, but overall he's doing great. I know he wants to be sober and I see the effort that he is making to do so. I've put the whole situation into HP's hands and thank him for every day H stays sober. I realize that this could change any time and I still think about my plan B. I'm pretty sure that if he were to go back to the bad old days of drinking, one of us would have to leave. I won't live my life that way anymore. I don't know if this is any help to you, just my experience.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. They do tend to get to where they've pushed themselves into a corner with few options. But there are sober living houses, and that might well be the best possible environment if he decides that he really wants to make a change. The rehab place will have faced this situation many times before. He can count on them to help him figure out where to go next.
And remember that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. If his only option is being on the streets, you could always do something like set him up in a tiny apartment and just pay his rent direct to the landlord every month and have no contact with him. I wouldn't think that's a great idea for people like us (people in recovery), but just to say that there are all kinds of possibilities in between "have him live with you and cause chaos" and "let him lie in a gutter somewhere."
It was hard for me to leave my AH to his own devices, as his method of living is hand-to-mouth in squalor. Come to find out, though, that he was better at it than he seemed. He's not living in luxury, but he's keeping a roof over his head and he's happy with it. This is after I agonized for months about what would become of him.
I guess it all comes back to that thing about letting their HP at them, and turning our focus back on ourselves.
I've been there. I stayed married the first time for 3 years past the point that I knew I wanted a divorce. I stayed because I felt guilty and like I was all my exAH had - he'd already alienated all of his own family members and all of his friends. I felt like I was all he had left, and that if I left, he wouldn't be able to take care of himself.
In time, for me, I came to understand that my exAH was a 40 year old man that was plenty capable of taking care of himself and plenty capable of dealing with the consequences of his choices. Although I took on the self-appointed role as his caretaker and the one that would never leave no matter what, nobody but me was keeping me in that role.
I've now been divorced from my ex for 4 years. He's still drinking, but he has a car, a job, and a place to live. He's still hand to mouth and is 4 years behind on his child support. But come to find out, he was plenty capable of taking care of himself - he just hadn't had to in a long time because I'd done it for him.
Just my ESH. I agree with the previous reply asking if you've read Getting Them Sober. There is a lot of wisdom in that book.
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Monday 20th of September 2010 01:08:27 PM
Been there. Then he weaned himself off anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs. He then was able to cut back his drinking but is so anxiety-ridden that he can't make it to work and is basically mentally ill. I stayed with him thorugh withdrawal behaviour which included paramois and treating me like dirt (after all, he was SICK). Now I feel extra stuck. At least when he was an active AH, I felt like I had a valid reason to leave and we had the money to do it. Now I would be deserting a mentally ill person, we are facing losing everything we own, he keeps spending money, drinks (denies he is an alcoholic) and I am watching my world fall apart around me. I wish I had left. My kids and I deserve more than this.
Look at me, married for 26 years, wanting to go, but hoping it would get better.
Was a 12 stepper since "87" when I joined the how program of overeaters, then started Alanon in "93", took me awhile to implement the program for myself and still I was stubborn, I wanted the marriage to work.
Long story short and many heartaches, I was able to file for divorce and separate two years ago. He has told me just a few days ago that he will die loving me and regrets all that he did. All after the fact. Im not as romantic as him, I was cured. He is still drinking...after almost dying 3 months ago. He is not the man I met 28 years ago. I asked him a few nites ago, what happened to that man?? When he is sober, which I have only seen glimpses of, I can see that man again.
Thats why I waited so long to finally leave , until I felt I was ready. I didnt want to suffer more from missing him then what the disease brought to me. When I made the decision I felt good. Have had no regrets. Except the regret that he still continues to drink, but that is his decision. Only you can decide. You dont have to do it all at once, it can be overwhelming. One step at a time, One day at a time. Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 20th of September 2010 03:33:05 PM
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 20th of September 2010 03:35:37 PM
