The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have realized while in this program just how happy I want to be and that this disease shatters all hope for that. I am sooo sick of the drama that comes from this and the endless lies and betrayals. Tonight I just realized that I dont have to be this unhappy and that this life was not chosen for me, it was chosen by me and I have the power to end it. I love him, more than I have ever loved myself. I will always love him, but if I stay Im going to wake up one day and realize that I never knew what it was like to be loved and taken care of by someone else. The love I give is the love I hope to find someday. But even if I dont at least I gave that love to myself. I'll miss him more than anything, today will be the hardest day of my life but I think Im ready. Pray for me, give me strength and courage
This is a big decision. My thoughts are with you. If you are like me, this decision has a lot of emotions attached to it. Allow yourself to feel them. For me, I had gotten so used to reacting to the exaH that I realized I didn't even know how I felt about things anymore. Anxious, hurt and angry seemed to dominate my feelings vocabulary at that time. Part of loving myself has become understanding how I feel about things better and responding appropriately. Thankfully I've learned to add peaceful, serene and hopeful to the list over some time.
Do you have a plan be, a plan of all that you need if you are leaving. Planning this kind of immense change out is a good procedure. I did the I'm going to leave today stuff for a long time. In fact at one time a friend offered me a place (which she reneged on). I'm glad I did not have that opportunity at the time as bad as it was. I needed to really have a lot of clarity and certainity in order not to do the revolving door.
I too have thought of leaving more than once, but like marsie says you need to have a plan to make it work. Just today I thought of going to a friend but know I need to get my ducks in order first, as leaving right now without a plan will probably bring me right back home again to more of the same. I am chronically ill, and not employed so my husband supports me. I don't think I could hold down a job in my state but this is one reason I'm still here. I don't know of any resources that would help me. Too, I think I've been tolerant of my husband's drinking and his temper the next day because I know that I'm dependant on him.
