The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Therapy and program have brought some issues to a head for me. One is the looking for approval and deriving self esteem from outside myself (trying to please others so as to be complimented or well thought of by them, judging myself by comparing to others, looking for validation etc.).
It has brought me to some changes that I'm in the process of making: 1. Trying to find what makes me happy and doing it. Playing guitar, cooking, going to places that bring peace or excitement or joy. Things like that. 2. Learning what it means to nurture myself. It was suggested to me in many ways, many times, to treat myself as I'd treat my daughter. To give the same unconditional love, patience, acceptance, etc. I try to use "inner child" visualizations. 3. Learning how to feel (at least besides depressed and anxious). I'm trying to keep a journal of feelings. To randomly during the day right down how I'm feeling and looking for as many adjectives as I can, as well as Identify physical feelings: sweaty palms, tight stomach etc.
Had a situation yesterday that I felt good about, and then realized it was because I got external validation again...not that anything is wrong with receiving it and liking it, but I had to ask myself....if they had criticized/rejected/ignored me....could I still walk away feeling good about myself.
I have to work on this....that and the feeling of constant loneliness. I'm very aware now that I can't attract healthy people in my life unless I'm healthy. Of course I want all this by yesterday......but actually seeing SOME progress.
So pleased you have made some progress with therapy and the programme, mjhyankees.
Your comment: "I'm very aware now that I can't attract healthy people in my life unless I'm healthy ...." made me think. Don't worry about being 10% OK before making friends. How many of us perfect? How many of us are untouched by what has gone on in our lives? Just be open and willing to listen to others and care about their problems and you will find you will make friends, people who care about you.
So pleased you are here. Your cyber family cares about you very much but do put effort into real-life family and friends.
What great awareness you have found in such a short time. When I first started this program it took me a good deal of time to realize that my whole life my happiness had been based on if I was making other people happy. If my husband was happy I was happy, If my children were happy I was happy, If i was praised at work I was happy ... you get the picture. Here I truly had to learn that happiness was an inside job I had to learn to earn respect for myself instead of looking for it in outside sources. This was terribly difficult for me as when I got down to the nitty gritty I honestly didn't know who I truly was. I knew how I acted in front of others...I was like a performer becoming different people or putting on a different persona depending on what person I was dealing with. All my life I was someone's daughter, sister, wife, mother, aunt etc but I had no idea who the true me was. This is what I am working on now as I try to start my step 4 work. I am finding I really don't like the person I was and I am not sure of the person I am going to become. Scary stuff But ever so grateful for my alanon family who watch and guide me ( along with HP) to become the person I was meant to be. I am not young...middle age so change is difficult...but I am enjoying the journey finding out what I like and dont like and doing what makes ME feel good about myself. Kudos to you on your progress
thanks...I was in therapy and alanon 10-15 years ago for several years so I'm not exactly a newbie...that said, I forgot alot. And I'll give myself some credit...I"ve always had very good insight into myself and the ability to be honest with myself. At least in the negative sense (I could honestly find my faults quite easily.) Now I'm learning to be honest about my strengths and not minimize them.
