The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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Hello everyone! I am new at all of this. I'm not new at living with an alcoholic but I'm new at admiting it. I am an only child of two alcoholic parents. One who is a quiet drinker and one who is a loud drinker who doesn't hide it. I am now an adult with a family of my own and realizing how unhealthy it is!!! Not that I didn't before but when you become a "mama bear" you realize that you need to protect your family. I have finally confronted my Mother (the loudest alcoholic) about her drinking and it has EXPLODED!!! It has caused a seperation so to speak because all she is doing is trying to find another reason why we are having problems. We have been dealing with this all summer, it started with abusive phone calls, then abusive ambushes in my home(infront of my children), and finally abusive weekly emails. I desperatly want my children to have contact with their grandparents and for me to have my parents but we can't live like this. They refuse to admit any wrong doing and continue to bring up the past at everything I have done or said that is wrong even back to when I was a child. I have told them that I would love for them to communicate with us about the children or us but there will be no more fighting. It is getting to the point where I want to change all of my contact info. I feel like I am morning the loss of my parents as though it was a death however every week there is a new ambush that brings all the feelings back. I am having a really hard time staying strong and I just don't know what to do!! Thanks for letting me ramble and I'm glad that I have stumbled upon this site. I am currently seeing a therapist which helps as well.
Jens Hi and thank you for your post and welcome :) You sure are in the right place and were glad you found us too. It was interesting when you said, you have finally confronted your mom with her drinking and she is trying to find another reason as to why you are having problems. This is her denial shouting. Im glad that your reaching out and will find tons of experience, strength and hope (esh) within these boards and we have on line meetings as well...The three C's is what comes to mind "you didnt cause it, you cant cure it, and you cant control it"...but what you can find are some new coping skills and tools for dealing with it. Glad your here and thank you again...:)
Dealing with their behavior is one thing, dealing with ourselves is another. You will eventually learn how to cope with their behavior, set boundaries, protect yourself (physically and emotionally). Then working on how you've been damaged by it all will take some work. You're going in the right direction it sounds like. Keep coming back, get to face to face meetings, read the literature. I still struggle with much of this but I'm seeing alight at the end of the tunnel.
Jens, I am also glad you found this site. I came to it because I am struggling with an alcoholic hsband but my Mother, who died 20 years ago, was an alcoholic and I wish this site had been in existence then. My mother was a master manipulator and could somehow make me feel everything was my fault. Moral blackmail was her forte. I just wish I could have spoken to someone then. Mum's problems with alcohol dependance did not become apparent to me until I was in my late teens but they stil affected me deeply. When she died (from lung cancer having been a life-long smoker) I was clearing out her things and found, under her bed, several AA books. I was astonished. I never thought she had even acknowledged she had a problem.
Now I have an alcoholic husband (married for 38 years but alcohol dependance has maifested itself in last 6-8 years). I was becoming very depressed when I decided I needed help. Unfortunately no Al-Anon group near me but, like you, I have seen a counsellor which was a great help - and I found this board and the chat room. It is no exaggeration to say it has been alife-saver. I have found people who know exactly what have been/am going through and who have been so supportive. I do have lovely real-life friends who are wonderful but my cyber family is here all hours, 365 days a year and I am so grateful to each and everyone of them.
I do hope you find the help you need and deserve both here and in face to face meetings, too. We will be rooting for you!
hello and welcome , please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself you need support educate yourself about the disease of alcoholism forget what u think you know ab0ut this disease . You will find young people like yourself who grew up in this disease who will share thier own recovery with you .. they are your parents I know u love them learning to set boundaries for your relationship with them will help alot . cutting them out of your life will cause all of u alot of un necessary pain and anguish . altho sometimes I do realize it is necessary for saftey reasons . therapy and our program work great together , You are the child of an alcoholic and you too have to recover . Al-Anon prints a daily reader for Adult children of Alcoholics it is called Hope for today . all sharrings are by adult children you will find yourself in that book and solutions to your delima . Please find meetings for your families sake , your worth the effort .. Louise
Hi and welcome, Jen, from another only child of two alcoholic parents!
Make that an adult child who continues to choose alcoholics (albeit recovering ones) as intimate partners.
I ended up with so many deeply ingrained patterns of unhealthy feelings, thoughts and behaviours from growing up in an alcoholic home -- sometime I feel as if I'll never get to the bottom of them all. When I left their home at age 17, I just thought that being out of that environment was enough to "fix" all my problems, and didn't realize I carried a lot of very flawed blueprints in my head. I'm so happy that I started going to Al-Anon, because I recognize how badly I need recovery of my own.
I would also recommend the Al-Anon book From Survival to Recovery which focuses on ACoA issues.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
hello and welcome , please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself you need support educate yourself about the disease of alcoholism forget what u think you know ab0ut this disease . You will find young people like yourself who grew up in this disease who will share thier own recovery with you .. they are your parents I know u love them learning to set boundaries for your relationship with them will help alot . cutting them out of your life will cause all of u alot of un necessary pain and anguish . altho sometimes I do realize it is necessary for saftey reasons . therapy and our program work great together , You are the child of an alcoholic and you too have to recover . Al-Anon prints a daily reader for Adult children of Alcoholics it is called Hope for today . all sharrings are by adult children you will find yourself in that book and solutions to your delima . Please find meetings for your families sake , your worth the effort .. Louise
Cutting them out is definitely a last resort! My children and I are having a hard time with the ambushes and verbal abuse. Please don't think I would cut them out just because. It is actually harder to cut them out then just take it but I have to think of my children. The boundaries have been set and disrespected :(
I remember my first confrontation of my first a's in the family.
My father said he always had a "virus" and he "never drank *like that*!* .
My other family member said "Our family was not alcoholic or dysfunctional," now I understand that she was a "functioning" alkie/dysfunctional. Alanon and ACA have taught me that.
Also, dealing with ongoing abuse is esp. hard. For me, it can really drain me and make quickly forget what I've learned here if I'm not careful and mindful.
Coming to meetings and sharing and reading these boards keeps me in reality.
