The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As many of you know, my life is dedicated to trying to provide a safe haven for alcoholics, addicts and their families who have a desire to recover; Both online with the MIP web site and here in Wilmington, NC with the MIP recovery homes.
Well, this past Friday I came home to find the police (7 cars) in front of my personal home, because someone I accepted into the recovery homes Thursday evening (the night before)decided to relieve me of my 60 in. Palsma HD TV, Rose's laptop, ipod, numerous DVD's, and most everything else of value that I have in the home. In short, "suddenly, the thought crossed his mind" that he would burglarize my personal home.
The good news is... He was caught within an hour because a neighbor saw what he was doing and called 911 and then approached him. He ran leaving my stuff where he was stockpiling it outside the home. Upon my being given the description I suspected it might be this person, informed police, they picked him up, after he stole a bicycle from the recovery house as a get away vehicle and tried to leave the area on it. They brought him back to the house and the neighbor ID'd him as the burglar.
Today he sits in jail with 3 felony charges, and all my belongings are back in my home.
My frustration and hurt stems from the fact that now, after years of treating alcoholics and addicts as valuable human beings, inviting literally hundreds of them into our home, to interview them, watch MIP orination video, to discuss issues they might be having in the course of early recovery, etc., this one individual has seemingly wiped out my trust. This is what was stolen from me that I'm still struggling to get back.
A young man in the recovery house said to me Sunday, "I am pissed off, not because your house was hit, but because I remember how honored I felt to be invited and welcomed into your home, when the rest of the world had asked me to leave theirs, and in that experience I got the dose of hope that I needed that showed me what the future could hold for me. I could have all those nice goodies one day myself, if stayed plugged in, worked the program and didn't pick up. Because of this A-hole, many others won't get what I and many others have gotten from you. Being trusted by someone made me want to honor it, I wanted to live up to your obvious expectations of me, and one of them was I could be trusted again."
Well, let's face it folks, I don't deal with the cream of the crop in the trust and honesty industry. But I don't want to start treating the people I love and care so much about (alcoholics and addicts, who are merely a reflection of me as one) as second class citizens either. I want each person to be able to stand on their own merit as an individual, and not give them all the stamp of being substandard beings that I will no longer have in my personal home, because of one individuals actions.
Now we get to the insanity part. Do I keep doing what I have always done and expect different results in the future?
Today I feel pretty violated, victimized, and wounded, so does my wife. We both agree that what I do doesn't need to be changed but possibly how I do it does. Yet in me, to alter the way I live my life; when, where and how I will help someone means this person has stolen something more valuable from me than all my material belongings. It's my trust and faith in the inherent goodness of people who suffer from this f** d up diease.
After the man was brought out of the police car and the neighbor id'd him, a part of me wanted to run over to him and hug him with boths hands around his neck, and another part of me was saying...
"But by the Grace of a loving God... there go I".
I remember when someone in recovery threw their car keys to me one day and asked me to go to the store to get some bread and a pack of cigarettes. I thought, "they don't know me very well". I had a history of wrecking peoples cars, getting them impounded, or leaving them at less than honorable places, with less than honorable people as collatorol. And I remember the hope and joy that was instilled in me that day. That I could be trustworthy, that I had a chance to live a life of integrety, that never again did people have to hide their car keys from me. This experience, was one of several in my very early days that caterpilted me into recovery with excitement, enthusism, ambition...
So, I am a bit confused as to where to go with this situation inside of me. Externally everything is as it should be, but internally I'm still frustrated and hurt to the point of mental and emotional illness and I really don't want to start throwing up on the many good people that cross my path in a day by treating any one as less than, not good enough, or as inferior beings in my almighty world.
God, please help me heal quickly before I vomit on the shoes of those standing closest to me. I really don't want to share my pain, by inflicting it on others.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Hello John, all I can offer really is that I would feel exactly the same as your feeling and more, what we need to remember here though is that this was just one person just the one, and it is the very nature of the decease, it wasn't a personal attack it wasn't even about you, but I know that doesn't help right now because it was your home and your trust that was violated, just shows me that sadly people will do whatever they do regardless of anything we do or are about,in our efforts to try and help, I hope as your frustration subsides the weight of all the tons of people that don't violate you and love and respect all that you are and do will keep you strong and focussed, just reminds me how vile and selfish this thing called alcholism really is!
I am sorry, from personal experience I know exactly how you are feeling right now. And with the added worry of how to conduct your mission in life in the future would add so many emotions to sift through. After years of watching my treasures disappear and then getting my own home, experiencing the safe feeling of everything being there everyday when I came home there came a time to give a friend a key for emergency and other purposes. You know, it is a very small thing for most people to do but for me it was HUGE and still is. Stealing is definitely a part of this disease sometimes, but the experience you shared of how it feels to be trusted by someone meant alot to me as I read it. I hope my xah recieves that from someone who is able to give that to him when he is ready for it. It is perfectly natural to be having the feelings you are, and it is your right and responsibility to provide safety for yourself and your belongings. I'm sorry your trust and life was shaken. I know with some thought you will find a way to feel safe and comfortable again.
I don't know you or what you do, but it sounds just awesome! And I think that person was probably so desperate and blind to what he was being given that he couldn't do the right thing. I am glad they caught him and that you still have all of your things. I would meditate on it and try to process what happened. Maybe you will have to do things a little differently and meet new prospects at the recovery house instead? Take care, you do wonderful things.
I am sorry that this had to happen to you and Rose - the good thing is, he was caught.
The first thing that came to my mind as I read what happened is a song and a phrase that I am sure many are familiar with...and that is : "One Bad Apple Don't Spoil the Whole Bunch"...
The second thing that comes to mind is: "Do what you Love, Love what you do, and everything will work it's way through"...
Remember the Three C's - and also remember that the ratio of successes you and Rose have had are indicative to "Good"....you hit a bump, a snag...maybe HP is suggesting in this turbulance - to take a look at the whole picture...and do a little bit of touch up painting on some of those 'discoloring spots'.
May you both find some peace of mind and comfort during this time of discord...no one is impervious to bumps in the road to recovery - it only teaches us strengths, integrity and capabilities that we initially did not and could not imagine.
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...He compared his weathered hand to mine and said, ... GROWTH OF THE MIND AND HEART are the best offers you can give.my Grandfather (Keeper of Stories), to me
John Hi, Lacewing and I heard the same song :) the only thing I would like to add to the many insights given to your post is... I know its your home and a huge violation and by no means am I undermining that....please do not let the actions of one person taint your faith in others. It is just a reminder of how cunning and baffling this disease is. One person in the big picture of the scheme of things, is just that one person. All the people that have benefited from your trust, respect, kindness and love cannot take that away.........ever :) thank you John :)
I am sorry you were so violated by a young man you were so lovingly trying to help. I think in some way most of us can relate to your feelings on a smaller levels as our A's stole and cheated us until we caught on. I know my own personal feelings when I found our son was stealing and forging checks from us and jewlery came up missing. It is hurtful when you think you can trust someone and you find out you can't. Clearly this young man wasn't ready for the miracle you were ready to give him. Looking at it in a different perpective I am wondering if this incident was meant to happen. First of all using a bike as a "get away" vechicle is not even plausible to a healthy mind. Your neighbor happened to see this happining and instead of turning a blind eye called 911, the young man was found and arrested, now charged with 3 felonies and sure to do jail time. All your possesions left at the scene. Was HP working in such a way that will insure the young man will endure the natural consequeses of his actions. This may be the road to "his bottom". I know thats not a consolation for what you have endured, I don't know the answer to where you go fro here. What I do know is You and Rose so selflessly give of yourselves to help those in need I believe with prayer HP will give you the answers you are looking for. Please don't discount all the good you have done because on sick young man wasn't ready to claim his miracle. My prayers are with you and Rose Blessings
I've never experienced burglary, but during my divorce, my husband tried to take everything that he could, and destroy my reputation in the process. One day, he came over to the house. I must have just finished with meditation because I was very peaceful and unafraid ... and in a moment of clarity I asked him in a very calm manner, "would you like my coat and my purse too..?" (I felt very detached from my coat and purse that day, LOL) He looked at me for a very long time. I don't recall if he actually said anything, but I think he had a moment of clarity too, things improved after that
I knew he was living in the fear that he would have "nothing" after the divorce, and in that moment I felt great compassion for him. He was actually mirroring back to me what I was feeling too! I had been told, that if I were to respond in fear, I would only have increased the fear in the world. Love conquers fear it certainly did that day.
My material world has changed dramatically since the divorce, and I have to rely on the faith that my "real home" is not in this old rented apartment I live in now, or in the things I've had to let go of, like my 3000 sq. ft. home in a gated community and half of my beautiful objects I had collected for 26 years. My experience is challenging me to make a deeper commitment to live in the spiritual plane, and to look at all those attachments that prevented me from doing that. My sponsor helped me to see.... all the things I ever had, including our income, our home and all our possessions... were Gifts from my HP, they weren't even mine to begin with, I had just borrowed it all and I will die without all this stuff, none of it can come with me. She would ask, are your attachments building a relationship with HP, or destroying it?
But I dont always feel it, it can be a long way from my head to my heart. I recently went to a meeting in a fit of fear and cried, "I've lost everything." After the meeting, an old timer came up to me and said, "be careful what you say... look at everything you've gained." When I saw the sparkle in his face I knew.
Of course, my real wealth... is my faith and ability to be a channel for HP, which I can only maintain by doing exactly what you're doing... turning to this fellowship and using all the tools Ive been given, my spiritual food.
I cannot know what you should do for you and your family. Perhaps step 11 and the Prayer of St. Francis will offer some clarity. For me, it's so difficult to get still with my higher power during a time of trauma... That is my prayer for you today, that you can get still and to the other side of this painful experience. (((hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Is it possible that this event will be that person's "bottom" and that it might prompt him to be more serious about sobriety? Not an excuse, but it may help you understand why your HP would allow this to occur.
First, I would like to thank you for your service. What you have done for alcoholic/addicts is pretty amazing. How wonderful that they have somebody like you in their corner. The most important gifts that you have given these people is the gift of hope and trust. That isn't given easily to an alcoholic/addict.
Second, it kind of falls back to the bully on playground, ruins it for all the kids.
I can't tell you what to do.... but I will say... follow your heart.
I think you have to look at it as in all the years of your giving, how many times has this happened??
I know it must have been pretty upsetting to find your personal belongings gone.
The thing is for all your continued work and service, you were rewarded by getting everything back. I believe in the Universal Law of cause and effect. Also in this life we win and lose at the same time. Because you make such good causes you were able to recover everything. All your efforts will be rewarded now and in the future with blessings and good fortune.
I am so sorry you have experienced this and are hurting because of it.
Xeno said everything I wished to say.
I think in time, with the love of your family and fellowship, you will work through these feeling of hurt and lost trust and find the path that works best for you. What you are feeling is natural and we sometimes just need to sit with it and let it be what it is before the answers come.
As a double winner I know what it is to be in the thick of insanity as do you. Hopefully that experience helps us look on those still suffering with compassion and understanding - after the negative feelings have run their course. But the answer to what future risks you are willing to take based on this are something you will need to achieve with your HP and Rose. It sounds as though there is much love, support, and success in your endeavors to help those still suffering. Hopefully this one person's actions will not prevent others from receiving that same support. But if it does - it is 100% your right to make that choice to keep your family safe and no one can judge you for it.
You two are angels and if there were more like you in the world we would all be much better off.
Thank you so very very much for everything that you do.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
John.... I can definitely empathise with you and your plight on this one, but please don't let this one event sway you from the bigger picture, and all the good that you do in your recovery homes, providing the service of MIP, etc... The good FAR outweighs the bad....
Your post reminded me of two things....
One was the "Anyway" poem attributed to Mother Teresa - along the lines of "life is challenging, people will complain, but do good "anyway".... etc...
The other was a saying that I always thought was pretty hilarious: "Thinking that life will always treat you fair is kind of like thinking the tiger won't eat you because you are vegetarian".... :)
Take care, and I am glad that you do all the things you do...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
John , I can find little to add to what the others have said in their replies. I'm sorry, very sorry, for your trauma on Friday. I would be angry and hurt too. Although in the long run that incident may be but a blip on the screen, I would look for ways to ensure my personal security, and I'll bet you will come up with a NEW plan that encompasses your and Rose's safety as well as a large degree of your innate desire to trust. We can forgive, but forgetting , well that's another story. Thank you for your extraordinary service to people we don't know and even so continue to pray for their serenity and yours as well.
One of the things I've learned from my sponsor is to give it over to God and keep giving it to God when I'm in a place where I'm expending a LOT of energy on the situation at hand. It's important for me to let that energy subside before I can be sure that whatever decisions I'm making are being done logically and not emotionally... ie: respond instead of react.
Some things may take a lot of time for the energy to die down.
The glory of the Al-Anon program is that it's taught me I do not have to jump up and do anything about anything NOW. I can pause and let God come in and then make better decisions that way.
I'm sorry for your trust being stolen. I've been through it, too - with my AH cheating on me with multiple people. The week I first discovered his infidelity, I was devastated. I felt like I had died... in fact I really wouldn't have objected to being hit by a bus because then I'd at least not be going through what I was feeling.
I just emphasize - you don't have to do a darn thing right now. You don't even have to decide you're going to make any decisions now.
Give it time and space.
In Al-Anon we're encouraged to wait an extended period of time - sometimes six months to a year - before making any major life-changing decisions. This decision you may or may not be making may have that big of an impact on how you run your life with MIP, so give yourself some time and be gentle with yourself.
Hello John - I know that u know this was not personal , your house was handy knowing that you were busy elsewhere , an addict will do what he has to do to get what he needs his disease dosent care that you may have saved his life it laughs at those of us who try to help. I am glad everything was recovered from your home , now its your turn Frustrated I get- your home was violated someone went thru your personal things I too have been robbed and its not pleasant , but the feeling does pass. When I was robbed it prompted us to install a sercurity alarm system which we should have done long before we were broken into . As you have already stated perhaps interviews should only be done at your houses not your private home that is one thing u can do differently. On a positive note neither of you were home when this occured , a desperate addict could have caused alot of problems if you had gotten in the road of what he needed. Louise
Dear John: I am over one year out from having a check stolen by a neighbor. I know it was certainly stolen by someone who knows me. I certanly felt violated, distrustful and angry. I'm one year out from it and still deaing with it in some ways. All I would say is don't hurry along the process. Let it be. You have a right to take time to take care of you and your needs. You have a right to think long and hard before going back to "normal".
I've been burgalized more than once and I know I felt shock, horror and fear. I felt vulnerable and alone.
I think whatever this man did is answerless. For some things it is best to give up finding the answers. He was probably impulsive as so many with this disease are.
The ex A who I lived with for 7 years ended up stealing from his employer. He could justify it in his resentment and play it down. I don't think he was ever caught. His disease had progressed so that all the people who were his friends were now his betayers. He had got to the point where there was no morality left. Some people get to that space and its probably pretty hard to come back from it.
I do think boundaries are a good idea. I don't necessarily think they are depriving anyone of anything. My boundaries are pretty solid with certain people and I don't find it as hard to hold to them as I used to. Certainly you provide plenty for many many people, a message board, a home, a chance if they want one. That is far far more than anyone else gives that I know of. I know in the face of this disease so many of us think we have to "give" and make room. Sometimes we have to make room for ourselves in there, healing takes time it isn't going to happen overnight. This kind of thing is a process and I would encourage you to let it be that a process rather than feel you must rush to get back to the way it was.
One thing about my working with kids at risk was, I learned not to let them know where I lived. I used to give them rides home. Stopped that too.
We need to remember these are very sick people. They do not think like we do. There is no respect, no boundaries, they have no emotions about "stuff." It is only means to an end.The diseases desires.
Does not matter what you give a sick biting dog, you put your hand out, it will bite you. Simple.
When a person is a giver sometimes they forget boundaries themselves. Then they get hurt. I too am thankful you guys were not home, your home did not get burned down or worse.
To me we MUST keep our personal lives our own. You put HUGE value on things you love, I have seen that. From your animals, your ventures, and you were, and are so happy about meeting and marrying Rose. You must protect things you care about from that which you have a passion for.
What I see in your share is pure emotion. It is NOT emotional. It is stuff. It was not personal, your heart, your life and Roses life are very ok.
I know it feels like you, your person was violated. But possibly step back and look at it from someone who does not live there, is not your stuff. The most valuable things you have are intact, and safe.
When you get those revenge feelings, I know for me, I learned to say,"revenge is not my job." Which I believe it is not. Those negative thoughts make you sick, serve NO purpose.
Right here on YOUR MIP I learned we learn when things are the worst. Just think of the lesson here! Now you can do what needs to be done to protect your home and your things that help you to do what you do.
We have bumped heads big time, but I know you better than most, been here longer than most. Have seen you grow and give. I know you and Rose will make sure you continue what you do, but now learned not to bring it into your precious home, that you deserve to be safe in. It is OK not to share everything.
Not everyone, sick people, think like you do now John or did. Some people are just thiefs that are A's. Not all A's are nice people remember.
I have faith you will heal and stop that negative thought process and just say,"well I learned from this one! The disease just taught me something else."
I just had one addendum to add to my post. I was thinking about your residents reaction to the potential loss of future residents access to your home. One thing I have had to learn in my own recovery is there are no guarantees to anything. There is no guarantee to my health, job, home, world anything. There was never a guarantee that the people you are devoted to would be able to access your home anyways. I think that acceptance is a very important part of recovery and the beginning of finding responsibility.
Six months after Tim passed away I was robbed of all of my family jewelry - never to be found because it was melted down. This was a friend of ours whom Tim had said she was like a sister to him. I too felt violated in so many ways. I feel what you and Rose are going through. It is not fun. I am glad you still have your things. I am glad that you & Rose were not in any physical danger.
I remember writing my victim's impact statement to the judge. I told him about how I felt violated. That not only did she steal my things but my family's memories as well as my emotional well being. Yes I redirected my frustration at people who didn't deserve it. It got ugly at times. Talk about having to make those tough amends.
Like Abbyal said these feelings do pass. She didn't take my life away. I admit there are times when I go to my jewelry box looking for a certain piece and when I realize it isn't there I get upset again. But then again the feelings subside. I also have come to realize that while my nieces may never have pieces of their grandmother, I can still tell them about her.
So she may have stolen my material things, and yes, I trust a little more slowly, but she didn't steal me. The same way this person hasn't stolen the heart and soul of you and Rose. Both of you will come back from this. Maybe this will be his wake up call. Maybe the other residents need to tell him how they feel about what he did. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. Nothing you can do about it. How many times have we heard that? However I've always said that I hate this disease not the people who have it. It is because of them that I am stronger and better off. It sounds counter intuitive, but it's true.
This is life on life's terms. If you look at my post about choices and Christy's reply to it, I think changing the nail might be in order. Slowly as your house rebuilds then you can decide if you want to add on. You & Rose have done so much good. You really have no idea how many lives you have changed. It's pretty remarkable. One person's bad choice can't take that away from you. You called this place Miracles in Progress for a reason. Well the miracles are still working and still happening. You'll get your life back. Right now it's a little off kilter. (Welcome to my world.)
Take a deep breath. Give yourself a break when you react in a way you may not want to. It's okay. All will be well. I have great faith in you and Rose. Let the miracles continue. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am so very sorry that this hass happened. Your heart is so fullof love and compassion for everyone who is seeking help. The contribution you have made to the recovery of so many around the world cannot be measured. I understand the deep pain of betrayal that you feel. Praying for your peace.
