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My therapy sessions and homework assignments from them (yes, can you believe it? ) has made me think about my feelings alot. I've discovered some things about that.
1. I'm so used to being depressed or anxious or angry, that when I'm not feeling those things I feel pretty numb. Not completely so, but I'm not feeling any intensity of positive feelings...numb is a pretty close description. Not that I don't laugh or feel good at various things during the day, but just a general feeling.
2. My mind is very analytical (gee could ya tell? ) and this sometimes benefits me and other times is a detriment. Case in point. I was feeling anxious before last few therapy sessions, therapist asked me why? Now I'd thought about all the reasons I COULD be anxious (she was sure I knew the reason and was reluctant to talk about it) and all the things that could MAKE me anxious....I even settled on the most likely reason.....but never really FELT that was the reason. My response made sense to her and we kind of left it that we "agreed" on the reason.....but now I'm not so sure....I analyzed a good answer....but I didn't really feel it.
I now believe this is a common issue with me. I know people pleasing is a piece of this but the net effect is that I often do or feel what I think I SHOULD be feeling at a given time. NOt so sure it's true all the time, not feeling it.
Even my gratitude lists: they are filled with things I SHOULD be grateful for (like my health and good job)...I'm not so sure I really FEEL grateful....I'm not sure I feel ANYTHING about them. It's like my head is telling me what I should be feeling but the heart doesn't feel it...a real disconnect.
Now, I've come to believe that if I'm having trouble feeling now, then it will get better as I keep working. I have to remember that a few months ago, I couldn't really feel sadness either....until I started bawling my eyes out in several therapy sessions.
Also I've come to the belief that some of the rotten things I tell myself about myself (not being good enough, a failure, my life stinks etc.)...I'm not sure I really believe. That I may have a motive for saying that about myself and telling others (like a therapist, alanon friend etc) when I think like that. Could it be for attention? See there my brain goes again, processing the LIKELY reasons, but I dont FEEL it.
I have a hunch others can identify with a disconnect like this?
I think the compulsive negative self talk originates in child hood and is a defence against helplessness. If I were to admit then my parents were totally out of control my anxiety would be unmanageable. To think I had something to do with it was a surivvial mechanism. As a rather basic one it no longer works.
I don't think there is any secondary gain at all in beating yourself to a pulp.
I agree that it begins in childhood. Whether it was from abuse, or being the child of an alcoholic or drug abuser, or family dysfunction of another sort, that little voice in our head (not a crazy voice) has gotten to be pretty loud by adulthood. Any time I am away from my kids that voice says to me "You are abandoning your kids just like your biological father abandoned you, just like your mom let you go with child molesters..." oh what a voice. That voice can say so many things and that is why I have to sleep with my ocean sounds machine on because it helps drown out that voice just a bit. I know where you are coming from. I have been working on this myself. Just take it day by day. You are progressing :)
Hi and thank you for your post. I think losing touch with our feelings and not being able to even identify them or being in a numb mode is one of the effects of growing up with addicted parents or living with addiction. Personally, growing up in dysfunction how I felt didnt matter, and if I did speak up I would hear things like..."oh, thats not true, or or you shouldnt feel that way, etc"...as a child you begin to doubt your own feelings and that develops into a lack of self trust which carries into adulthood. I found it very difficult to be grateful for anything upon arrival as well. For me, I discovered that I spent most of my life so focused on tomorrow and worrying and projecting about the future that I lost all sight of the current day. I had heard the saying one day at a time a million times pre alanon and it made no sense to me. If I didnt worry who would? I see now how it gave me a false sense of control, like if I could think of every possible outcome of a situation I would be prepared for when it happened. Talk about living in the future, its really not a wonder I couldnt find a thing to be grateful for. Like you I new intellectually, but emotionally I didnt feel it. Try to keep in mind we dont get like this overnight, and we wont get fixed over night either, but little by little, day by day if we work the program things change. Our perceptions start to change and for me this allowed me to get in touch with my feelings. Hang in there and keep working it...blessings your way :)
My question to you is are you on anti-depressants? If the answer is yes than know that one of the effects of anti-depressants is feeling numb. not really caring about anything on any kind of deep level. like not total sadness or total happiness. I say this because i am pretty sure I was for years on one anti depressant or another and the numbness was the one constant in all of them. I finally took myself off everything when I found alanon. Please note...I am NOT telling you to stop any medications you may be taking. Only that if you are taking anti-depressants thats kind of what they are designed to do. No big lows, no big highs just kinda numb. I did what was what I thought was right for me at the time and it worked out. But I needed that numbness for a long time in order to function. I would bring this up with your therapist. Just thought I would give you a different perpective on what you may be feeling.
I have those numb feelings too. My interpretation of my own is that I learned to numb myself out to escape the terrible feelings. But you can't selectively get numb; it flattens out the good ones too. I've had that same experience of making those gratitude lists and thinking, 'Yeah, all these are good things, but I don't really feel them. I know they're good in my mind, but I feel nothing."
One thing someone said to me helped: "Happiness is losing everything you have, and then getting it all back." When I imagine losing the things I take for granted, and trying to go on without them, and then getting them back again, I realize that I really am blessed in so many ways.
Another thing I try to do is to notice when I appreciate something (a view, a meal, a conversation) and really focus on that. Sometimes it's not even one thing a day -- heck, sometimes it's not even one thing a week. But you gotta start from where you are. It's interesting seeing that I do have moments of deep good feeling, even if they're short and rare.
I hope yours will become more apparent to you too as you move forward.
My sponsor asked me to write many a gratitude list and I wondered where she was coming from as I felt everything was wrong.
Recently I learned another way to do this because my sponsor will certainly ask me for what I've come up with! Simply list everything you love. I certainly have a long long list of that, no matter what is going on I do love certain things.. and places and ...the list is pretty long.... That becomes a gratitude list and reminds me life is not totally dark. I can't help but be lifted up by that because I can't make it a if only issue.
) has made me think about my feelings alot. I've discovered some things about that.
) and this sometimes benefits me and other times is a detriment. Case in point. I was feeling anxious before last few therapy sessions, therapist asked me why? Now I'd thought about all the reasons I COULD be anxious (she was sure I knew the reason and was reluctant to talk about it) and all the things that could MAKE me anxious....I even settled on the most likely reason.....but never really FELT that was the reason. My response made sense to her and we kind of left it that we "agreed" on the reason.....but now I'm not so sure....I analyzed a good answer....but I didn't really feel it.