The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Why, when the breakdown of a relationship is due to their A issues, do they always act so hurt when you point it out? Perhaps it's not correct to do so but, when it's so obvious that the A is trying to turn the tables to take the focus off them, sometimes, I can't hold back.
It pisses me off and I have to say something.
Why is this that they feel compelled to do this?? Even when I point it out and he acknowledges it as bad behavior only to DO IT AGAIN! Drives me nuts.
I am so grateful that I found this program 3 yrs before my husb sought sobriety , and most of my stuff had been talked thru with a sponsor or in a meeting , I learned from recovering alcoholics that they are so full of guilt and shame that the last thing my husb needed was for me to keep reminding him of the mistakes he made in the past ,that also works both ways I will not listen to things that happend in the past and I have made amends for and have changed the behavior . the past is gone its never going to change .. I still some days after along time in recovery have the urge to just let him have it , telling him the many ways he hurt me in the past but I know it would do more damage than good .I would end up feeling terrible and I am not doing that to myself anymore .my husb will never truly understand how his behavior affected my life anymore than I will understand his compulsion to drink. I learned to take responsibiltiy for my part in our relationship I made alot of mistakes and came to the conclusion that my husband did nothing to me that I didnt allow over and over again . I know I am not the reason he drank his drinking had nothing to do with me . One of the best pieces of advice i got here was to take my problems to a meeting or a sponsor and come home with a solution .
When I first heard the words that I needed to take responsibility for my part in in the relationship my thinking was....no way I'm not the problem. Her drinking is causing all the problems. I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it, and I couldn't cure it. What could possibly be my part in it? As I continued to go to meetings and worked the steps it became clear that I did have a part in it. Because she was an Alcoholic didn't mean she was always wrong and I was always right. She had a disease and that didn't give me any right to put her down "in my mind" consciously or unconsciously.
Oh, there are many times I want to react to the disease, but I try to count to three and tell myself.....don't react, or ask myself how important is it?......sometimes I have to count to ten. But 90% of the time when I don't react I win. Why? Because I save my serenity. Not at first, but in the long run not reacting makes the same point as reacting.
Silence is golden for me, even sometimes when it makes my tongue bleed.
RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 14th of September 2010 11:00:11 PM
Aloha PAH part of the evidence I received that I was getting detachment down pat was when I wasn't letting the body language hook me into the emotional drama and when I allowed the alcoholic to have whatever feeling she had decide on having. They are allowed their reactions which are their choices and you are not responsible. Plus of course she didn't have to live her life according to my wants and wishes either. Alcoholism or not personalities abound!! Get off of the merry-go-round it's only for children.
That defence is called projection. I think someone has to get to a certain point before they'll let it go. I know there is absolutely nothing personal about it. They project over everyone.
I face similar stuff....I've let go of some of it (or sometimes I can let it go) usually because I've stopped expecting anything else. It's sad but I stopped expecting to be treated fairly let alone lovingly.
Trust me, when I flip out on him, I do not feel guilty. It feels good and while I know I have work to do on this, that's just the way it is......for today.
