The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've done a lot of reflecting on my life lately, since deciding to move forward with life without my aH. Life is beginning to be very different, in a good way, mostly. I still have sadness. But I know that I am heading in the right direction and I have reason to be hopeful for my future again.
When I reflect on my life with the exaH, I see a woman who thought the man she fell in love with was being "supportive" when he always went along with whatever she put into place. I bought the house...he happily moved in. I arranged for retirement plan investments ... he happily cashed them in. I actively sought, arranged, coordinated fertility specialists for us to have a child ... he happily went along with it all. I am learning about how very different "agreeability" and "supportive" truly are.
Since I decided to stop "orchestrating" our relationship, there has been nothing left. Without my prompts, exaH offers nothing. exaH has not had anything to do with our son for nearly 2 weeks straight. Haven't heard a thing from him. Our dog of 10 yrs has been sick for the past year. I had him layed to rest today. I informed exaH. No word from the exaH. I am understanding how to not be surprised by that.
Normally I'd be calling, prompting him to make the "right" choice and be "supportive" of what was going on in our lives. Not anymore. I have decided to not take on the responsibilities of others or orchestrate how they "should" behave. Instead, I keep my eyes wide open and learn from fact and reality, not from what I wish was the truth.
I did the same thing Rora... I was the Orchestra and the Conductor.. There are a lot of things I Orchestrated that I wish I could take back. Now that I can see some of the outcome of it. You know I dont think it would have made one bit of difference.
I have observed my daughters marriage also, she also married to an addict(Gambler) she is divorcing him and it should be final soon. He was also agreeable to everything, just like My XAH, just like yours. It may be possible that they cannot make decisions with all that booze in their brain. Could it be more like their guilt, or they are just too preoccupied with their addictions, or both? I just think they are into their disease and alcohol is a depressant. They cannot be the partners we want or expect them to be. We either live with it and learn to deal or we go it alone. I chose to go it alone.
I really like the way you put it. since you stopped orchestrating, the ah has nothing to offer. wow. you have really put into words what i have been feeling and trying to say. thanks rora for posting this. i realize how much of my relationship i have been orchestrating. i yearn to have him put in half as much effort into this as i have. alas, we may or may never know if that day would come. i am amazed at this mip board. there are so many people here that are a lot like me. it has helped me so much to be able to know that there are people that are healthy and serene that have been exactly where i am. i never knew that i qualified for al anon. just always thought i was a bad person or crazy. oh how i have lived by what i wish was the truth about him so many times! thank god i don't have to live in that denial anymore. have a good night, kath
I really love this post, Rora. Thank you for sharing this. Very well put. I have also been the orchestrator in my marriage, and my AH also offers nothing, and has never offered anything. I have also confused "agreeability" with "support." Their disease simply does not allow them to be true "partners." I have slowly come to realize this.
I just love this post. Almost poetic. I think your realizations are going to help you lead a better life and stop spending so much of your energy planning for everybody else.
That said, don't blame yourself for orchestrating your life, even though he wasn't a "co-conductor." think about some of the things you orchestrated,, such as having your son. I am sure that enriched your life and will for the rest of your life, regardless of AH's just "going along."
I imagine not being able to share wwith AH the hurt of putting your dog to sleep was very painful and lonely. Hopefully,your HP will bring new friends into this new life you are creating, and they will be able to share these life events with you. Certainly you already have your MIP friends and f2f al anon folks.
Hi and thank you for your post. Sure sounds like your making wonderful progress and having tons of awaress, how wonderful and congrats! Coming to terms and realizing the fantasy vs. reality of a relationship is poweful, keep up the great progress. So good to hear you :) blessings
This post really hit home. I think I have been the Orchestrator in so many of my relationships. If I stopped, everything stopped. When I come to think of it, I was kind of the parent to my own parents too. They weren't A's, but they were just as chaotic and helpless as if they had been. This has really helped me reflect on the patterns in my relationships.
I'm so glad to hear things are going so well for you. Of course there is sadness. But my experience of separating from my A was that things were miraculously calm -- that's precious too.
I do know not jumping in with my people pleasing ways is a new way of being. I also know it absolutely totally exhausted me and left no room for me to take care of me.
I'm glad you feel worth the effort. I am working on that one. By the time I left the ex A he cared about nothing and no one least of all himself. The disease is progressive and I don't want to progress along that way anymore.
