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I'm falling back into old, very bad habits. Namely, trying to save my AH.
It's a bit of a paradox, because, I know that I just can't live with an active alcoholic anymore and that I am going to divorce him as soon as I get moved and have some extra money to file. On the other hand, I'm just so afraid he's going to die and I don't want him to. I am really scared that I'm going to find him dead one of these days.
I went to the place he's staying this afternoon because I hadn't heard from him since he walked out of the hospital last night. I really thought he was someplace dead. Anyway, he was there, passed out drunk. Looked and smelled like death warmed over.
I tried to get him to come home with me - not sure what I was going to do with him when he got here. I guess I just want to know that he's safe. He couldn't even manage to get in the car - he passed out on the lawn. He finally managed to crawl (literally) back into the house and passed out on the floor - I finally left.
I don't know what I'm doing, or what's going on in my head. I really want to be able to just let him go and let him do whatever it is he's going to do. Some days, I'm able to detach. But, some days, I'm not.
Can't wait to get to that meeting. :)
-- Edited by stopandchat on Monday 13th of September 2010 04:06:41 PM
You must really read our posts and put into action what are experience and what Alanon shows. We have no control over whether they die, when they will die or even if they will die. We dont know this. Were all going to die someday.
If that were true, my XAH should have been dead already. Your post is telling me your not letting go and trusting your HP. Yes, get to that meeting and go to as many as you can.
One trick I always used and this is what I did was to call the paramedics, especially if there breathing is shallow. I would do that for anyone if I found them in a bad state. Thats my opinion anyway.
The first step, "We admitted we are powerless over alcohol---that our lives had become unmanageable". I fought with that step back and forth. I accepted it, knew it was true, but I had a hard time letting go of all the things I had done for years, that had not been working. At face value step one seemed so simple, but I had years of "unlearning" to overcome. I was powerless which meant I had no control over what the alcoholic in my life was going to do. I "Let Go and Let God" more times than I care to admit.
When things changed for me was when I took the focus of the A in my life and put it where it belonged....on me and my recovery. I've heard it a thousands times, the alcoholic is going to do what they are going to do. Very true. What was more important, I started taking care of myself first. No more worrying where the A was. If the A was drinking and driving, or how many beers the A had drank that day. With the program, f2f meetings, and this board I regained the sanity the disease had taken away. My A is in HP's hands 100%. It just took a long time for me to realize that all I had to do was get out of HP's way.
I'll be at my f2f meeting tonight also.
HUGS RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 13th of September 2010 05:40:23 PM
Absolutely no doubt about it (((((you are a kind and compassionate, loving and caring woman and you have done the very best you can with what you have))))) Your HP must delight in your courage and efforts because unconditional loving is what (I believe) HP's will is about. However this is the disease of alcoholism and nothing matters but the drink. I pray that HP gets him in touch with a recovering alcoholic who can share his story of what it was like, what happened and how they are sober now or some other miracle that will work. I've seen thousands of miracles in recovery including myself. I pray it will happen for your alcoholic husband.
Bless you for your efforts. Turn it over. (((((hugs)))))
Hi and thank you for your post. :) It reminded me of a conversation I had this week with my mom. She is an unrecovered acoa and we were talking about my grandmother, her mom who had died many many years ago. She said to me "dream, I thought my job was to keep my mom alive, I am certain that had I not done the things I did she would have died many years before she did". Now a couple of years ago I would have said, oh your probably right, how noble of you, and caring etc..she was so lucky to have you.......blah blah blah... Those thoughts and perceptions are the voices of a person not in recovery at the time , yes me :) Thinking that we are so powerful that we can intercede even when God has other plans. Please read all you can about addiction, get to meetings and join us for some on line meetings as well, they are really great :) As our perceptions and thinking changes so do we...there is so much truth to "we dont always see life as it is, but as we are"...thank u and good to hear you , blessings :)
Totally understand what you are feeling. My son is my A and I've no idea after all he has been through, OD's, Jail etc what his bottom is. Yes I fear it is death. It haunts me. But nothing I do is going to change his bottom. I try not to dwell on it but it creeps in my head still and thats when I start to pray that HP show me the next right thing to do. And I pray until my negative thoughts are replaced with peace. Blessings
