The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been experiencing a lot of depression about spending the rest of my life not ever having children. I have so many regrets in life but the biggest one is not being able to have a child who could be I feel the reason why I am here. Does that make sense to anyone? I know that I could've loved a child & been able to take care of one. I guess I just am not as fortunate as others. I just have to fill my time thinking about all I do have.
Sometimes I yearn for someone to carry on my legacy. I guess there will never be another someone like me. Does that make me unique? I just wanted to be a mother. I am a childless woman who has to accept something else that makes me very sad. I do have some wonderful nieces & nephews. i do have a wonderful family who really does care about me even w/ my disease. I guess I just have to take them as the only family I have. Oh yeah, of course I have my AFG. I have all of you who love me just the way I am. I want to express my gratitude to my Higher Power for giving me a place & a platform to speak out on how I feel about my life experiences & how I got through them. My ESH. I am going to continue to be grateful. I am going to remember that I have more than most. I have my health & most days my sanity. I have the ability to do things that a lot of people can't that I take for granted. So, I walk tall & proud. I focus on the positive & not the negative. I live a life of gratitude.
How important is it? I guess I will never know how it feels but I can live knowing that I continue to do that best that I am able to do on any given day.
I am just going to have to live the program every day & that is going to have to be enough.
(((((Kathleen)))))...Is that the most natural of needs in life; for a woman to want to be a mother. Only a woman can be a mother. That is most special. And then women (and I am so grateful for this as a male member of Al-Anon) come from that most special of places; the heart. As a man I most naturally come from my head and there are no feelings there and I miss the big part of life often the part where feelings give me experience. It was the women in Al-Anon who raised me when I first arrived and I experienced unconditional love for the first time which is a feeling and not a thought. I was just a big overgrown child and they re-raised me and my real Mom got back the son she had lost due to the disease.
I think (and God laughs) that there are many ways of looking at mothering and one of the ways is in the perspective of how I arrived here broken and dead and was then nurtured back into peace of mind and serenity. It might be at a different angle but I think (God's laughs harder) mothering also is nurturing others who need to be. Look at service to others...sponsoring other members or an Alateen group.
My mom loved me and she wore a target over her heart which I hit regularly until I got into Al-Anon. (((((from a childs perspective)))))
I live near a school and get to see lots of children from 6-9 who are absolutely great. I know I missed out. I also know that I would not have been a good mother. I was not well, I had lots of issues and while I am certain I would have tried I don't know that I could have provided what a child needs.
I know also that until now I've repeatedly chosen men who were not exactly good fathers either. I think one of the very few responsible things I did was to choose not to have any.
I hear you on this....different take though...I have a wonderful daughter who I feel is being "ruined" by family dysfuntion....I may be exaggerating but it's awful to see this great little girl walking on eggshells....we are starting therapy for her soon which breaks my heart as well....anyway.....
I identify with having to be grateful for what we have.....I know there is so much more that I want out of life. And for now it's not happening (not sure it ever will, but I'm trying not to depress myself too much). It seems we always want what we don't have and what we do have is never enough....seems to be the curse of the human race, or many at least.
