The material presented
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level.
So my Abf-sober has gotten a sponsor and spends every night out with them. Leaves for a meeting an hour before it begins and then doesn't come in before midnight. He used to let me know when he would be going out after a meeting so I wouldn't worry. That has stopped. I'm sure it's normal to spend 4-5 hours a night with your sponsor, right? I'm not allowed to ask because it's none of my busniess. I'm told he's working his program and he is bettering himself and if I don't like that's my problem because he's doing what HE has to do.
There are ALOT of trust issues here on my part. Lie after lie after lie...and yes I know I should have left long ago, no one deserves to be lied to all the time... but I have a hard time getting over it. He tells me he has said sorry and he cannot be crucified forever for past wrongs and he can't live like this and doesn't deserve it. so maybe it is my fault for trying to stay when I knew the trust was really shattered. I just always felt "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry" didn't cut it. So if I questioned or wanted some prove I was "controlling" or "treating him like a criminal". I went to trust seminars, counselors, did exercises.... but he never helped. Said he would, said he cared, said he loves me. he's a GREAT planner but follow through? not so much. it's gotten unbearable, the only time we get along and feel "close" is if I just keep my mouth shut and give him his way. I have made the decision and subsequent arrangement to leave.
He has told me that I treat him like crap and it doesn't matter if he cares about me because in my eyes he's never enough and always wrong. OK, having said all that....the fact he's in his program and supposedly has a sponsor...... when does the feeling of 'He's going to get better and find someone and have the life I so desperately wanted after I leave. And all b/c I couldn't get over 2 years of lies.' go away?? because now according to him he doesn't think i'm worth it and even though he loves me I don't appreciate him enough to continue.
And I'm really tired of they feeling that someone else will benefit from all the heartache I endured waiting for him and just finally gave up. oh that sounds so pathetic and needy even as I type it. Gross.
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
It was GROSS for me also until I took it to my own meetings. Had to get myself fixed and couldn't do that waiting for her to come home from her meetings and then arriving to a husband who was just besides himself with it all. Wasn't fair and no drunk knows how to handle it. After a while GROSS goes away and you find yourself not looking to see where it went because it feels freeing to not have it a constant part of your daily life. It took for me, going to meetings constantly with an open mind and a question for the fellowship, "Can you please help me?" I was never refused and for that I am extreemly grateful. I think the title "Point of no return" is such a good perspective because I learned to turn my back on living that way and not going back into it by using the old thinking, feelings and acting that didn't work.
I can so relate to this one. It is the most frustrating emotion to look to a partner you have invested so much time and love with and find out they are not what you perceived them to be. We want the answers, the validation and their love. I didnt realize what an impossible task that is when involved with the sick alcoholic. The disease lies so they lie.....you have to know that they will use every situation as fuel for their sick, sick minds to feed the disease.
I have 26 years of experience with this disease and Im proud of every battle scar. The XAh was going to AA for one full year, coming home drunker then when he left and always @ 2:00 in the morning. I would ask him, are they serving drinks at that AA meeting? First few months I was frustrated, when he would come home, I would confront him. Then realizing this would not solve anything except feed my frustration, anger, injustice, every emotion I could think of. I realized it really didnt matter and it was upsetting my serenity. Don't know what happened , but he stopped going to the alleged AA. He suffered a heart attack and I helped him thru that, and two years later he is sitting me down and telling me, he has had an affair and there are twins. They are already a year old. (A result of those AA meetings)This was a shock to me, how could this all be going on under my very nose. I suffered a minor stroke , Another challenge , to work myself back to serenity and to evaluate my life. I am grateful for Alanon and my HP, my Buddhist practice. Without them I would be in a padded room, lol....the moral of the story. We can never know what they are doing. We can only know what we are going to do and what our reactions are going to be. This disease can surpise us, catch us off guard, destroy us, make us ill. But it cannot destroy our spirit and serenity if we don't let it. We are fortunate to have the tools of Alanon and if we follow and learn and surrender to it, our lives will be immeasurably better and we will gain the strength and courage to face the challenges and solutions that are there for US, not just to survive this life, but to win over ourselves. Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 13th of September 2010 04:29:58 PM
In Getting them Sober, listed above, the author states that it is very common for the partner to think that someone else is going to get their spouse after all this work.
I think that it is actually rather hard to lose an alcoholic. They tend to stick around the ones who have been "there" for them.
At the same time, I know full well what it is to wonder about someone being out all night. I'm not sure many sponsors stay up that late. In general an hour or so before and after a meeting is about right. I did live once with an alcoholic in recovery and he certainly spent a lot of time at meetings but the majority of it was spent hanging out with people who were supposedly in recovery. Needless to say since I was obsessed about it I resented it deeply.
I have not yet met an alcoholic who doesn't think they are being abused. I think that's a standard retort. Unless they are being waited on hand and foot and you are always avaiable to them its "abuse".
I'm not quite sure what can take your mind off "him" and put it on you. I know very well how toxic resentment is and how absolutely compelling it is. Moving to another way of relating is such a shift. I no longer walk around filled with anxiety. At the same time my expectations are totally revised. I fsomeone is in early sobreity I don't have that much expectation they are going to be (a) sane (b) honest and (c) together.
I can well appreciate you've hung in there with him and want a improved person but it takes about 5 years for them to become rational and that's if they are committed to sobriety.
You could take this as an opportunity to work on yourself. Get a sponsor, go to meetings, get very very busy, take the focus off him entirely and put it on yourself. I know I absolutely did not want to do that but when I ultimately did my life changed dramatically.
Hi and thank you for your post :) I had to smile when I read what you said about "someone else will benefit from all the heartache you endured"...I remember feeling that way myself when I heard the ex b/f was getting married...then I had a reality check and thought , god help her lol...she must be nuts :) things are no different with her than they were with me. And there are no payoffs for the heartache we endure, its sort of like thinking..if I suffer enough there will be a payoff... Hang in there and blessings your way :)
Thank you everyone for your blessings and insights. It's comforting knowing that I'm not the only one who has felt this way. It's just so hard. I thought him in "recovery" would be a good thing, not our downfall. But all I hear now is recovery this and recovery that and I'm what is chaotic and stressful and detrimental to his life. whatever, right?
one day at a time......
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
Man, I think life in early sobriety was as hard as life with an active alcoholic. For me, anyway. I went through my AH's active alcoholism when I was sick myself - so I believed all the lies and then took it personally every time when the deception was uncovered (half the time it was uncovered by me and by my snooping).
By the timy my AH got sober, I'd lost a lot of trust. It took time to build it back.
For me, I found that replying all the tapes with the lies my AH told me was not productive. He said things he said, and did things he did, when he was very sick. It doesn't excuse his bad behavior, but it does explain a lot. Replaying the tapes just let me hurt myself over and over and over.
It takes time and work to stop that. For me, it took a lot of meeting, and a lot of conscious effort to think about something else, to remind myself that none of the bad stuff was going on right now, and to just let go and let God.
Hang in there, it does get a lot easier. Keep working on yourself in the meantime - the harder you throw yourself into your own recovery, the less time you are going to want to devote to things that make you sick.
I also agree with Maresie - it takes a lot of work to lose an alcoholic. :) I think you should not worry about that part. :)
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Tuesday 14th of September 2010 01:20:06 PM
