The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After 2 years in a relationship with an AH, I have lost all feelings for the person I once loved. We have been in treatment 4 separate times, for a total of 6 months out of that two year period.
He is still working his own program, rarely going to meetings and his sponsor is his roomate, which makes me think... he is not doing what he needs to do to stay sober. For the first time in our relationship, he is talking down to me and very impatient and well... i am just tired.
I have never been involved with an alcholic before and part of me is torn over the nature of the disease, versus what I want and need to be happy. Guilt over takes me at times at the thought of being happy without him, whihle he is already in a fragile state...
I know that I didn't cause it, can't cure it and surely can't control it... but why do I feel like I am giving up on him?
Its not unusual to get frustrated with the alcholic and feel like there is no progress going on.
Im kind of confused, you said " we have been in treatment 4 separate times" you mean the alcoholic has been in treatment? That is not unusual either. Relapse is part of the disease.
You sound like you are at your wits end. Im glad you have reached out to Alanon. You are in the right place. If you could attend a face to face Alanon meeting, it would help you immensely. This disease is cunning, baffling and destructive to the alcoholic and to us the family members , who end up sick also.
Please keep coming back and share with us, we know how it feels to live with this horrible disease. Wishing you strength and courage. Luv, Bettina
I just wanted to welcome you to MIP. Please know that you are not alone. You will find tremendous support here.
My AH has also been in treatment multiple times - and is still drinking.
Try not to look at it as giving up on him. I've been there, and I've felt that way myself. But, I'm trying to look at it as finally giving MYSELF a chance to be happy, peaceful, and maybe, just maybe, have a chance to have a relatively normal relationship with someone. I'm only 37 years old, and, God willing, still have a lot of life left to live.
That's a normal response to all the chaos we go through. I've gone through humiliating name calling, I know my AH is trying and I admire him for that, although not sure if most of the damage can be undone.. unfortunately. Once a relationship is damaged then you have to do repairs and .. repairs are not an easy thing. I think he is getting you to the point of no return but I dont feel you are ready to walk away yet...are you really? I do think you want the man you fell in love with back in your life. His sobriety is not his roomate's responsibility. His sobriety is his business. He can't blame others for his lack of self control or commitment to decisions. If his roomate is not doing the job, then he should seek someone else. You are not his coach, not his therapist, not his mentor,not his spiritual advisor, you didnt sign up for those jobs. You can be a supportive partner but you are not responsible for his addiction, part of being supportive is staying strong for you mostly. Disconnect from his problem or you are gonna get sick. It's almost as if he suffers from tuberculosis and you carry the virus for him... it's horrible. I'm going through it, I just get strength from other members here and I try to pass it on. I go through stages on which I become numb.. plenty of highs and lows when you love an alc.. Bettina is right, relapses are part of the recovery process, or better say, they are expected. Give him some credit for going through the treatment, it's a big step. But remember you cannot control his drinking, therefore he is powerless over alcohol and so are you, we cant defeat a disease we dont own to begin with. Challenge yourself to remain mentally fit and positive, not easy but not impossible either. xoxo B
Hi and thank you for your post. I think once we realize that we are not giving up on someone just coming to acceptance that we are powerless over them we can then move forward and make decisons from a place of our own wants and needs. Our powerless ness over another person is not abandoning them, just acceptance. We do abandon ourselves when our needs, wants and desires go on the back burner...thank you and glad your here :)
When I first found alanon and the literature, I was absorbed by it. I read everything I could and found that I needed to do that to figure it all out. At this point in my life, my relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend is much more easy going than it was before alanon. Take it one day at a time and what I have learned is to not make any major decisions right at the start. This too shall pass, just today is all you have to deal with... Take care!
I felt a lot of guilt when I gave up on the ex A. Guilt kept me hooked in there for quite a while and he never ever attempted sobriety.
At some point some of us get to a point where we have had enough. I do know that in separating the al anon tools helped, putting the focus on me, detaching, stop watching and waiting and obsessing and making a plan be.
Early sobriety can be very very hard to be around. I know my expectations of others have always been way way of and contributed to my resentments.
I also know that I have to really look at my tendency to "go to the butchers to buy bread". I know if I'm around someone and continously frustrated and fed up its time to revisit my expectations and how much time I spend with them. I simply can't be in toxic resentment anymore the cost is way too high.
Thanks everyone... I guess I am struggling because after 4 different attempts and 6 months of separation off and on, we are still not where I had hoped. He is sober, but to me its more of a dry drunk and if this is what its going to be like, then I am not going to live this way.
I have been in the program for nearly a year, I am finished with my 4th step, doing my 5th this weekend with my sponsor. I am feeling different because I am taking care of me, but my ABF doesn't realize that I am sort of done, he is using me for stability with his ex wife and his son, but now I see it for what it is, not just me needing to be supportive.
I guess I want more out of life and I think that if there was some fire, drive or atleast some sort of effort being made to truly recover, then I could fully support it, but I am not married yet and have never been involved with an AA qualifier before and after 2 years, I am not sure I hve more time to invest.
