As I said in other posts...I'm open to divorce but not now.  I don't trust her alone with my daughter 3-4 days a week without being there.  I also would like her to get into therapy or alanon or both to deal with her issues (I know I can't control this, but I can suggest anyway).  This way either the marriage will become more manageable (even if that's short term) and I can feel safe leaving my daughter in a joint custody situation. 

Remember the movie "Sophie's Choice"...were she was in a concentration camp and was given a choice of which of her children would die and which would live?  I'm dealing with a far lesser version, but the principle is that it's me or my daughter right now.  She's too young (9) to be expected to fend for herself with my wife, so I'm the one who will endure here.  I will go to alanon, read the literature, go to therapy, find outside interests etc.  I can  be polite and kindly even in this situation and usually am.  Mostly because it's just the way I am, but partly for my daughter's sake as well.

I forgot to mention that my daughter said to me this morning..."don't worry Daddy, I know momma's being a pain".  This also reminds me that while visiting family her niece said to me on the side recently "how do you stand her...she's so difficult"...it's not just me that sees this.

My wife also wanted to talk about divorcing this afternoon...I said I didn't feel safe doing that...she laughed and said "Am I dangerous"...I had to clarify that I didn't feel emotionally safe.  But that I'd discuss it when we go to the couples counseler...so i guess I've made my choice...I'm also going to bring up the other thoughts I had.

Unfortunately, I can't stop her form divorcing...our state just passed a no fault, so if she goes to a lawyer tomorrow, there's nothing I can do about.  I'd be stressed out as heck about my daughter, but I certainly don't have to be a part of the process until I'm served.

MJH:

I am so sorry you are going through this hellacious situation.  I have two kids as well and know what it feels like to have to protect them (emotionally) from their alcoholic parent, my AH.  It seems to me that although it may feel heartbreaking, your daughter does at least recognize that her mother's behavior is not normal and not her fault.  So you can feel proud you have helped your daughter in that way.

If you AW files for divorce, just accept that you HP made the wrenching decision for you and begin to work to make your new reality as good as possible for you and your daughter.

My prayers are with you.

I think other members have said some things worth thinking about.  When I was going to counseling with my AH, the good counselor we saw told us that she wouldn't take on an alcoholic unless they were also attending a recovery program.  She said that unless the drinking stopped, the A couldn't make any genuine progress.  We ended up going to a different counselor for a while, who believed my AH when he said he didn't really drink that much.  And no progress was made.  So that's my experience.  My AH was always very agreeable in the sessions, so cooperative, so helpful -- the counselor didn't see what it was like when he got home, much less when he started drinking.  Your situation would probably be different, but anyway my thought is that unless the person going is ready to put their honest effort into new ways of doing things, including sobriety, nothing changes.

I guess this brings us back to the same place, which is that the only person we can work on is ourselves.

One thing that occurs to me is if you might not be able to get full custody if you split up.  I did get full custody of our child.  Life as a single parent isn't always easy, but it isn't as hard as I feared either, and the peace of mind of knowing that our child is growing up without witnessing the drinking and chaos every day -- that's a good thing.

I hope you won't be upset if some of the comments on the boards sometimes seem a bit rough -- there's a lot of wisdom here too, and we're all rooting for you.

I have to say is we always talk about what we suffer from others, but never realize what others , spouses, etc. could be suffering from us.

I have been responding to yankees posts from the beginning. Yankee you say your wife does not drink. Im not saying she does not have issues. But

In one of your posts, #7 you say I know I do suffer from depression. Living with a person that has depression is not easy. Also you said, I can be self absorbed.....

Do you think these issues do not affect your wife???

Thats why I suggested you both go to a good marriage counselor. Since you are on anti depressants, sometimes they leave you with flat feelings. I think your wife is trying to get responses from you that your not able to fulfill , so she starts belittling you. Even the threats of divorce, she sounds frustrated too. You must look at her like another suffering human being. Not as an alien from another planet. Just from reading your posts, I can tell you have a deep dislike for her. Maybe if you said to her, we have a problem, lets work on this together. I promise, I will not respond to another of your posts, lol.....

Well certain mental disorders can mimic much of alcoholism in their behaviors.  Spouses of people who are depressed often have to endure being targets.

Whatever "it" is that is up with your wife,you can use the tools of al anon to help. I don't see how someone who can't let you out the door can divorce but many people talk it.  No one here is going to tell you to divorce or leave your wife or what to do about your child. We can offer you the tools, to detach, work on a plan be ( I worked on one for a long long time), get busy with a program, get a sponsor, focus on yourself (all of these are incredibly difficult).

Therapy sometimes takes a long time to have an effect.  Therapists are not referees. If your wife doesn't want insight and help you can't make her get it.  We practice the three C's, we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it.  The cure is all up to your wife.

Many many people on this board have dealt with raising a child around a partner who is unable to be caring.  I don't doubt they will have suggestions. One of my prime suggestions to get hold of a copy of Getting them Sober (offered at the top of the page).

Maresie.

I remember when I discovered the word, "okay" and the phrase, "you may be right" (of course this also means "you may be wrong" ) It completely turned the tables. He was so used to my opposition, my tweaking, my always knowing the right way, and then suddenly, I stopped. Pretty hard to argue when there is no one to argue with. So, your wife wants to see a lawyer... "okay", she does, doesn't mean you do. We need to see a counselor ..."you may be right" (in this case sounds like she is). Now she has to do the work, right? And, the emotions usually calm in the process.

I hope you know you are loved here, and that so many of us understand exaactly where you are at. With that, I hope you can come to understand that you can survive this and be happy again. I believe with all my heart that if your motives are pure and you are willing to do the hard work that it takes in order to do the right thing (whatever that may be), that your HP will take care of you. I am living proof.

I am so glad you are here. Al-anon really works if you work it.

Blessings,

Lou

hi mjhyankees...
First of, I wanted to thank you for commenting on my very first post, I love you for that, it meant a lot to me, I was down in the pits that day...
I read approx 3 of your posts and I admire that you still have pretty good control of your emotions as you typically express your frustrations through typing. Im not too successfull at that..
For what I see, you both are adversaries right now. Seems like you and your daughter are allies, nothing wrong with that. Thing is that I think your wife feels that you gang up against her and therefore she uses child related matters (among other things) to antagonize you.
You can ask her to write daily a list of do's and don'ts in reference to i.e. child feeding preferences.
When you throw the ball in their field they usually back off,a list it's time consumming, they begin to forget to write it etc, but then they can't really blame you for "their" shortcomings.
Choose your battles.
If you are not ready for divorce, say so. Maybe she needs to hear that. Don't just say "not now" or similar, that leaves the chapter open. Close it. Simply say "divorce is not an option". Period. Don't explain why, what, who, nothing.. Just make a statement and then walk away.
I hear partners (and my husband is one of them) often using divorce either as an exit door or as intimidation. It doesnt work, it only creates distance.
She does exhibits abusive behavior patterns though, I'd be concerned as well. If your concern is your child's safety emotional and/or physical if a divorce was to happen, then contact a social worker from the child protective services department, have her interview your child's mother and they can keep her on check. Voice your concerns to them and they will follow up, they will probably get her to take parenting or co-parenting classes. Those can be really helpful, actually you both can benefit from it right now.
I dont think you are ready for marriage counseling yet, you should both work separately on your issues first i.e. resentment.
You do have good chances to get joint custody, you are very involved in your daughter's upbringing, besides, nowadays most judges are pushing for joint custody based on research done showing the benefit of both (fit) parents involved in the child's life.
They are also allowing young children to voice their preference as to reside with one parent or the other one.
I've been on jury duty for family court several times this past year, judges are taking a different approach and allowing the father to exercise as much custody as they can because studies show that most high school dropouts, drug users, the jail system population is loaded with individuals who grew up in homes where the father figure was absent.
As for your other posting in which you speak about your flaws.. well...she knew you weren't flawless when she said "I do". Don't blame yourself so much, taking responsibility and blaming yourself are 2 different things. We all have issues. Did you listen to the song "Right here" by Staind? Listen to it, I think you will identify.
Loving and living with an alcoholic, or child of an alc, whatever the circumstances are,, it is very VERY difficult. That's probably why you are depressed really,.. You slip into a depression, they affect your self image, your decision making power, you feel directionless, they ridicule you, nothing you do is enough... Very damaging, very draining.
I think you still love your wife that's why you get so upset at her nonsense. If this is the case then dont give up. But you guys cant say you throw the towel and then you pick it up, throw the towel and pick it up....it'll drive anyone insane. My husband displays similar behavior pattern as your wife does. He can be fun to be around, smart, funny but anything will set the time bomb and then outings get ruined, weekends spent by myself, finances in limbo...
So if it comforts you in any way, at least you know you are not alone. What keeps me going and inspire me are some of the successful stories in here and f2f meetings.
If you are not ready to make a decision, then don't make it. Try to focus more about positives such as: what brought you two together?, what has kept you together? I know is gotta be more than just your daughter. Yes take responsibility for your actions, but dont blame yourself for the ignorance or lack of consideration towards her mate; when my mate tries to ruin my day (which he usually does achieve) or analyzes my flaws (done on daily basis) then I remember this quote: "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
Marilyn Monroe
Why we stay I don't knoooow... if you find out, pleeease let me know...lol
xoxoxo
B

-- Edited by Bambina10 on Monday 13th of September 2010 06:48:27 AM