The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just joined this forum yesterday. I have been married to a guy for 22 years who just this summer realized he is an A. We have two great kids, 10 & 14. After a 5-week treatment program, he now attends AA and has been sober two months.
I have been to about 5-6 Al Anon meetings and am reading everything I can get my hands on about alcoholism, recovery and the few books/resources that deal with OUR problems rather than just the A's. (I have Courage to Change.) I think I have made a few baby steps toward recovery as I certainly feel less panic-ridden and more (dare I say it??) peaceful.
Among the things I continue to struggle with -- I really really miss the emotional intimacy in my marriage. Now that I know he is an A, I have come to realize that he was lying to me for many years. Typical exchange while he was an active A: Me: have you been drinking? Him: No. [Five minutes later] Me: Are you sure you haven't been drinking? Him: No.
That scene played out hundreds if not thousands of times. It was always "no" from him, and now I know those were lies, lies, lies. I feel an enormous sense of loss and betrayal. We had always highly valued honesty in our marriage and he had violated that time and again.
I will confess that I NEED certain things from him -- honesty, admitting he lied, acceptance of what he did, amends.... I suspect I will hear from folks on here that I don't actually need those things or that I can't demand them from anybody else, but I am in a state where I don't think that the way things currently are -- distrust, betrayal, hurt, lack of intimacy -- make for a tolerable marriage. Yet I don't want to leave. What I want is the marriage I had before he became an A.
He didnt all of a sudden wake up one day and he was an A, he admitted he was an A.
Before he admitted he was an A, everything up to that time were lies and delusion. Why would you want that back.
Now you are dealing and living in truth. One of the truths is if we ask an A if he is drinking, he will always say "No", even if he is. The disease lies to him and it lies to us. Really it is better to mind our own business. I always try to " stay in my own lane".
Don't know if you have been to any Alanon meetings, but keep going and growing and learning about yourself and this cunning disease called alcoholism. This program is about you.
Please continue to post with us and we will share our experiences and encouragement. For we walk in your shoes. We can learn the tools of the Alanon program which help us to choose and live in the solutions of whats best for our lives. Wishing you all the best. Luv, Bettina
Aloha Cloudsea...For me I had to switch from my alcoholic wife to the membership of Al-Anon to get the emotional and mental intimacy I was looking for. Getting the spiritual intimacy came from rehooking up with my HP and the physical intimacy had to be rethought out and arranged into proper perspective and then I needed to calm myself down on it because it was a large drug for me that gave me screwed up signals.
I learned in the rooms that the definition to sanity was, "A continuous, orderly process of thought" and that condition gave me something to shoot for because I had nothing to go on before hearing that. It's is still true for me today because coming from the disease of alcoholism guarantees insane and abnormal as a daily way of living...a habit, an ism.
Take your baby steps and be okay with them and the amount of time it is taking for you to learn...it's okay. It is also okay to take the focus off of the alcoholic in your life and what he has done in the past so that you can take another baby step in your own recovery today. Everytime you compulsively refocus on the alcoholic for me, the consequences are personal recovery stops...an Al-Anon relapse.
In support and glad you've signed up on MIP. (((((hugs)))))
I actually read your entire post and enjoy being a supportive member. It's really quiet sad that he is just realizing that he has a problem after 22 years of marriage. And it's a long time for you to be without the support of Alanon. After so many years of lies, I'm sure it's hard to remember what life was like b4 alcoholism. Hopefully you all can work toward increasing honest communication and bonding together. Lots of couples start with a date night. Congrats on starting your journey toward healing and a healthy family!
I was a little different when my wife started attending AA. At first I had the feelings that are normal. What about me? You finally admit you have a problem and everything should be like it was before the disease took complete control. I missed those days and thought they would return pronto. I was wrong.The only thing that changed was the fact that she had stopped drinking. That's what I had hoped for for years and now that my prayers were answered I wanted more. I wanted the wife I married back. She had taken a huge step putting her best foot forward fighting this powerful disease. But the table turned and the time she had been spending drinking was now being spent going to AA meetings and working on herself. Again what about me? In time I came to realize that was what she was supposed to be doing. Drinking had been the number one thing in her life and I was always number two. Now AA was number one and I was still number two. I needed acceptance.
Acceptance was a hard pill to swallow. I started attended f2f meetings about that time and was told that I needed to change. Why should I change, I wasn't the one with the problem? I was told to put the focus on myself and not the alcoholic in my life. I thought that might be a good idea since I didn't have to spend time looking for and counting empty cans anymore. So I came to the realization that I did need to change and yes I had a part in this also. My attitude toward her had been of indifference. I held a grudge toward toward the disease that had taken my life and my wife from me. How could I be mad at a disease? I had to separate the two.
My change, understanding, and acceptance came slowly "One Day At A Time". Nothing happens over night. But by working the program and trusting the program a change did come, and for the better. I feel sure my wife saw a change in me. She needed her space and I needed to start taking care of myself first.
That was four years ago, we are still married, yes she is drinking again, but the program and the tools of the program have taught me how to be happy whether the alcoholic in my life is drinking or not. It's not always easy, but I am grateful because the good times certainly out weigh the bad. For that I am thankful.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 9th of September 2010 05:40:30 PM
Welcome cloudsea. You will find much ES&H here at MIP. I have been married to my AH for 33 years. Jump into this program, it is amazing. I wish that I had started many years ago. As far as the trust thing, you will learn that you can trust your AH about just about anything, except regarding alcohol. That is just part of the disease. Resentment and bitterness hurts nobody except you. One of my slogans is "Forgive, it frees the soul." We would all love to have a "normal" marriage but this is the hand that we were dealt. We all just have to do the best that we can if we want to stay married. This has been quite a journey for me and I have a long way to go, but every day, I am a little stronger and feeling a little more "recovered." So, welcome, I'm glad that you are here. Peace.
I agree he didn't just wake up one day & was an A. I was going to use the term "discovered" he was an A, but I thought "realized" was more appropriate. But I think you are right; the best word is "accepted."
Your sunrise avatar is nice. Thank you for your post. It is a tough pill to swallow that we can't look to our marriage for intimacy. I am trying to turn to my HP for strength and intimacy if you can call it that.
Today I realized, my HP did answer one heartfelt prayer. I remember standing on the back of our houseboat (we live near a river) in the black of night after AH became drunk, stumbled around and got in a ridiculous argument with our 14-year-old son. Because we were on our boat, I couldn't withdraw or go to another part of the house away from him as I had started doing when he did stuff like that at home.
DH was asleep/passed out and saying bizarre crap in his sleep. Naturally, I couldn't sleep. I was in such emotional pain. I went onto the back of the boat and basically cried "UNCLE" to my HP. I just remember saying "God, please heal him" and I left [at least some of] my angst with God. It wasn't much later that AH went into treatment.
I think I have not properly praised my HP for this small miracle while I have focused on the absence of intimacy in my life. I am going to say that today, I will practice gratitude for this gift from my HP.
-- Edited by Cloudsea on Friday 10th of September 2010 09:49:19 AM
Bless you for responding to my post, and doing so in such thoughtful words. RLC, I am so sorry that your wife is drinking again. The thought of a possible relapse by my AH fills me with terror, but I am learning not to "go there" and staying in the day, or the moment. My therapist says not to "borrow trouble from the future," and I am getting better and better at that.
My bigger problem is dwelling on the past. I am trying to get away from that, while also not blaming myself for having a tendency to think about past events. I am only just now reinterpreting a lot of my past through the lense of knowing he's a confirmed A. I believe I may need to process through that first before I can start to be free (or free-er than I currently am) of my past.
I also had that anguish about the lying. I thought, okay, I can't deny that he's an alcoholic, but couldn't he at least be honest about the drinking? I didn't realize that lying goes hand-in-glove with the drinking. They lie to us because they are lying to themselves. The alcohol makes them insane; they don't know up from down, though they're convinced they do. So saying "why did he have to lie?" is like saying "Why did he have to drink?" It's the same thing. The answer, as I interpret it, is because they have an underlying genetic invulnerability and then they got "caught" by alcohol and ensnared in the insanity, chaos, and lies it brings with it.
What I have observed is that coming to the realization that their drinking is a problem is the first step in their recovery; realizing what effect it's had (with all its problems, including the lying) on those around them is another part of the process. They don't come at the same time, because recovery is a process, not a switch that can be flipped.
Along the way toward my own recovery, as far as it's gone, were my own realizations about how I lied to myself and had a hard time facing my own truths. That helped me be a little more understanding of what it's like to be in an alcoholic's worldview. But the realization that I took him at his word for so long, when he was lying, is still painful.
