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I don't get it. I thought recovery was a good thing. But now somehow I'M the bad guy, I'm the one that brings chaos into his life and "he can't live like this in recovery" now, I know quite a few folks in a program, be it AA, NA, etc and one thing I've never heard any of them say is "this or that because of recovery". When I talk to some people that have known my A-soberBF it seems he uses recovery as a tactic almost? A crutch....
I myself have changed. I no longer feed into the arguments but I also stand up for myself as well. I have noticed his patterns creeping back....before when he was at meetings and "recovering" and "bettering himself" he would still contact me let me know if he was going out after the meetings but lately nothing. Leaves at 6pm and isn't back until 11-12 at night--last time he did that he wasn't behaving.... so when I say something about it---world war three and every deflection in the book to make it about anything but him. SO i'm the chaotic one?? I'm sorry to vent and I know I'm rambling but I am just sooooooo sick of this. just fed up. done.
Anyone else been there???
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
Not feeding the arguments is HUGE! What an awesome job you're doing!
You're not the only one who heard that he could not live a certain way while in recovery. A's like to divert the attention off of themselves, and that could easily explain this. Also, during early stages of recovery, the A may have all he can handle to just try and take care of themselves.
The A and I were married about 18 years when he said he could not be in a relationship with me and work his recovery program. I didn't have alanon then. Reflecting, I can see where he had his issues and I had mine. I was 'raw with anticipation, fear, and anger'; and, while I wanted more immediately, it didn't come right away. Now I am working on freeing myself from my fears, processing my anger, and managing my expectations.
He still tells me at times that I'm instigating a fight when, in all honesty, I am not. (I did stop and take a careful inventory.) I noticed that he says these things when he is feeling frustrated, so he forces the solution- making me the 'bad guy'.
The blame game is a big deal in the disease and part of cunning, powerful and baffling. That you don't play the game is a great choice and an alcoholic in recovery to any length has no guarantees, isn't perfect by a long shot and often times only "dry" using old tactics. What ever he is accusing you of is most likely what's going on with him and he could be projecting it your way. Let him own it all by himself and hold the door open when he runs to his sponsor. (((hugs))).
um "wasn't misbehaving" what the heck is that? What an adult does is what they do. There is no judge deciding if they are "misbehaving" in his home right? ?
Are you talking you decide what he does after meetings is ok or not?
What worked for me was, if you are not going to be home by six would ya let me know? It was out of love, so I knew he was ok, and he knew that.
It was a boundary. Not until he relapsed did he quit doing this gesture for me and him.
Have you asked that you please be called after the meeting to let you know if he will be late? Myself I would not like not knowing when someone was coming back into the house. I would feel safer knowing.
If he is truly in recovery what would make this innocent request not respected? If you are not complaining about the time or what have you been doing, then this mature request is very appropriate. The misbehaving thing bothered me. He is not a child, what he chooses to do is his choice.
Our part is we learn to live with it with respect or we don't live with them. We are NOT their judges, parents, parole officers.
We do not want to MAKE anyone live with us, or make them live a certain way. We may request boundaries so we can live with someone, but we have no right to try to make any adult do anything.
We have no control over that anyway. If we think we do, it causes resentments, chao's pain, loss of intimacy, respect.
We may make all these promises when we get married, however, when it is an A, the disease gets worse and worse. Marriage with an A is totally not the norm. Does not fit into the regular thing we may think marriage is.
That is another subject.
I hope you two can find serenity in your partners striving for recovery. It is hope, I pray it goes well.
There are open meetings, maybe you would ask if he would allow you to go with him once in awhile?
These sick people need to be around other people in recovery. They have so little experiences they can share that others understand and relate to.
Your a needs to know you are there, even though you are not an A, you love him. You are not there to point fingers, condemn etc. If they feel like that, they will dread coming home.
I can tell ya, a hey I am happy you are home early would mean so much. or a hey I am so glad you are home goes a heck of way further than omg are they misbehaving?
um, debilyn by "misbehaving" I mean LYING to me about his meetings and actually being EXTREMELY inappropriate with the boundaries of our relationship. Back then he was dry, white knuckling through his recovery and raw. I tried my best to understand and not judge or ask questions, even though I had been lied to countless times. I gave him the benefit of the doubt time and time again.
when he was actually going to meetings back then he would shoot me a text if he decided to go grab a bite to eat or a coffee. I appreciated this b/c then I knew he wouldn't be home the time he normally was and I wouldn't worry. I didn't care if he came in an hour after the text or ten, I knew he was safe and doing what he needed. It's when those texts stopped but still rolled in late that I got worried and when I asked why it was drama, accusations that I question him, he's a grown man, blah blah blah and turns out it was b/c he WASN'T at meetings....enough said.
We muddled through it, got to a better place. He got a sponsor this time and is doing step work in addition to meetings. I know this is a good thing. And again let me know if he would be late. FIne with me, he needs friends--who doesn't. But when the texts stopped again and I'm seeing the billigerent attitude and now I'm being accused of bringing the chaos to him when I ask why couldn't u just text me....well I'm sorry for thinking that old patterns are repeating but that's what I think.
I know that for now it's my choice to stay with him. I feel much more grounded this time around thanks to al-anon and the lessons I have learned. I try to remember the "definition of insanity" to my life: 'doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different repsonse' and have made changes to MY reactions because I am the only person I can change. I went down the try to change others road and it always ends in disaster--a disaster easily avoided. You're right he is a grown man and I don't really care WHAT he does after a meeting, it's not my business unless he wants to come home and share with me. But as a human being that he claims to love and shares a home with, darn skippy I deserve notification when you're going to be late. That's just common courtesy. My parents did it, I've always done it whenever I'm going to be late and he does it usually. When he doesn't I ask, if it were nothing or an oversight then fine, "oh sorry hon" would suffice. But WW3 and accusations?? yeah, something's amiss!
I almost didn't write this, but I felt I was being reprimanded for sharing because my word choices weren't "proper". Dont' see myself feeling very much like sharing anymore.
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
I am new here but I can see that different members may feel differently about ways we judge our A. I am like you -- what he did was hurtful to you and to him. If misbehaving is the way you want to express it, you should do that.
Debilyn said "Your a needs to know you are there, even though you are not an A, you love him. You are not there to point fingers, condemn etc. If they feel like that, they will dread coming home."
Sure, in the best of all possible worlds, you could be an angel from above and never point fingers or condemn -- just only express love & support when your A has been an a$$. Or you could be human, have frustrations, have pain and when you need to, you could express it to him -- hopefully using "I" phrases etc to avoid provoking too much defensiveness. A marriage is a two-way street, and your feelings are as entitled to consideration as are his.
My opinion. As they say -- Take what you like & leave the rest!
