The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank god (or my HP as they say) for this program. Everyday I need to use a tool from this program. I am hundreds of miles away from my AH right now for work. He has been out of the house (per my request cuz of his drinking) for 6 months now. I have been very good about not asking about his recovery/relapse/current status.
I have boundaries in place that he's not allowed to spend time (at my house) with our 1 you son or myself if he's drinking and he's stuck by that (mostly - I did have to ask him to leave in June).
But, here I go again.. all cynical and non trusting. I'm hurt and it's ME not HIM that keeps digging up the past and even the SMALL things in the present. I MUST practice my tools harder and take it one day at a time. Someone said he doesn't deserve the space in my head... I've got to keep working on that.
I MUST keep handing ME (my stress/anxiety/what if's) to my HP. But I think it's time for me to make a god box. It's ME but, that is also such a good thing I think, cuz' it's not always about HIM, I'm making MYSELF Crazy, lol.
On the other hand, A small part of me thinks that I should ask him back home since he appears to be making progress. But I don't know, I haven't asked and he hasn't volunteered anything expect he's going to therapy and AA. I think I just need to keep waiting for my HP to show me when it's the right time. But as you all know.. this limbo still sucks. I can't move on w/ my life and I can't move back (because I've grown past that!! YEAH).
Yes, I realize this is somewhat disjointed and probably opposing. But I had to share, it's ME and I'm learning. TYFLMS (Thank you for letting me share)
Wow it sounds that your making good steps toward trusting in your HP and working on the things that you can control. It takes alot of people years to kick their A to the curb and set limits (myself included) so "High 5" to you! I try to remember that all this belongs to God, everything that I see, even my feelings... so He lets us feel when a change is needed. I think I could use a God box. Write all my issues (as they show their ugly face) and place the paper in the box, and I can remember that I already give it to Him.
I think your doing great. Don't push anything. If the A is to make his way back , you have to be really sure that the same dynamics doesn't happen.
Its not all about their illness, its about ours too. We never seem to think that we are part of the whole addiction thing. We are.
We must not let go of the boundaries. Should be a gradual thing to really see if he is sober. See how it goes with just seeing eachother, he doesnt have to move back in. Relationships dont have to fit inside a box. We can live creatively and what works.
Follow your HP like you have been doing, dont go off path.
Aloha Good...You are getting there and its a process not a destination. No matter what my responsibility is looking after myself...self control; and I'm glad because that means that I have others on the bus from time to time and my HP is driving. I don't get to drive because the bus is too big, holds too many people, I don't know the route for all of them and I often crash trying to get them where they want to be.
When I'm the only one on the bus it's a "we" thing...HP and me and when others like my alcoholic was also on it still was a "we" thing and if anyone didn't like the route or the driving you can pull the cord and get off and that included me because HP owns the bus and knows the route.
There are times when everything is going great and the ride is nice and smooth and happy and "we" are all going in the same direction at the same time and that is a good bus ride. Stay on the bus and enjoy the ride. ((((hugs))))
I get it -- the slogan that helped me with the little stuff that drove me crazy was HOW IMPORTANT IS IT ? was it worth bringing up and causing an argument and ruin a good day .. did i really have to talk to him about it or could I talk it out with my sponsor or another trusted Al-Anon friend 90 percent of the time the answer was yes , I just wanted to be heard .. As for the past ,its gone never gonna come back cant change what happened I heard a speaker say that she wasted alot of time waiting for her PAST to change .. again if I needed to share my fears sponsor or trusted friend . Our husbands are never going to truly understand how thier behavior affected our lives any more than I am going to understand thier compulsion to drink .. Sooo I talk to Al-Anons they get me , they understand exactly how I feel and most of all they listen . Bringing up the past will only hurt them- I know i dont like to be reminded of what I did 5 yrs ago either , if I have made amends for past behavior and changed that behavior I don't get involved in that stuff anymore I simply walk away.. along time ago i was complaining to sponsor and she slipped me a note and told me to put it on the bathroom mirror .. when i got home I opened it YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE PROBLEM !!!!! I took that sign down yrs ago now but every time I clean that damn mirror I swear it is still there hehe today I know that I am my biggest problem .. my head can take me to places I never planned on goin in a split second . cut yourself some slack make yourself a little sign put it on the mirror and believe it or not u will be able to laugh at it eventually Louise
Thank you so much for your responses. I love MIP and everyone's ESH. Jewel - High 5 right back at you! Bettina - I agree don't rush it and I certainly am part of the addiction, thankfully I'm working on MY recovery My favorite line that you said is "Relationships don't have to fit in a box", that's just what I needed to hear. Jerry - Fantastic as usual. My HP drive me in this awesome funky bus, I never want to get off! Abbyal - When I get home I am putting that message on my mirror. I love it, you got exactly what I was trying to say.
Your post made perfect sense to me My A is my son. He has always lived at home ( he is 21). He has been in jail on thier rehab unit since last Nov and not expected to get out until this Nov. Before he went to jail we advised him coming home is not an option anymore. Seems we were sinking just as fast as he was. Having him out of the house and with the knowledge that at this time he is safe sober getting his health back I have been able to throw myself into the program and get stronger without all the daily chaos and insanity. But I still get into that stinkin thinkin. The anxiety starts, I start projecting and man my program goes right out the window. Only difference is i can recogize it quicker now and when that happens HP and I have conversation until I am back to a peaceful place. Sometimes it only takes a few mintues and sometimes i literally have to go to a quite place and pray and talk to HP for a couple hours. But peace always comes in the end. Blessings to you in your recovery
