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Someone suggested this to me...you know who you are!!!!!
I gave it some thought and I'm sorry to say I can't come up with much. She's caused a lot of pain and suffering for me and my daughter due to not dealing with her issues....and she's not an alcoholic or even much of a drinker at all...rarely in fact...but she's the child of a raging, violent alcoholic and seems to have taken after him....perhaps without the violence...but certainly with the rage.
I can be thankful for some things she's done for me in the past....things were better about 5-6 years ago...right now....I'm emotionally divorced...I could care less what she says or does as long as it doesn't harm my daughter.....I'm still polite and meet all my parental responsibilities and share chores etc (of which she does very few actually).
I can be thankful she doesn't drink as I couldn't imagine how much worse she'd be. I can be thanksful she's not PHYSICALLY abusive to my daughter...but emotionally....that's another story. I can be thankful she doesn't completely empty the bank account....just spends more than we have....
you see where I'm going with this...not much to be grateful for in my opinion...she threatens divorce at least once per month, but I'm holding out until my daughter is old enough to choose, or at least no longer be afraid of "mommy"....when she's a teen she'll either choose to live with me or at least be able to fight back. It breaks my heart because she is the best kid ever and all my wife can do is criticize her.
My wife loves, her...I think we know that, but rarely shows it and instead, as she does to me, demonstrates more disdain,and dissatisfaction toward her.
Sorry cant' do this....in fact I wish she'd just disappear, or go away or whatever but get out of our lives...but she'd never do anything helpful like that..instead I'm sure she'll cause a horrible messy divorce when the time comes, and try to bleed me dry. Sorry...no gratitude here.
Was just thinkin..If you know you're going to get a divorce, you may want to take some action in preparation. Most people don't have a couple years to consider how to best help themselves.
Hang in there Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Might be too early and too dark to do a gratitude list...too many resentments and fears and too defensive. Took me a while before I could be grateful for anything; too angry and rageful...kinda like blind with rage...couldn't see straight and therefore couldn't see anything to be grateful for even outside of my existence. Take your time just for today.
Sounds like your wife is in an awful lot of pain herself.
I've often heard the saying, "Hurt people hurt people." Too often so many of us grew up being completely unconscious to our own behavior and how the choices we make in our lives really affect us. Instead we grew up convinced that outside conditions that we have little control over play a key role in our ability to be happy or not. When I was younger, I often got to say "I'm pissed off and it's YOUR fault." I'd never try to examine why I got so angry in the first place - why I allowed something someone did or said have the power to shift my mood from being happy to hurt and devastated.
Al-Anon has been teaching me that my mood is entirely under my own control. Someone could say the most horrible thing to me, but if I'm really truly feeling okay with myself and love myself, it wouldn't matter and wouldn't slam my mood from happy to miserable. Instead, I'd just recognize the bait for what it was - someone who's feeling awful themselves and felt picking a fight would justify their anger. They're uncomfortable, so they want to make sure everyone else around them is uncomfortable, too.
It might seem an impossible task (such as the gratitude list for your wife), but trying for just a moment to picture the pain she's going through - and so very sadly unable to know how to cope - may help to shift your perspective a smidgeon. I'm not saying it'll be an angels singing, light pouring in, harps playing moment where you'll just forgive everything and be fine with it all, but having some compassion can go a long ways.
Having compassion does not mean taking abuse, however. In Al-Anon we learn that we do not have to accept unacceptable behavior.
My exAH was verbally abusive on many occasions - and yes, every disagreement we had, he would always throw in subtle threats to end the relationship. This would absolutely devastate me in the beginning. When Al-Anon came into my life, and I finally came to a place where I started to feel pretty sure that I'd be okay "no matter what" (and that "no matter what" included a divorce), his little subtle threats didn't scare me any more. He saw that shift in me and reduced the frequency of those threats.
In the end, it was me who requested the divorce. Interesting, that.
I agree with Jerry. Still a lot of resentments to do a gratitude list. But, I can totally relate where you're coming from.
My AH's disease has made my life hell on earth - literally. It has wreaked so much havoc in my life that it will be a little while before I recover. However, his disease has made his life hell too. I try to stay mindful of that. And, even in the midst of all the chaos lately, I've actually been relatively at peace. I think I have finally accepted that I have no control over what my AH does or says, that he's going to do what he's going to do regardless of anything else, but, I do have control over how I react to those things.
That said, just because I have compassion for him does not mean that I have to stick around and accept unacceptable behavior. In fact, I have chosen not to. He is out of our home and it is my intention to divorce him.
Your wife clearly has some issues that need to be addressed. Whether or not she ever will, who knows? Even if she doesn't, you can still find peace.
Keep coming back. I'm wishing you peace and serenity.
You know...this is interestong because is reminds me that just bc people are not A...doesn;t make them SANE :) Rage, shopping...has she ever been testedd for bi-polar? sounds like me...before.
I think acceptance is needed more than gratitude and I don't think it is found overnight. You make me smile - you are trudging through this with such courage and looking at all angles but I can hear this little voice in the background screaming "I WANT CHANGE NOW!!". It is happening. I am seeing it in you, even if you are not. Keep going, you are doing great.
Acceptance . . .
I am who I am and they are who they are. I have my faults and so do they. I have compassion for myself and am slowly learning to have compassion for them.
When I first got into the program I was looking for more amunition to judge my qualifier with. I wanted to know with a vengence that he was as bad as I thought he was. I wanted everyone to know it. I wanted everyone to agree with me. I wanted him to feel horrible for what he had done. Hello . . . look at those words. I wanted him to feel horrible. Ouch. Once I started working the steps and taking a hard look at myself . . . well my response was . . .
uh oh.
I couldn't judge anymore. All of a sudden I had pulled my own covers and realized that even though I might not be "as bad" if we were placed on a scale - I had done everything he had done is some form or another - even if just by motives (i.e. being nice to manipulate). I 100% agree with "hurt people hurt people". I have done it. There are behaviors I exhibit because I have never known any better and was raised that way. Not an excuse or cop out, just the facts. My complete inability to have an intimate, vulnerable relationship and communicate in a healthy way is how I was raised. I clam up, shut down, and don't share what is in my heart because I know to the core that I will get hurt. I am trying to change that . . . and it is going REALLY slowly.
Since I see that about myself I can also see in others things that they just can't help. Doesn't mean I have to tolerate bad behavior - but I also don't need to carry resentments and anger in my heart around it - because the only person I am hurting is me. I try my hardest to accept them for who they are. The picture I see in my head is him as a child - hurt, crying, scared, lashing out, making bad choices - because that is what we truly are - a product of our upbringing. If there was a child in front of me that exhibited bad behavior due to abuse I would instantly have compassion for them. We expect the adults in our lives to just "get it" and fly right - but apparently there hasn't been anything in their lives between childhood and now to help them change (like recovery!!). How can I fault them for that? Would I fault the child? I had to use the same logic on myself - to understand and forgive myself for things I have done. Doesn't everyone deserve that? You know, that is all I ever wanted . . . my entire life . . . was for someone to just love me unconditionally, tell me it was going to be ok, and hold my hand while I walked out of the mire that were my insides. This is the hole many of us fill with alcohol, our alcoholics - and many other things that we think will make us complete. Ended up realizing I have to do this myself - I am the only one who is going to "complete me" . . . now I am walking out of the muck on my own and I am only stuck up to my waist and not my neck .
All I can do is change myself, have compassion for others, and take care of myself through setting boundaries and detaching from bad, hurtful behavior. I can say that I was able to let go with love and that feels really, really good.
Wow.... too much coffee. Sorry about that.
Thanks for the share!
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
First of all agree with whoever advised you that is you are planning a divorce in the future to start taking action now to insure you get custody of your daughter. I am not sure you explained your wife's problems when you first began posting here but it sounds as if she has some mental health issues. This is where your planning for divorce comes into play. I would start documenting her behavior towards your daughter maybe even a nanny cam. I understand it is hard to find gratitude for the person she has become. I find it hard to be grateful for what my sons addiction has done to our family although I love him uncondtionally and always will. But I am grateful for the wonderful young man he was before drugs took hold. He is exceptionally smart, handsome, charismatic, athletic, musicaly talented, loving, humorous and loyal....these are just a few of the things I am grateful for, becuase I know when he finally embraces recovery he will be that person again. I would say one thing you can be grateful for, for your wife is that she blessed you with your most beloved daughter. I grew up with a ragaolic and in my experience I never knew when my mother was going to be Dr jekell or Mr Hyde. In my case it escalted to violence ( which is why i tell you to document). You have a lot on your plate for sure...I really hope you keep working the program and really embrace it. Blessings
I would find it very difficult to get to a gratitude about the ex AH. Knowing you are angry is a good thing. Managing that anger is a real task. I wish you lots of luck on that.
Also, gratefulness for your wife giving birth to your daughter and that she is the Mother of your child.
My Father, who has passed on was a rager, he was a WW11 veteran, Army, Musician, talented, could build anything with his hands , great Father accept for this one flaw, he yelled a lot. Which caused us kids to hide out in our bedroom. I always blamed him for my parents poor relationship. But when I got older, I saw the painful truth, my Mother did not love him, she always loved another man, whether it was an illusion or not, she loved another who lived in her country that she left. My Mother was never present in the relationship and she never listened to my Father. She never validated him, so he had to scream to be heard.
I miss my Dad today and I wished I would have hugged him more. Thats beside my point.
mjhjankees, your wife could be screaming to be heard. It only takes one to change.
Thanks everyone.....to be fair, those things I describe about my wife dont' happen every day....but they happen once in a while and creates the "walking on eggshells" issue in the house. She is a constant source of tension, because even when not raging, she is complaining, nagging and often using mild put downs. "dont you know what your'e doing?"...that kind of thing.
Most days are without incident, but a couple of times per month there is either a blow up, or she says something nasty
Also did I mention I get zero affection????? Ironically she says I'm cold....and yes due to her issues, I lost interest in having sex - other than a few occasions- but now she never kisses me..even hello or goodbye.....she never asks me anything about my life....almost never a kind word (there was something a while back but I forgot what it was).....no encouragement.... And I still do those things for her. I will kiss hello, goodbye, ask her about her day, help her with her schooling, take her out to dinner etc....but it really feels like a waste of time...however it's what I do.... I can't stop being me, which is caring, gentle and somewhat loving...supportive and nurturing....at least these things are benefitting my daughter somewhat.
I saw a few gratitudes in that last entry Yank...re-read. Also I have a wonderful wife who has....at times....some of....those similar characteristics and then again there are only some and at some times. At other times her good stuff is huge and over powering. Did I mention that she is 2600 miles from home and has been here for over 16 years with only visits back to her children and grand children? What do I get out of that?....humility and gratitude. It balances out. It has to balance out or I'd be looking for perfection again and I've never known where that has been for as long as I've been here. Just some ESH... (((hugs)))
