The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Picked up my AH from a 5 day detox yesterday (relapsed after 9 months sober), and he is now drunk as we speak having drank a fifth and a half of vodka since yesterday evening.
I was just reading a thread about staying with an A - I have decided that I can no longer do that. I have already consulted an attorney and have begun to complete the paperwork in order to file for divorce. I've been considering this for a few weeks now, and have decided that I will go through with it. I would stay with a recovering A who is working a program, but, I can no longer live with an active A.
This is not an easy decision for me. I love my husband. But, he clearly does not want to be sober right now, and does not want help. I will get out of his way and let him do what he's going to do anyway whether I'm in his life or not. I can no longer be a witness to and be a part of his self-destruction.
Stopandchat, Im so sorry, its not easy to come to that decision.
I have been there and I have also picked my XAH from many a rehab, only for him to drink on the way home. To this day, he still continues to drink, but without me being a party to it.
One thing I have learned, is that Alcoholics are like a one arm bandit. You keep pouring it in with so little return.
You know we are here for you, to support and share with you any and all help and experience.
Keep coming back, because it works when you work it.
(((stopandchat))) I'm so sorry to hear of his relapse. You have clearly been working the program and are strong enough now to say "enough". I'm sad that it had to come to this. I am pretty much in the same position as you, I'm almost strong enough to choose wisely if I am put in your position again. I pray that he can stay sober so I don't have to. Like you, when he is sober, I love him. It's the Jekyl and Hyde that drives me crazy. I too, choose not to live with an active alcoholic. The ball is in his court.... Peace to you and prayers are coming your way in this difficult time.
I also made the decision not to live with an active A, I am sorry that you are in a position right now where you feel you have to make that decision too. Although I know in some ways it is still part of my sickness I got inspiration from "getting out of the way" as a jetpack booster to keep me on the course I had chosen. No matter how I got there finding a way to get and stay out of the way helped us both. I miss my dream of what could have been sometimes, but not enough to give up the happiness I have found. I can most of the time pray that my xah finds his bottom and climbs out for good. Everyone has different paths and decisions, those are my little steps to being at peace. I send prayers you find yours too.
Aloha Stop and Chat...The separation (long) and then divorce was also the route I took with my first addict and then my alcoholic/addict. I was in Al-Anon for a while before that finally came about and part of what I worked on was understanding. We use to read and discuss the definition (AMA) of alcoholism before each meeting then and I am glad because it helped me understand that my wife, my spouse suffered from a life threatening disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions along with why the out of control drinking which was answered in the "progressive nature" of the disease and compulsion; "The alcoholic has lost the ability to control their drinking and it will get worse (more worse as it continues). They don't run alcohol; alcohol runs them. Now I understood and came to understand the woman I was married to who was also an alcoholic. The reason why I married her? The wrong reason why I married her intentionally to fix her, lead her to a happy life, teach her how to drink and behave civily. I knew nothing and I had to learn before I made any more decisions about anything or else I was told I would continue to make the same mistakes expecting different results.
You and your husband have my intentions and prayers. (((((hugs)))))
No it is not easy. You are showing that you love you. A very good thing.
Even though you are not married, he will still be out there somewhere. He will always be an A sadly. That is not curable. Even being on program has no guarentees, relapse does happen.
We can hope for the best, pray they have some good time in their lives, but we do not have to sacrifice our own for their disease.
I used to thing, well what if he finally gets sober and I miss it? Then I came here and learned about relapse. I realized for me, I could not go through him getting sick in his disease again.
His disease almost killed me. It threw my life completely away.I had to start over again, and I will never have the same level of security again. His disease ruined my credit, took away my ability to move from my home, buy another vehicle.
Not to mention the disease broke my heart. I have not been the same since him. In most ways I am better. In some ways I am forever damaged.
I am glad you are getting yourself in a safer place. I hope for you, you will find peace.
You sound very good. I know there are sobbing times, regrets. It is not your fault, we just did not realize the power of this disease. Believe me, things will only get better.
Sorry to hear you are going through this. Walking away from someone you love is very difficult, been there done that.
You are right to put yourself first and you have come to the right place. One Day at a Time . . . it will get better. This program changed me enough that it made the relationship that brought me here a blessing. Never would have thought that could be the case.
Please keep coming back.
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
In al anon we make a plan be that is a plan of all the resources we need in order to leave. It sounds like you have started that. Eventually when I had a plan be in place everything fell into place.
Picked up my AH from a 5 day detox yesterday (relapsed after 9 months sober), and he is now drunk as we speak having drank a fifth and a half of vodka since yesterday evening.
I was just reading a thread about staying with an A - I have decided that I can no longer do that. I have already consulted an attorney and have begun to complete the paperwork in order to file for divorce. I've been considering this for a few weeks now, and have decided that I will go through with it. I would stay with a recovering A who is working a program, but, I can no longer live with an active A.
This is not an easy decision for me. I love my husband. But, he clearly does not want to be sober right now, and does not want help. I will get out of his way and let him do what he's going to do anyway whether I'm in his life or not. I can no longer be a witness to and be a part of his self-destruction.
Thanks everyone for the ESH. I am truly grateful. Without this support and without Alanon, I doubt that I would have been able to make this decision for myself. I would continue to be stuck in the tornado that's my AH's disease.
