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Ok I've vented.....I think, at least for now I've released all the fear, disappointment, sadness and frustration that I can. There's only one thing left. That's to work the program as best I can. I don't feel much hope though. I KNOW I'll improve...after all "progress not perfection" but I've had so many times in my life put my heart and soul into something only to be disappointed, to get the 5% return on the 95% investment.
But, being stuck where I am right now, is so painful and so hopeless that I have to do what I can to pull myself out of the muck and sludge that I've been living with.
Step 1. I am powerless over my emotions and life circumstances, my faults and everything else that's wrong.
Step 2. This will be hard. I believe in a power greater than myself (after all I've proven to be quite powerless for my whole life so almost anything else is "greater"). Restoring me to sanity???? I haven't come to believe that yet. I heard said that first ;you "come"...then you "come to"...then you "come to believe". That's about where I am....<<sigh>>
So what do I do about this? Yes I know going to f2f meetings...I am now, and am trying my best to fit them into my crazy schedule....trying to find a home group may be hard but I have no excuse for not getting to some meeting on some day during the week. I always read the literature (maybe not daily though) , so I will continue to do that and be more consistent. Getting more sleep at night has to be a commitment...I know it affects my mood. So does getting exercise.
I am carrying around with me the book "The Language of Letting Go" By Melanie Beattie. Courage to Change is my other favorite. I am finding so much to read in those that helps. I know if I try to control what is going on with other people and place expectations then I will be disapointed. So I am just trying to pray that my higher power will lead me to the right place. So coming to believe is a hard thing. You don't have to believe yet, you just have to get ready to. Keep on keeping on. Push through and change the things about you that you can change. Serenity prayer .... write it out. Think it through. Make it into your own words. Accepting the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can... those are some pretty deep concepts. Take it one minute at a time. Just for today.
Remember the "foot work" putting what you are learning into action. It is very easy to sit back and hope and pray for change but I've never known that to work. Great you are getting to meetings make sure and get yourself a sponsor who will keep you on track. Glad you are getting better sleep Something I learned here and never knew before ( and am not sure this applys to you ) but it is nessesary to eat well. Not eating well will only compound your depression and anxiety, I can tell you this works because I have chronic anxiety from PTSD and when some one shared this with me i started eating even when i didn't want to but it has reduced my anxiety and my depression. That goes hand in hand with HALT Hungry Angry Lonely Tired When you are feeling any of these things take a few moments to see which one of these things apply to you at that moment and then ACT on it. Take care of yourself is hard at first especially when i know you have a lot on your plate but you are going to have to take time to take care of yourself. So put in that footwork and changes will start happining for you. As far not trusting in your HP to restore you to sanity and watch out and guide you. Just be open to the idea, clearly nothing you or we tried in the past has worked so take a leap of faith and trust in HP to guide you to where you need to be. The lesson I needed to learn here was I prayed and prayed and nothing seemed to be happening. It didn't occur to me to listen or look for the way HP was guiding me. So pray for guidance and then listen and look at what HP is telling you and again " foot work" act on that! Be gentle with yourself, none of us is perfect by anymeans so don't beat yourself up. Just get to those meetings ( even the ones here on line) start workin those steps and taking care of yourself Blessings
As unfortunate as it is there is no easy fix on recovery. One second becomes one minute and one minute becomes one hour and before you know it you have one day.
It has taken much to get you to the point of powerlessness.....It will take much to regain your power. Hope above all is so important. I have felt hopeless and I can relate. You have to try to remember where there is life there is hope.
Each day I wake up I thank God for today. Live in today and all will begin to seem better. For me I just have to Let God and Let Go....that's what keeps me in the relm of sanity.
I have been where you are alcoholism and addiction has caused me much heart ache in my life. I totally relate to where you are...now you can begin to take control and live again....remember it takes time. Prayers your way.
I can certainly understand the mistrust issue. I had it when I got here. After all I felt such a failure in the relationship I had. I put all this effort into it and there was nothing left for me. I felt that what people were telling me was to make even more effort and where was I supposed to get that.
In fact over time for me it was less effort to stop fighting with the ex A, it was less effort to stop jumping to his crises (which were every day). I currently live around alcoholics and addicts. I also work around them. I make less effort to please them, I make less effort to try to change them. Whenever I am in trouble around an addict it is because I am wanting something from them rather than being able to see them objectively.
For me making less effort around addicts means I have more energy to spend trying to make better decisions for myself. None of that comes naturally. I've had a minefield in so many areas of my life.
No one can promise you nirvana. The truth is that when people start practising the steps and tools, their life is more manageable. No one said it was going to all resolve or get pretty. I was a slave to my over reactions most of my life, now I am not. I certainly have resentments and work on them daily. My resentments don't get to poison my life as they once did. I still have them, they still bother me but they don't consume me.
I hope I have given you a few inklings of why it is worthwhile for you to recover.
Only one of the first things I learned how to do was to distrust my own thinking and decision making because that is what I used to get here pleading for help. My own thinking got me here. I had to distrust it and trust the thinking and behaviors of those who we having a much better time of it and growing away from their horror stories some of which were much much worse than my own.
If I kept using my own old thinking and mind I was going to have the same old consequence which I could not afford any longer.
There are many other things to come later. ((((hugs))))
That's exactly what brought me through the doors. Then, when I realized what I had to do, I had some resistance... because it demanded only one thing, that I change.
Like you, I felt I couldn't fit more than one meeting in a week, I was too busy. When I really wasn't progressing in recovery, I blamed the program for not working!
Eventually, I heard that if I wanted what "they" had (you know, those happy, grateful folks at the meetings,) I had to be "willing" to practice something different. My sponsor would say, "What can possibly be more important than your recovery?!"
Sometimes, she really annoyed me. There is no authority in the program, I am free to practice the 12 suggested steps... or continue to do things my way. The consequences of doing things my way can be fatal, my disease is that powerful.
As for step 2, just be "willing" to believe you can be restored to sanity, that's it. Just be open. You have nothing to lose, and (maybe) everything to gain. Look what it's done for those who have gone before us. If you think about it, you must believe.... because you keep coming back. That's faith, is it not?
As long as you never say, "I'll never believe"... you'll be just fine. ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 5th of September 2010 11:35:10 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
