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What am I suppose to do the day after he was so drunk and I come home from work and he is sober. I'm thinking because he needed me to take him somewhere and he new I wouldn't if he had been drinking. Am I just suppose to act like it never happed? Do I bring it up? I won't be lovie dovie with him cause I don't feel that way anymore after 15yrs (been together 20) I really don't know how I am suppose to be.
Yep...thats what I was always expected to do...act like it never happened. Once though I gave him a bit of his own medicine back...got very drunk and gave HIM a mouthful...oh my...how dare I. You would have thought I was the worst person in the world... The longer I am on my own the more I seem to be able to look back and reflect on the inequality and disrespect that was the relationship I had with the man I loved.... Alcoholics are such hypocrites....I am getting stronger every day and realise that the reason I wasnt getting respected was because let him treat me like that...and I get really angry at myself thinking back on it...how can they respect you when they dont respect themselves?? Sad really...
I still struggle with this issue myself. The last book i read on the subject said to mention the next day, (Probably b4 you take him anywhere) that "yesterday you got drunk and throw up all over the cat and broke my new chair, I know that you wouldn't do that if you were sober... don't you think it is time to get help with your problem w/ alcohol?" Something like that... it saw a dialog like that in a library book call "getting your loved one sober without nagging...".
I'm still living with my AH and plan everyday to kick him out and never see him drunk again. If I had a local place to goto, I would leave this second. I think I'm sorta hoping that he gets busted for a driving offense and gets suck in jail.
I hate that next day what to do with them, or how to act cuz they are sober.. it's so unfair that we are made to feel like we are supposed to just go on like nothing ever happened.. or that they can actually not drink when it's something that they need.. but they won't not drink if it's something we need.. not right at all.
It was my understanding and I have confirmed this in the big book that its ok to list all the things he did the night before, in a calm manner. If he drove the car on the front lawn or did any other stuff to leave it there. If he passed out anywhere else but bed to leave him there.
Im just reading Jewel's response and she is correct. Yes, he must be made to know what he did in his drunken state. He will be very surprised.
If you bring up the drinking stuff more than 2 times it's nagging so I let my body do the talking and kept myself out of the probability of another fight. That wasn't easy until I got into Al-Anon and it isn't perfect now. Assuming that "they" don't know is care taking. They do know. They know and know that they know. Alcoholism is a disease of compulsion that is progressive. When the compulsion runs the alcoholic has lost the ability to choose and alcohol chooses for them. Knowing and accepting this what do I do. I learned not to put my life on hold for the alcoholic or spend more than a reasonable period of time bringing her up to speed on the last event. I learned to make my own plans to act on and to stop reacting to her and her consequences from drinking.
Another thing I learned and have accepted as black and white reality "Just because she wasn't drinking didn't mean she was sober" Sober isn't just about not drinking.
What I learned from Al Anon was my life did not have to be affected by HIS disease, his stuff.
By going to meetings, coming here,reading literature, I learned his stuff was none of my business.
If someone treated me badly and it was not the A in my life, would I do them any favors? NO!
My self, I don't want anyone elses disease, bad behavior etc. to change anything about how I make my decisions.
If I chose to stay with them, which I did for awhile. I always would say, when something they did was a drag,"that is really sad your disease makes you go through that stuff." period.
NOT my job to gripe or complain or try to fix it. Or when they made a bad choice I said," wow I sure would not have made that choice."I am not their parent or parole officer or probation officer. They are an adult with a disease, THEIR disease.
When I detached from the disease I did so much better.
Again asking oneself,"what makes me stay in the first place?"
If he can not use becuz he wants something from you, that is pretty sad. I find that very manipulative of him. Abuse you one time, next day want something from you so he remains sober. no thank you here. but that is ME.
We are here becuz the disease makes us sick too. We don't even realize how badly it does.
My life is NOTHING like it was when I had an AH in my life. It is so calm, so clean, healthy, happy, serene. The love went away. Disease killed it, he allowed it to.
Anyway just what I was thinking when I read this. My experience.
I guess Jerry we can agree to disagree. I always found that after a night of drinking, the next day was usually a day of remorsefullness for the alcoholic, whether he was still buzzed or if he had a hangover. He was able to follow my drift. Yes, they have the compulsion which never goes away. The alcoholic should be made to feel there are consequences and boundaries.
That does not mean we have to be passive every day of every minute. I never read in an Alanon book if you brought it up twice it was nagging. Its just a matter of fact list of what activities and your demeanor in the way you say it, it doesnt mean you do it every other day, just at your discretion. Telling an alcholic what he did while drunk is not putting your life on hold. Its standing up for your life on pure principles.
I truly believe that alcoholics sometimes do not know what they have done. Especially when they are in their black outs. To this day, the alcoholic does not remember falling out of his truck on a busy hi-way, the police breaking his ribs and then calling the paramedics. He never remembered it, even when he woke up in the hospital. I had to go to identify him, legally in Calif. they cant go in his wallet. You mean I shouldnt have filled him in.??
I dont think there is a black and white ruling on any of this. Its up to our discretion.
Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Saturday 4th of September 2010 12:12:06 AM
Jewel91 My AH did get a Dui he has had 4 and can no longer drive for 7 more years. He has done jail time 3 times the last time was 7 months and I was in heaven and people from my church and my family kept checking up on me and thought I was devastated and I tried to tell them I was fine, stress free and was not in Hell anymore. I know excatly where your coming from. Hang in there.
-- Edited by snodebb on Saturday 4th of September 2010 12:44:14 AM
Bettina, I always tell my AH what he did the night before. I don't know if thats the right thing to do. He does not remember half of what he does. I wish he could remember the Fathers Day that he tried to jump off the bridge and it was breaking news and all the neighbors knew it was us. I wish he could remember how I had to try and talk him down while one of our daughters took her little sister to Burgerville down the street for Ice cream. I wish he could remember slipping and 2 fireman grab him by his belt or he would have been history. I think they should know even tho when u tell them it doesnt phase them in the least, its not even shocking to them. Its weird. Sorry I'm rambleing. Thank you all
"The alcoholic should be made to feel there are consequences and boundaries."
We do have the right to set up boundaries and consequences between our A and us.However there are no "should make anyone feel in life." We have no control over anyone elses feelings, no more than making them use or not.
For me it has nothing to do with being passive. It has to do with living my own life, I don't allow the disease to control me. It can be done. I go on my own path, my own life choices with or without the A. His using, his disease has no baring on my decisions or life. Again, one of Al Anon goals is this.
I in no way have to stand up for my own life by pointing out to a very sick adult person their behavior. Is not my job. I am not my brothers keeper.
The A knows they mess up more than anyone. Their guilt is nothing we will ever relate to. How dare I bring it up to them. It is none of my business. If I choose to live with them I do. That does not mean I have the right to point out their actions.
I keep a dog who bites then gripe becuz it bit me????Sorry not my experience.
I would not go to my Ex AH who had been in a horrible accident and give them the gory details. NO way. What would ever make me want to add more pain to their already wracked up heart. They do not choose to be A, they did not to it on purpose, they KNOW they blew it.
That to me is pure heartless behavior. If they want to know, they can read the police report.
Until they, themselves CHOOSE to walk into AA, and spill all the crap they hold inside, our trying to be their conscience is only enabling them. They need to find out for themselves. We are not their counselors, or that little voice that tells us we blew it.
This is MY experience, I don't want to get into their stuff. Anything we do to get into it, takes the load off them. It is enabling. Their disease, their thing. NOT my job. I know I do not want anyone getting into my stuff! They have rights too!
Jerry is right on, Al Anon teaches all this. In time we all learn to live it.
We agree Snodebb, you were the one with the question right??.
I just wanted to clarify that Alanon does say its up to us if we want to let them know in a calm matter what they did the night or day before . That was the question. That Alanon says its ok. Everything is up to us.
Thats what so great about Alanon, there is no right or wrong. Just suggestions.
Thats why they say "Take what you like and leave the rest."
-- Edited by Bettina on Saturday 4th of September 2010 01:25:33 AM
-- Edited by Bettina on Saturday 4th of September 2010 01:33:09 AM
Good postings here. I always struggled with this one. My husband (who still drinks), used to get drink, drive uptown to a strip club and spend over a thousand dollars. This happened four times. I found it VERY hard (somewhat impossible) to detach from that...b/c I feared he might be doing something at the club that could hurt me (associating with the drug dealers and/or cheating) and of course the financial stress was unbearable (hard to detach from bills that aren't getting paid). I could never figure this one out. He would be looking for intimacy the next night (he was remorseful and needed me to show my love), but his actions had taken all that desire from me. Thankfully he is not doing this now, and I have been able to put it behind me (after an honest visit to the doctors to get me checked out too), but sometimes I think it just isn't possible to completely remove yourself from the situation and forgive.
When my abf has slipped, I found that telling him how it made me feel is all I could do. Dredging up what he did and pointing fingers didn't help. Using my "I" statements, and saying things like "I felt terribly sad and had no idea what to do when I found you lying on the floor looking dead". That would open up a conversation and he is more able to see my side of things. It also takes out the blame, because I am talking about me and how I feel (what Alanon teaches us). From my experience, telling him what he did doesn't help, but telling him how I felt about what he did does.
