Am I an idiot? - Al-Anon Family Group

looking_for_peace · Veteran Member

Am I an idiot?

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Well first of all as we all know once an A always an A
In reading your post it sounds like your husband is very depressed. I say this as his behaviors sound very much like mine when i went into a deep depression. I did nothing but nothing to contribute to anything in the house hold and in fact ended up losing my job ( and paycheck ). It lasted for years to be honest with you.
And although my children were grown i had very little interaction with them day to day. This was also during the time my son was sinking into his addiction and I had no strenght or will to do anything about it.
I had been on every anti depressant even an anti psychotic med, went to therapy etc. Finally I took myself all the medications ( which was gruleing) and I was guided to alanon. It was the people and program of alanon that brought me back into reality and into recovery but not until I had done so much damage to my family.
Anyway you might want to think about having your husband see a Doctor to be tested for depression.
You are not crazy but i do think your husband needs to be evauated and possibly treated.
Totally understand the resentment you must be feeling, I garuntee my family felt the same resentments at having to be respondsible for everything. My daughter has yet to forgive me as I had turned into someone she didn't even know anymore. My son dealth with it by escaping into drugs. My husband ( who is diabled) literally held the household together. He never complained he had support from our church.
But enough about me, your husband sounds as though he may be sinking into depression so I would look at maybe getting him help
Not sure if that was the answer you were looking for or if it helped at all.
I wish you well
Blessings

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

The Seventh Tradition comes to my mind.

Anyone working an active recovery really tries hard to live by this tradition: "Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions".

May folks in recovery bring that down to a personal level from the group level - being self-supporting is a huge adult step for many of us to make, whether alcoholic or not.

Knowing that, the real question you get to ask yourself is not whether he's being a mooch and should be doing more... it's how you feel about the truth of the situation and what things you can do and change for yourself to get to a place of feeling good. I don't know what those answers may be.

I know with my active AH, his story was pretty much the same as your AH's... he worked, yes. And most of the time managed to keep up with his half of the bills, but really didn't do much of anything else as far as contributing to the living situation. He rarely ever did the chores we agreed upon. I was so tired of playing "mommy" and picking up after him that there would be times where our house would be a disaster because I just refused to take care of the things that were his responsibility. Every now and then I'd decide to clean the house, but I learned in Al-Anon that if I were going to take care of everything, I needed to make sure I was doing it without resentment. I took on an attitude that I was doing it for MYSELF, because I wanted a clean house. I got a lot of satisfaction out of the cleaning when I approached it in that way.

Otherwise, things could have turned an entirely different way. You may have heard the analogy of a sink of dirty dishes turning into a divorce. That's how ugly the mind can make things if I let it.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Xeno It appears your husband is dealing with depression.

Depression can take on many different symptoms . My Xah, is very depressed, as he is now because he is not working. In 26 years of marriage he never missed a day of work. I never knew how he did it, he could be in the ER the nite before, passing out in his food, yet he was at work the next day, it was craziness.

I have many friends whose husbands have depression, no drugs or alcohol involved , but have the symptoms of an addict because of the depression.

I have also many friends whose husbands are just big pain in the asses. Who are passive agressive. I dont think your an idiot. Your trying to hold your family together and all the burden is on you. What Im trying to say is what if your husband had any other disease where he couldnt work. He appears to be a sick man. Is it the nature of his sickness that upsets you? I see your dilemna and burden. The problem is he is not getting professional help and that is difficult for them to do on their own.

Maybe its time to really dig deep into your program and come up with some solutions and boundaries. Remember the adage, "nothing changes, if nothing changes". There has to be a change in your attitude, to affect a change in his, its not impossible. It does sound though that he needs professional counseling and correct diagnosis. Its all up to you also in what you want your life to be in the staying and in the going.

Wishing you strength and courage, Luv, Bettina

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

I have no idea why your husb would be researching drugs , looking for one that would work comes to mind , recovery dosent mean u get to walk away from your responsibilties , one pay check will not take care of bills he helped to create ... are you an idiot ? no a little nieve perhaps but never a idiot ...
Supporting him doesnt mean we have to step back and allow them to just check out of life.
Alcoholism is forever never goes away ,there is an attitude that goes with this disease and I call it ME Me Me . it is always about them . NOT even after 20 yrs sobriety in our home I occasionally have to remind my husb that there are two people in this house and that I have a right to an opinion .
Keep going to meetings , find the courage to speak up to husb about your concerns and remember Nothing u say will make go back to drugs were just not that powerful if he chooses to go back it will be just that a Choice. HIS

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

No you are not an idiot. Many of us have had long term relationships with addicts. I spent a lot of time in absolute rage and frustration at the ex A. I can still touch on that at times. Eventually I caved in to some suggestions from al anon. One was to take the focus absolutely off him. I had a lot of reason to focus on him but when I took the focus off it helped me a great deal. I also got very very busy with the program. Of course I was already busy because like you, I was stuck with all the housework and more.

I poured myself into al anon stopped snooping on the ex A (that was a a hard one). I would suggest you get a copy of the book listed above, Getting them Sober (its free).

I'm glad you are here.

Maresie.

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

What a familiar story.... Most of it could be mine too. I think it is pretty common that the "sober" member gets all the work and responsibility. I was a pretty good "martyr", I could do it all!! disbelief

And I did, for many, many years. It is only with the help of all of you here and my F2F meetings, that I have learned I don't have to be super woman. I do my half and my AH gets the other half. If his half doesn't get done, oh well. We are in recovery, both of us, and I can help (if asked) but it is important for him to be responsible too. It gives them self worth. Hang in there...

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

Abby said it all....me me me....that is what an addict thinks of first and foremost. He needs to get off his duff and get back to work haven't you suffered enough YES!!!!!!!

Just my opinion take what you need and leave the rest.

With Hope,
Andrea

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.