INTIMACY... Wake up .... - Al-Anon Family Group

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

INTIMACY... Wake up ....

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Jozie,

Definitly found your post really interesting and it gave me pause for thought.
Although I was the youngest in my A family I was the caretaker and the mess cleaner upper.
But as I look back after reading your post I was also in the time of the Women's Rights revolution so not sure if my actions are because of that influence. I don't consider myself a big woman's libber or anything but I guess my way of rebeling was to not jump to the A's beck and call everytime they "wanted" something.
Your post reminded me of an instance where we were having a family get together at my sisters house ( I was a teenager). I was in the pool swimming, my brother was lounging on the side of the pool and ordered me to go get him a beer. Honestly, that moment was a turing point for me. I paused and thought I am in the pool and in order to get him that beer I would have to get out, dry off, and go into the house to get it. While he was perfectly dry, had two good legs to walk on and certainly two good hands to open the refridgerator and grab that beer himself. It was the first time I said "No" he could get it himself. OMG you would have thought I told him his world just fell apart. I got an hour long barage of insane rambling how women were ruining the country, had forgot "thier" place in the family and society etc.. i could go on but you get the point.
I figured out then none of them needed me to do what they could do for themselves and I certainly didn't have to contribute to the drunkeness that was certainly coming.
Of course I continued my caretaking duties but no longer allowed myself to be ordered around.
When I met my husband ( who is not an A ) he I think was the first person who didn't expect me to jump everytime he wanted something and in someway we came to an unspoken agreement we didn't need to do for each other what we were able to do on our own.
Now don't get me wrong, We would do things for each other without being asked like cooking dinner, doing dishes or simply getting one another a cup of coffee or something because we wanted to as a show of affection, because it was something we "wanted" to do for each other with no strings attached just because it was a loving thing to do.
So in answer to your question I really don't know how you stop doing things for your husband out of a feeling of obligation except to slowly start giving yourself a little bit more than an hour a week for yourself and start putting the focus back on you. Do for your husband when you feel it is out of love rather than what you have been taught.
Blessings in your recovery

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

well u rang some dejavue bells for me with this post. I used the detachment pamphlet for this one ,dont do for others what they could do for themselves ree> finding HIS keys HIS briefcase HIS hat etc .
I used to get up early to enjoy a coffee and read the newspaper before my sons got up for school ,then waste that hr looking for his stuff sheeeeeeesh .. The day I decided to not do that I got up as usual was reading the paper and there he was standing beside me Where are my keys he yells - almost choking with fear I said I dont know I dont drive your truck , he walked away ,back he comes Wheres my hat ? don't know I didnt wear it and away he goes , soon hes back demanding I find his briefcase again I just said I dont know I didnt use it .. he gave me a big Hrmmph and walked away . It only took that one morning for him to remember where everything was sometimes they are amazing aren't they ?? for yrs after I got to have my coffee and read my newspaper with no interuptions . were both retired now and he takes care of himself really well .. me too

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jozie

Great Awareness Again!!! During my first 4 th and 5 th step I am was appaulded to discover that my motives for helping people and fixing there problems were not very pure. I was not full of compassion and kindness. as I thought I did it was because of the PAIN I FELT at their Discomfort. In other words I was really fixing me by fixing them. How insane was that. I too asked how can I address the issue of focusing mainly outside myself on others and abandoning myself Alanon had the answer

Focus on yourself Stay inside yourself with the feelings. Identify the feelings, share about them and then decide on the action. It was a process. When I felt myself jumping out into someone else's skin and feelings I would repeat a slogan over and over.

There is nothing wrong with being helpful and attentive to your loved ones The big issue is to be equally attentive to ourselves You are doing fine because you are talking about it. Keep on taking those walks and soon they will be all about you and your serenity

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Great post and I learned a term that described why I did it. Hypersensitivity!! Fixers
also suffer from PTSD (got that one also). On a mental level because I am trying to
take care of my stuff and their stuff at the same time (multi-tasking you ask?) it also
results in ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and in my emotional level creates guilt and
worry and fear and shame all that other stuff that comes with the thought I'm not
measuring up. Not finished....hypersensitivity makes the squirrel(?) cage go faster
and faster and faster resulting in me getting more tired and tired and tired and then
whalla!! I find myself in procrastination and all of the other stuff all at the same time
without a drink to block out reality...no ansesthesia!! Often times it is true when the
finger points directly at me with the following chant "You're crazy!!".

Yep

And today I've got a 2nd (chance) step. Came to believe that a power greater than
ourselves could lead us to sanity. Sometimes...other times being crazy is normal
and usual and creates excitement which turns on the taps of adrenalin and dopamine
which are my drugs of choice...no needle needed or bottle...no glass to wash and
pure upper!! You can't smell it on my breath and when I'm caught and asked "What
are you on I can just smile." Hypersensitivity. The enablers perpetual motion
machine. Step two helps.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I like that Jerry, that it finally has a name"hypersensitivity" Ive had it since I was kid.

Always sensitive to my Mothers needs, because she was so unhappy, I always had to make it right for her and make sure she was happy and not depressed. Because she had married the wrong man " My Father", who was always trying to make her happy, but she rejected him.

By the time I was forty, I was living with the A, trying to make him happy, trying to make my daughter happy, because she blamed me because she was snatched by her Dad at 6 and we had many years apart and had misdirected anger at me and of course It was all my fault. Still trying to make my Mother happy, until one day I snapped. It was on my Daughters wedding day , in New York in a Hotel, my Mother was upset because she didnt know what to do with her purse while she had to walk down the aisle in church. I had just began Alanon. I had the biggest, hugest fight with my Mother, I am sorry to this day that I was out of control and said the things I said, but my HP must have been in high gear that day. To make a long fight short, I told her I was not responsible for her happiness anymore, It was enough for me to keep my head above water. I was drowning.

My Mother never forgave me for that day, she still holds a grudge. that was 18 years ago.
I also stood my ground with my daughter, I will take responsibility for my stuff, but not what her Father did, snatching her at 6, molesting her and letting her go at 25, her having a total break down and left me holding the bag. Its been a long road back for her and me, but I never caved into babying her. The XA, you have the scoop on him. We have been apart two years.

This "hypersensitivity" is in me, I absorb my surroundings and all the vibrations of other people, negative and positive, I am a bit of a psychic its why I have to be alone and meditate a lot and regroup. I have to concentrate on putting my needs first all the time, I have to say no, a lot, for there are people besides the A that are draining, in everyone's environment Im sure. When I forget about myself, I get so pissed at myself. I have to work on it constantly, Its taken sometime, but its a whole lot better. We must get people to respect our boundaries. Thanks for letting me share on this subject.

Luv, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 30th of August 2010 06:54:44 PM

-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 30th of August 2010 06:55:24 PM

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((Jozie))))))))))),

Oh how I remember doing that stuff.....packing his lunch, making his breakfast which still to this day I don't eat...lol.

I have found I use to do the same thing for my son...how crazy is that gonna punish another lady someday....not anymore....I'm like Abby, where's my keys....didn't drive your car lately....where is my wallet...didn't use it last....lol

Wishing you the best in making them do for themselves.

With Hope,
Andrea

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.