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This is a pretty long one; but if you feel like reading it, I get to my point at the bottom.
I'm so happy that I found al-anon. I have been trying SO hard to back off from trying to control my boyfriend's addiction. I'm 30 weeks pregnant and he relapsed July 1st. If I hadn't found you guys & al-anon, I would have been going CRAZY.
In the span of a month, he "caught himself 2 cases", went to rehab for a week, violated his probation, turned himself in, and now is in Jail. I told him early this month when he first got into jail, verbatim, "I would love to help you, find you another rehab, help you up to stand on your feet but I can't. You have to do it. If when you get out of here you'd like to go continue to live on the streets, selling everything you have (he literally went from owning half the stuff in our apartment, a bike, & a tricked-out truck to just one small laundry bag of clothes in a month) or you can find yourself a rehab and get on your own feet. If you're struggling and I'm helping you, you don't learn anything and then there's 2 people struggling. I know you can do it." I would have never left that up to him before! I would have babied the crap out of him.
But after that I didn't speak to him for 3 weeks. Earlier this week when I went to go see him, he had gotten himself accepted to the salvation army and arranged to be released from jail in time to go directly to the rehab. I was stunned! He did it all by himself because I let him for once. I just hope he stays in rehab this time! But at least with al-anon, if he doesn't, my life won't "be over" like it used to be when he'd self destruct. It's just that SELF-destructing, not girlfriend-destructing....
So I think I'm getting the hang of this, "let go and let God" stuff, somewhat. I'm still very worried though, obviously. I know he is capable of turning his life around and being a part of his son's life (he really is a wonderful person) & I'm going to let him figure that out for himself. I don't want to expose my son to this lifestyle. So I'm thinking that if he starts using again, I have to get a restraining/protective order. I SO don't want to do that. But he has been exposed to this lifestyle forever, his dad was in jail for 16 out of the last 20 years--My unborn son's grandfather actually got caught robbing banks in the Cleveland area last month. (WOW this disease is strong.) I don't want my son to feel the pain of watching your dad mess up his life like the generations before him!
I guess it'd be nice to hear what other parents have done? If he gets himself kicked out of rehab or relapses in the next year, should I get a restraining order so our son won't grow attached or be exposed? I'd just like to hear about any other parents who have been in a similar situation or for that matter anyone who wishes they had/hadn't stayed away from their addict/alcoholic parent.
Anyhow, if you made it this far, kudos to you. Thanks for reading my little anxiety attack.
Aloha Sue...Anxiety attack!! funny what we can do to ourselves when we allows our selves ot get into fear and take unreal information and build and build on it. For me living in this day only and in the moment of the day works for me. Today I don't have to know what's going to happen tomorrow and yesterday is only a teacher. If you are comfortable with your plans and decisions and you are working from a newer program angle and following the steps, traditions, slogans and suggestions you'll more than likely be healthier later on than you are right now; growth. The tools from the legal systems and public services and the like are tools. If you feel a TRO is necessary it might be in the future. I use to help gals and guys apply for TROs and when they are used for the right purposes they can save lives. But are you there now or thinking outside the box of today? As far as what the family learns about another family members using and drinking and legal consequences and the like?... everyone gets to know sooner or later.
What's important I read is that both you and your boyfriend are being responsible to recovery and for yourselves. God isn't that ever the first thing I had to learn in side of the rooms of Al-Anon. Me be responsible!! She's the one that drinks!!... You're doing good. Continue to focus on yourself and your health and the health of that child within. You will do your best when you are healthiest. Your boyfriend? sounds like he already has a handle on what he is supposed to do...don't let him pass you up. ((((hugs))))
Stay with the tools of the program and you will be fine.
You can only choose whats right for your life.
Your boyfriend sure has proven the genetics of this disease. Drinking is generational. Hope he will stay with his recovery and is the last generation to drink, for you and your childs sake.
Meanwhile, take care and focus on you and having a healthy baby.
keep coming back, because it works if you work it.
Get a copy of the book offered at the top of this page, Gettng them Sober. I am at a place now where the less said the better in justifying any of my actions. I work the steps really hard and work with a sponsor. I can't recommend that highly enough.
Wow you are totally on top of things! Kudos to you for embracing alanon steps and concepts and it sounds as if you are working a strong program. I can give you 2 perpectives on your post and hope they make sense First I was the child of an alcholic father ( hard core). When my mother left we moved at least once a year so my father wouldn't find us. I went years and years without seeing him. Also all my life I was lead to believe that my father never bothered to look for me. Only lately in middle age have I found out that my dad did try to find me. I think that would have been helpful for my self esteem to know that on some level my father cared for me as much as his disease would allow. And while I was taken from my father I was surrounded by alcholics and addicts so it made no sense to me why they were okay to be around but my fathers wasn't. I think looking back I would have benefited for at least supervised visits in order to have a connection to my dad. Even after he was sober many years I was forced to choose between having him at my wedding or my mother attending. Sheesh talk about a rock or a hard place of course I chose my mother who raised me but looking back I resent having to make that choice. Niether my husband or I are A's and we moved our children away from that daily chaotic lifstyle shen they were young yet we ended up with a son who is an addict. So I know genetics play a large part in this disease. My son is also in jail at the moment and after working my butt off in this program we are ready to let him go. I tried so hard to get him in ths Savation Army rehab ( which I hear is remarkable) but the courts wouldn't allow it. It is the hardest thing in the world as a parent to see your child suffer and not be able to fix it and then finally have to let them go. Upon his release he knows coming home this time is not an option. We have him set up to go to a sober living home and are willing to help him as long as he stays on track. He knows if he doesn't stay on track we are no longer his safe haven. If that means living in a shelter than that will be his choice. I don't know what his bottom is and I am not sure he knows what it is either what I do know is we can't cushion his bottom anymore as painful as that is for us. I hope you keep workin the program and keep posting here and keep us updated. You are doing a great job Blessings
I am new here, and can only tell you my story. I left my, now sober, ABF last October, just after our daughters 1st birthday. I had had enough of watching his downward spiral, and couldn't watch him kill himself anymore. I 'let go and let god' before I even knew what I was doing. It took him about 6 mths to hit his bottom, but it happened. When he was ready, I helped him find a rehab, but all the rest was up to him. Here it is, almost a year later, and he's almost 5 months sober! We are actually getting back together, and are going to try to make a go of it as a family. I hope everything works out for you - keep the faith, there is always hope!
Thank you all!! I'm so grateful to have you guys and the great support :) I'm driving him from jail to rehab tomorrow and having this little mini-meeting really helped.
Xeno, thanks for the different perspective. I don't want to put my child through the unfortunate situation you had to go through but I do want to protect him.... but what you said reminded me not to have resentment. I'm sorry about your son and I'm glad you're supporting him when he's choosing to "be good"; I know that's really hard as I'm watching my boyfriend's mother have to stand firm, but she knows it's so good for him. Good job.
Ri, that's really great to hear. I'm happy for you guys, 5 months is great! :) It's good to know that it's okay to leave him, even though there's a baby involved, and that things can change.
and he relapsed July 1st. If I hadn't found you guys & al-anon, I would have been going CRAZY. 
I don't want my son to feel the pain of watching your dad mess up his life like the generations before him!
