The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Has almost been two months since my children and I have seen my AH. It has been almost two weeks since we have "spoken" through text. We left back in November. I kept going back to his house to bring the kids for a visit because I felt responsible. Since my last visit to go see him I decided that I could not and would not go to his home again. I started Monday toward finishing my degree at college. Had a bit of anger and resentment because I am raising three children by myself and trying to go back to college after six years. I didn't want this. I never dreamed we would end up this way. I wanted to raise my children with my husband, but he would not stop smoking pot. Some people including him would almost laugh at this, thinking that pot is no big deal. But it is when you have to smoke every day all day just to get thru the day. I wish I had never met him. The only thing I do not regret is our beautiful baby. He just expects me to do everything, and be responsible for all the adult responsibilities while he goes out and plays. He does not have a decent car to drive because he does not work, and I can't believe I actually have felt guilty for him not having a vehicle to drive to come see his baby. It is almost as if he married me just to use me. I think that he pretended to love me and expected me to save him. Anyway, I am not doing what he wants me to do, therefore, I go through the great silence. It is heartbreaking for me because I DO love him. Maybe it is all for the better that we don't talk, it would just be more manipulation. This is tough. Yes I am aware that I am supposed to work on me. I am moving on with my life, and I have found a sponsor. It is just so hard to walk through this immense pain I feel from this silence from him. I thought he loved me. I now realize that A's cannot love another because they have no love for themselves. This hurts really bad. Sometimes I just don't understand.
I know it's painful. You are working your steps and doing what is necessary to take care of yourself and your children with the help of your HP. However, it does not undo the fact that you have separated from your husband. There is an alanon book called "Transforming Our Losses" - it was very helpful for me. I realized that alanon could not take away my losses, but it could help me learn from them and transform my perspective of them.
Hi. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I'm in a similar situation. It has taken me a long time to come to this, but lately I feel serenity in knowing that as long as I am there to feel sorry for, take care of, cover up for, etc my exaH there is absolutely no reason why he would do anything different with himself or his life. I have decided to move on and get out of his way. Mostly because I have just had enough of it and I love myself enough to know that life can be good (hopefully great) without all the chaos and drama of exaH. And also, I too love him. And in loving him, I want the best for him. And the best for him is not going to occur, so long as I am there paying the toll for all the effects his addictions has on life. He may or may not ever find sobriety or peace, but I know for sure that he won't with me standing in his way.
It's not a great position to be in. It's not the promise I made. It's not the promise made to me. It's very difficult to grieve all of that and to change up the plan, even though its not what you want(ed).
I'm sorry about the pain you are feeling right now. Just know that once you accept that things are over, it gets a little tiny bit easier each day. My experience is that it takes about half the length of the relationship to get over it. If that is what you choose to do.
The ex a could do the silent treatment to great effect. Eventually, when it suited him, he always got around to talking to me.
i understand well the great resentment. Moving on is not easy. Al anon tools really help, detaching, getting busy, sharing your feelings (we call that not going to the butchers to buy bread).
Personally after I broke up with the ex A and was sucked way back in again, eventually I got to the point where I wanted no contact. When I first left him I missed him tremendously. I did not miss the chaos, lies and worry that went with it.
I just wanted to tell you that i can relate to why you feel you cannot live with someone who smokes pot all day, every day. That was my husband....he could not get thru the day without getting high...i hated it. It went on for 10 years...i live in CA where it is practically legal. I had to tell him to leave or go to treatment. He chose treatment. He has been sober for 4 month now and lives back at home with me and our kids. He does not go to meetings and sometimes i feel like i am living with a dry drunk so to speak...his moods and behaviors have changed a little but i can see his old thoughts and behaviors resurfacing.
Anyways, i can relate. Pot can be and is just as addicting as any other drug. It is an emotional addiction, a way to escape from reality. My hubby realizes this now, but if you would have asked him before rehab, he would have said otherwise.
