The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was wondering if people are finding happiness? I've come to the conclusion that's it's the bottom line for my life. I just want to feel happy and contented. I'm not asking for any particular "thing" out of life, just that feeling. As probably some can Identify with I've lived most of my life feeling deprived, depressed, and mood neutral at best, when not depressed. I feel that life is just a series of days with things to do. There are occasional moments or hours when I really enjoy something, but they are sparse and have no "carry over" effect. I've recently been reading research and books on happiness (yes there is psychological research in this area) and have tried some of the things they suggest. It's helped in short term stuff, but not in any significant way. I'll post some research findings next. I was wondering if anyone cared to share their secrets. I realize no one is happy all the time, but I have a general "unhappy" feeling about myself and my life and I'd like to change this as I do believe it's within my power to do so.
I'm going by memory here and it's not in any particular order. But this is what happiness research has yielded so far: 1. Feeling generally happy comes from a preponderance of happy moments and experiences throughout the day. The little moments apparently add up although some things can give a general sense of happiness. 2. Good intimate relationships were high on the list (although it didn't specifically mention spouses or partners...I guess any would apply). 3. Doing work that you enjoy or that is satisfying. 4. Spending time doing things you like to do. 5. Not comparing yourselves with others, but rather comparing yourself with yourself. IOW improving things about yourself was more important. 6. gratitude lists
That's all I remember but the web is full of stuff...just make sure it's research based.
I think gratitude lists might come in handy for you at this point.
For me, I had to let go of what I call Future Dependent Contingent happiness. That's the notion that "I'll be happy when.... X changes or Y happens". I'd been shown a few times in life that I was never really as happy as I had anticipated when X or Y did happen, so that was pretty easy to give up. Then I had to re-focus my attention on what brought me happiness NOW.
Sometimes the business of just living gets so distracting that it's easy not to notice happiness. So I have to make an effort to take the time to just stop moving for a minute and quiet my mind to see the happiness. I can find absolute bliss in just sitting at the kitchen table in the sun with a nice iced coffee, the yard work all done, listening to the birds outside. Heck, I'm easy to please -- simply seeing my dog race across the yard to greet me, that silly joyful doggy-grin on her face, when I open the door lifts my heart.
So I guess part of it involved redefining happiness from the big, flashy things like a vacation out of town to the simple everyday stuff like the love of a pet or sharing a laugh with a coworker.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I have been schooled and practicing Buddhism for 26 years, along with Alanon.
Buddhism maybe considered a religion, but its really a philosophy and Alanon doesnt contrast with those beliefs.
There are two kinds of happiness "relative" and "absolute". Relative depends on people, places and things and is fleeting. Absolute is an inner journey. Being happy is a choice. Its not something that just happens to you. Absolute happiness is a state of happiness that can never be defeated or destroyed. Happiness does not lie in outward appearances or vanity. Rather it is a matter of what you feel inside, it is a deep , answering response in your life. True happiness lies in cultivating this great state in ones life. Happiness is the true purpose of life. Its a state of mind where we feel that life itself is a joy.
There is a saying; A small heart gets used to misery and becomes docile, while a great heart towers above misfortune." True happiness is not the absence of suffering; you cannot have day after day of clear skies. True happiness lies in building a self that stands dignified and indomitable like a great palace, on all days, even when it is raining, snowing or stormy.
mjhyankees, How to find happiness is a very profound question and shows you have a seeking heart and mind.
I dont know if you have a spiritual belief, but praying is powerful. Prayer is just dialogue with the Universe, show the Universe that your here and you count and you need and want, its ok.
wishing you my best, Bettina I hope this has helped
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 26th of August 2010 11:59:23 AM
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 26th of August 2010 12:00:50 PM
I started out with Alanon gratitude lists but now I find myself "living in gratitude". There's not a noticed cloud, free flying bird or breeze that I forget to say "thank you, that's awesome". As if the gift is just for me. It's pretty hard to stay in a funk when there are so many things to appreciate.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Right now I am in the middle of a few different crises and my happiness level is lower than usual. But like ythannah, I find that there are still small moments of happiness to be had every day. Walking my dog is always good, I enjoy seeing his enjoyment of the different sounds, sights and smells he encounters along the way. My daily morning walk around my garden always gives me something to be happy about-watching the lizards run through the plants, or seeing a new bloom that wasn't there yesterday. And this may sound trite, but it's true, at least for me-doing something nice for someone else ALWAYS makes me happy. I am sorry you're having such a hard time right now. I hope some of these suggestions will help to bring some joy back into your life. (((mjhyankees)))
At one time I was attending an Alateen Convention (Yaaay!!) as a sponsor and on the first day got caught walking around in a "funk" with a "frown" and an Alateen pulled up beside me and said, "Whats up Jerry F. You're looking kinda sad." "Yeah" I replied I just cannot seem to be able to find happiness right now." She replied, "Well don't you know that Happiness is an inside job, Jerry F." My Higher Power is soooo cunning, powerful and baffling at how to put in my life just the right person, place or thing I need for the moment. She of course was right and my sadness went somewhere else. Later on she wove me a friendship bracelet and I was back to being cool. Thank you God...Thank you Alateen. ((((hugs))))
Hmmm I listened to a book recently on the happiest places in the world. Can't remember who wrote it or what it was called but supposedly Butan is the happiest place in the world. Butan is nothing like anywhere most of us live, very little TV, not much www. no fast food, not many roads and all the other things we take for granted. Strange huh? Surprisingly I understood this. When I could not find happiness hardly at all I was looking for my problems to be solved to be happy and that was not what i really needed. What I needed was to have a little peace and beauty in my life, and most important taking the time to NOTICE them. My life was crappy yes but I was choosing to ignore the things that made me happy. Laundry was a chore .... why would laundry be a chore when the smell of clean dried fabric brings me peace? I lost my ability to see what brought me peace and contentment. My situation was compounded by not only focusing my attention on my xah and our problems but also I had lost my vision and could not see the beauty I had always relied on. Finding new ways of finding that peace takes time and constant practice. I can even remember smelling a bakery and having to tell myself .. "that smells good, smile dang it, it should make you happy for a moment even realtors know this and tell you to bake cookies before an open house" Little by little those things are coming back or I am finding new ways of appreciating the little things that make me happy and I realise now it has always been the little things that made me happy. But I have to notice them, not be so wrapped up in other things that real life passes by.
Oh that same book mentioned Sweden or Norway, one of the two has a Happiness Institute where they study all kinds of things like what makes people happy, where people are happy, how to measure being happy from individual to sociological ranges. Might to interesting to try to research them. Now i wish i could remember the name, it was interesting to hear the author's perspective on why each location had or lacked happiness. Keep working it
"For me, I had to let go of what I call Future Dependent Contingent happiness. That's the notion that "I'll be happy when.... X changes or Y happens". I'd been shown a few times in life that I was never really as happy as I had anticipated when X or Y did happen, so that was pretty easy to give up. Then I had to re-focus my attention on what brought me happiness NOW."
Wow, this was dead on AND it made me laugh. "Future Dependent Contingent Happiness"... I go there when I don't have a plan of how to live my day today and I certainly go there when I have fallen away from Al-Anon and the gift it offers me if I choose to engage.
Just getting back to Al Anon after a 3 year hiatus b/c AH "made me feel" like Al Anon did not fit in a marriage. Just writing that makes me realize how much I need to be here and in meetings. Love this post.
For me I like to be content and peaceful, that translates to happiness for me. Serenity. Gratitude. I try not to dwell on the past, but also to not forget it. I look back at my struggles and the things I have overcome and realize the gifts I have in my life and am so very lucky.
I remember living in my car, then living in a mobile home that was falling apart. I remember swapping bills for groceries. I remember watching someone I love die from cancer and living through a really tough relationship with an A. Today there are still struggles and eventually they will be behind me too. This too shall pass. I am so pleased to have my family, their health and mine too. There is not a single month that paying all my bills on time does not bring a BIG smile to my face. If I feel unease I step outside and feel the breeze on my face and give my animals a hug. I am so thankful to be alive today, there are other options. I look at the days in my past I let slip away drowning in unhappiness and those days are lost. I don't want to lose anymore.
I have some tough things going on right now, brought tears to my eyes and that is ok. There have been days over the past week I don't want to get out of bed, to top off the difficulties I am sick right now which always makes me a bit vulnerable, it is the only time I feel lonely and not so gung ho. And that is OK too. To me that is all part of it, facing your problems, allowing yourself to be upset, but knowing that it will pass and all will be well. My bar for "well" is pretty low. Give me a patch of dirt to walk on with a nice view and my life is pretty darned good.
Funny thing happened the other evening. I am under the weather, got some bad news . . . but am out to dinner with a friend and he says something about how relaxed I always am and that there is never any drama in my life. Even though I was down, I had to agree with him. My feelings no longer take over my life. I allow them to happen, I can be upset, angry, disappointed - but I don't let it take away from what I enjoy. I had a great dinner with a good friend. I was able to communicate about what was upsetting me, we talked about it, then moved onto other topics - including how good the sushi was!
You make me smile. You are just looking under every rock and questioning everything. You are awesome.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
